


To Those Left Behind

by Mnemosyne_Elegy



Series: The Backup Plan Verse [3]
Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Angst, Coping with Grief, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, stages of grief
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-25
Updated: 2019-01-13
Packaged: 2019-08-29 02:48:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 51,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16735635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mnemosyne_Elegy/pseuds/Mnemosyne_Elegy
Summary: Companion piece to "The Backup Plan". Read third. Natsu is still reeling from Gray's death when Makarov gives him a letter Gray had entrusted to him. Natsu can't make himself ignore his best friend's last request, so he embarks on a mission to help comfort his guildmates in this time of mourning. But even as he helps the others work past their grief, he himself is falling apart.





	1. Prologue-The Letter

**Author's Note:**

> This is the second companion piece to "The Backup Plan", and should be read third.
> 
> Chronologically, this story would take place after the events of "The Backup Plan". I originally planned to write the whole thing in Natsu's POV, but then it occurred to me that it would be better to have a structure parallel to that of "Saying Goodbye", so I ended up writing the chapter in the title character's POV like in the other companion piece. However, I still wanted the piece to be pretty Natsu-centric, so I needed to come up with a way to accomplish that if I wasn't writing as much in his POV. Then I got this random thought that there were 7 chapters I was planning to write and 7 stages of grief, so now each chapter has two parts: the normal conversation in the title character's POV and a short look at how Natsu deals with each of the stages of grief. I am aware that the stages of grief are something of a misnomer since not everyone goes through all of these stages or goes through them in order, but I think it works well as a literary device.

**"Prologue"-The Letter**

It was the day after the fateful battle that Makarov gave Natsu the letter.

The dragon slayer was sitting at a table in the middle of the eerily quiet guild, the ever-faithful Happy sitting beside him and watching him with worried eyes. Lucy and Erza had tried talking to him earlier, but he had barely spoken a handful of words all day. He wasn't in the mood to talk, and he was starting to wonder why he had even bothered coming to the guild hall at all today instead of hiding at home. Habit, perhaps.

But the others had been understanding about it, realizing that everyone mourned in their own way. Juvia hadn't even shown up today, and the people who  _had_  come were mostly quiet or talked to each other in hushed voices that frequently broke as they fought back tears. After winning such a pivotal battle Fairy Tail should be having a party with lots of drinking and laughter, but no one felt like celebrating. Gray's sacrifice had shattered the guild.

Natsu heard footsteps approach and stop beside him, but he didn't look up. Whoever it was could just turn around and walk away. He took a halfhearted sniff at the air, his hands automatically clenching into fists as he recognized Makarov's scent.

"Natsu."

The dragon slayer didn't move for a moment, torn by indecision. On one hand, this was Jii-chan, the man who Natsu looked up to and viewed as a sort of adopted grandfather. On the other hand, he was also the one who had asked Gray to sacrifice himself. Natsu could grudgingly see why Makarov had done this even if he didn't agree with it, but he wasn't ready to forgive it.

Several long seconds dragged by before Natsu slowly raised his head and looked at the guild master with steely eyes. "What?"

Makarov's diminutive figure seemed to wilt even further, and Natsu realized that he didn't look good at all. He seemed to have aged years overnight. His skin was ashen, his eyes were ringed with red, and, for the first time, he looked like a broken old man. Natsu was torn between worry and vicious satisfaction.

"Gray–" Makarov broke off, his voice cracking. He swallowed hard and tried again. "He entrusted this to me. He asked me to give it to you if…if things went wrong."

The master blinked away unshed tears as he slowly extended an arm. Natsu stared at the envelope in his gnarled hand for a few seconds before gingerly reaching out and taking it. He held it warily, as if it might explode at any moment. His name was printed in Gray's unmistakable neat handwriting on the front. Slowly he traced the perfectly even letters with his finger, feeling his heart twist at the sight of these last traces of his friend.

Makarov cleared his throat, and Natsu's gaze slowly travelled back to the older man, his attention temporarily diverted from the letter.

"I can't tell you what to do with that," the guild master said quietly, "but I hope that you can find the courage to read it." He closed his eyes for a moment and exhaled heavily. "He came to me, the night before the fight. He wanted to talk. Towards the end of that conversation I…I asked him if there was anything he'd regret, if worst came to worst and he had to use iced shell."

He faltered again, before gathering himself once more. Natsu just stared at him dully, a sick, nauseous feeling settling in the pit of his stomach.

"He said that he wouldn't regret it if he had to use iced shell in order to protect us. But…He said that if he would regret anything, it would be that he wasn't able to say goodbye to you and the others properly. He also said that he wished you all wouldn't have to deal with the aftermath, but…It struck me, that the thing he was most worried about was not being able to say an honest farewell." Makarov met Natsu's gaze and held it. "I think you should read that letter."

They stared at each other in silence for a long minute. Makarov's eyes held a mixture of sorrow and hesitation and expectation. Natsu felt as if he should say something, but he couldn't seem to make his muscles move, and in any case, he had no idea what to say, or if he even wanted to say anything to this man at all. After a few tense moments, the guild master sighed wearily and turned away.

"I'm sorry, Natsu."

The dragon slayer watched impassively as he walked away, his shoulders hunched as if weighed down by a heavy burden. Several other guild members turned to watch the master's progress as well, their expressions a mixture of sorrow, betrayal, and anger. Natsu watched until Makarov climbed the stairs, went into his office, and shut the door firmly behind him.

"Natsu?"

Natsu tore his gaze away from the unmoving slab of wood and turned back to face Happy. The blue Exceed had inched closer, and was now resting a small paw on the dragon slayer's forearm. His wide eyes shone with grief and worry.

"Natsu, are you alright?"

Natsu hesitated. "I'll be okay, Happy," he answered softly.

"Will you read the letter?"

Happy stared solemnly at the letter grasped in the mage's fist, and Natsu forced himself to relax, not wanting to crumple the only thing he had left of Gray. It occurred to him that Happy wasn't only worried for his sake, but also mourning the ice mage in his own right. The three of them had known each other for a long time, and Happy would be missing Gray as well.

Natsu swallowed. "Happy, why don't you go sit with Lucy for a little while."

Hurt flickered across the little cat's face for a brief moment. "And you?"

"I…I'm going to go home," Natsu whispered.

Understanding flashed in the Exceed's eyes, and he nodded. "Aye sir," Happy replied, but his voice was still sad.

Natsu watched as he flew over to a nearby table to alight by Lucy. The Exceed had barely offered a single word of comfort before the blonde-haired mage grasped him in a tight hug and began crying into his fur.

Natsu let out a shaky breath and looked away. He stood slowly and walked out of the guild. He could feel people staring at his back, but he never turned around. He trudged through the streets like a sleepwalker, paying only minimal attention to his surroundings. His whole focus was on the letter he clutched in his hands. It seemed to be mocking him with the fact that its writer was irrevocably, inescapably gone.

By the time he reached the house he shared with Happy and sat down at the kitchen table, he realized that his hands were shaking. He stared in horrified fascination at the envelope quivering in his hand, and wondered what words he would find when he opened it. What is it that Gray would have to say to him?

Natsu Dragneel was rarely afraid, but as he looked at that envelope, he realized that he was terrified.

He absentmindedly pushed a pile of dirty dishes out of the way, not caring when a plate fell to the floor and shattered. Right now a messy house and broken dishes were the least of his problems.

He carefully placed the envelope on the clear space he had made on the table's wooden surface, and tried to gather the courage to break the seal. What explanations, apologies, excuses would he find in that letter? He had the sudden urge to burn it to ash, but the impulse died as quickly as it had come. This was the last thing—and now the only thing—he had left of his best friend.

So, with shaking hands, he carefully broke the seal and withdrew the folded paper from within. Another letter fell out as well, this one with Lyon's name scrawled across the front in Gray's neat lettering. Natsu stared at it for a moment before turning his attention to the piece of paper in his hands. He unfolded it slowly, and for several long minutes he just stared at it, his eyes hungrily taking in the familiar sight of Gray's handwriting covering the page without trying to decipher it.

Then, taking a deep breath, he began to read.

_Natsu,_

_If you're reading this, then something went wrong in the battle with the demon, and I'm gone. I'm sorry that it came to this, but there's nothing to be done about it now. However, you surely didn't think that I'd pass up the opportunity to make you do what I want, did you? You lost the bet fair and square, so I have something that I want you to do._

Natsu stared at the letter in disbelief, his hand involuntarily tightening into a fist. He blinked at the piece of paper as it crumpled in his grasp, the crisp sheet of paper crinkling around his clenched fist.

What the hell? What the  _hell_  did he just read? Gray was dead— _dead_ —and he was going on about some idiotic bet they made the day before the fight? Who the hell cared about the goddamn bet now?

Natsu realized that he was breathing heavily, his heart torn between fury and grief. He forced himself to calm down, taking a series of deep breaths until his rage and anguish subsided a little. He was suddenly struck by a wave of guilt and remorse as he realized that the letter was now crumpled in his trembling hands.

He laid it down on the table's surface and carefully smoothed it out again, desperately trying to return the paper to its once pristine condition even long after he realized it was as flat as it was ever going to get. Gritting his teeth, he forced himself to stop his hands from compulsively smoothing over the page.

"Sorry, Gray," he whispered hoarsely, as if the ice mage could still hear him.

He took a shaky breath and steeled himself to continue reading.

_I know that it isn't fair of me to ask these things of you, but since I'm no longer able to do them, I need you to do them for me. The bet isn't the only reason, or even the real reason, that you are the one who I'm asking to do this. I'm asking you to help me because I trust you. God help me, I trust you more than I trust anyone else. That's why I'm leaving this to you._

Natsu made an involuntary choking sound, and a solitary tear slid slowly down his cheek. "I trusted you too," he breathed, his voice thick with tears. "I trusted you and then you ran off and used that goddamn spell again, even after I told you not to."

_A lot of people are going to be hurt by my death. I know that, and I wish that wasn't the case. God, it hurts knowing that everyone will be so upset because of me, and that I won't be there to help them through it. But since I can't be there for them, I need you to stand in for me. I need you to be strong and look after the others when I can't. There are a few people in particular that I want you to check up on._

_First, I need you to go see Lyon. This isn't fair of me to ask of you and I'm so sorry, but please, go to him and give him the news of my passing if he hasn't already heard. I have included another letter in here that is addressed to him. Please give it to him. I didn't have time to see him before the battle, so that letter is the closest thing I have to being able to say goodbye to him. He won't want your comfort, but he'll need it. We've become a lot closer after what happened on Galuna Island, and to be honest, he's something like an adoptive brother to me. He might act tough, but he'll be devastated. I can guarantee that it's going to bring back a lot of painful memories about what happened to Ur, and perhaps about what almost happened on Galuna. He won't want your help, but please, do what you can for him._

_After that, there are a few other people I'd like you to look out for. Make sure you look after Lucy. She may not have known me for as long as the rest of you guys, but you know how closely she bonds with her friends. She'll be torn apart, and you're the one who can best help her through that. It's possible that she might feel somewhat guilty if she feels like she was too 'weak' to have done more during the battle, or to have stopped me. If that is the case, kindly beat that silly idea out of her. Metaphorically speaking. Don't actually beat her._

_I also want you to talk with Erza. She's one of my oldest friends, and we have a lot of history. We helped each other out a lot when we were younger. You may have realized this by now, but she isn't always as tough as she appears. She's strong, but she hides her pain and tries to bear her problems alone. I don't want her to be alone right now. She shouldn't have to be alone. Go to her and find a way to make her talk to you. If you can't find her, try going down to the river. She often goes there if she wants to be alone or needs to think._

_As for Juvia…I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that she'll be devastated. I've tried to make her realize that her happiness doesn't depend upon me and that her life shouldn't revolve around me, but I'm not sure that she quite understands how to do that yet. Until she figures out how to live without me, please look after her. I know that she loves me. To be honest, I half-wanted to be able to return her feelings one day since she went through a lot of heartache chasing after me, but I never quite managed it. However, I do still love her in the same way that I love Lucy or Erza, or any of our other friends. If you need to fudge the truth to give her some comfort…Well, I'll leave that up to your best judgment._

_I would also appreciate it if you checked up on Cana. She was the first friend I made in the guild, and I knew her before Erza or you even joined Fairy Tail. We haven't been quite as close over the past few years, but we're still good friends. I know that she'll be hurt, and I fear for her health. Keep an eye on her drinking. Her normal drinking is fine, if excessive, but when she's dealing with problems she can't stand to face, she sometimes drinks until she's completely drunk or unconscious. Over the years I've kept tabs on her so that I could go find her and take her home when she passed out in the streets or got wasted in some sleazy pub, but I won't be able to do that anymore. I'm asking you to do it for me. You can ask Mira about her favorite haunts, and if you don't know where her flat is, you can ask Mira about that too. When Cana gets upset she can easily get herself into dangerous situations, and I would hate it if she got hurt because of me. Please look out for her._

_My last specific request is that you talk to Jii-chan. Hear me out before dismissing me and burning this letter. Knowing you, I can guess that you aren't happy with him right now. In fact, you're probably furious. But Natsu, you need to forgive him. He will be hurting just as much as everyone else, and he'll feel terrible because of what he asked me to do. I think it's important for you to realize that I would have used iced shell whether or not he asked me to, if I thought that there was no other way to save Fairy Tail. It's not his fault that I'm gone, but he'll bear the guilt for it. I'm sure you're struggling to figure out exactly what you think of him right now, but give him a chance. I'm afraid that he'll drown himself in guilt, and he shouldn't have to do that because of me._

Natsu slowly dropped his head onto the table and closed his eyes, unable to read any more of the letter just yet. A jumble of emotions swirled through him, and he didn't even know where to begin trying to decipher them. Part of it was grief and longing, knowing that even in the face of his own impending death Gray had worried more about his friends than about himself. The self-sacrificing fool had spent his last hours making arrangements for someone to take care of the others since he wouldn't be able to. But God, why did it have to be Natsu that he asked?

Was Gray really so dense as to not realize that Natsu would be just as devastated as the others? Without realizing it, the dragon slayer made a strangled sound somewhere between a whimper and a moan. How the hell was he supposed to go around comforting everyone else when it felt like his heart had been torn out of his chest and ripped to shreds?

Beyond that…he supposed he felt a little incredulous, a little hurt. Gray had left him this letter and he had been expecting…something. He wasn't quite sure what he had been expecting, but he had thought that since it was addressed to him, Gray would have been talking to him. Instead he was going on and on about how worried he was about everyone else and assigning Natsu tasks left and right. Was it really so selfish if Natsu wanted his best friend to say something to him and him alone?

With a shuddering sigh, he raised his head and peered down at the page once more. The letter was far from finished.

_And speaking of anger, I realize that you're probably furious with me too. It's okay to be angry with me, but all I can do now is apologize. I know that you'll be hurt too, and you'll be angry because I used iced shell even after you stopped me last time and after we had that talk a few nights ago. You'll be angry because I went and died for my friends instead of living for them, and because I hurt them by doing so. And I'm sure you're furious that I kept the plan a secret._

Natsu realized that he was grinding his teeth together, and tore his eyes away from Gray's parting words to calm himself once more. Of course he was mad. He was devastated, hurting, mourning, but he was also so furious that Gray had done something so stupid. He was angry because…Well, he was pretty much angry for all the reasons Gray had listed. Even after everything, the ice mage had known Natsu too well.

_I wish that I could have been honest with you all, but you know why I couldn't. That talk on the roof…Don't think that it didn't help. No, it didn't convince me to give up on the backup plan, but you helped me realize that iced shell was the backup plan because I chose it, not because you all thought of me as somehow expendable._

_I know that this whole incident will remind you of what happened on Galuna as well, but you should know that I did hear your voice back then. Really, I was rather touched when you stopped me from using that spell and said that you didn't want me to die. But at the same time, that incident is what made it inevitable that I would use iced shell again in a situation like this. When you stepped in front of me and I had to watch Deliora's fist come down on you, I was terrified. I'll admit it._

_The first time I faced Deliora, it killed my parents. The second time I faced Deliora, it destroyed Ur and drove a wedge between me and Lyon, ultimately tearing apart my second family. The third time I faced Deliora, it just about killed you, and I almost lost my third family._

_If the demon hadn't already been dead…God, I thought you were going to die, Natsu. Not because I didn't have faith in your strength, but because I had already seen Deliora's destructive power. Not even Ur could defeat it without using iced shell, and she was a damn powerful mage. In those few seconds I was sure that you were going to die, and I was convinced that it would be my fault. If I had only used iced shell instead of letting you stop me, then Deliora would be sealed again and you and the others wouldn't be in any danger._

_Natsu, I almost lost all of you that day. I thought that I was going to lose the people I cared about again, and that's when I realized that I couldn't survive losing my family for a third time. Yes, I know that everyone will be devastated. I know because I've been in their position. I know how painful it was to lose my parents, to lose Ur, to almost lose you and the others. To be honest, I sometimes feel like the ones left behind are the worst off. They're the ones who have to deal with the fallout, the aftermath._

_Yes, you have every right to be angry with me. I'd be worried if you weren't angry, at least for a while. But Natsu, I hope that one day you'll be able to forgive me for what I've done. I don't regret using iced shell. Like I said, I'll do anything to protect Fairy Tail because I don't think I could live with myself if I had to watch another family die. But I am sorry that I couldn't be completely honest with you about the backup plan beforehand. I'm sorry that I didn't get the chance to look you in the eye and say goodbye, and I'm sure as hell sorry that I hurt you all so deeply. I'd do it again in a heartbeat, but it hurts to know that I'm the one who will bring you all such grief. Forgive me, Natsu._

Natsu rubbed at his eyes furiously, as if that would stop the tears. He shook with silent sobs as he dropped the piece of paper and picked up the next one. Damn, Gray had written a lot. He tried to muster up some more of that self-righteous anger he had been feeling earlier, but now he just felt empty and cold and unbearably sad.

Stupid ice block. Of course Natsu was mad. Of course Natsu forgave him.

_There is so much more that I could say, so much more that I want to tell you, but to be honest, I think that you probably know most of it already. Even though we don't usually talk seriously about important things, we really do figure them out, don't we? Maybe we don't know all the details, but I'm pretty sure you already understand the big picture. I think you probably know this already, but just to be sure, I want to come out and say it one last time: You, Natsu Dragneel, are my best friend, and have been my best friend for years._

_The things I asked of you in this letter…I know that they'll be unbearably difficult for you, but I also know that you'll be able to accomplish them. You're going to have to be strong for the sake of our friends. It's going to be hard, and I'm sorry. But…What I want the most for you and the others is for you all to be able to move on with your lives and find happiness again. Don't worry about me. You still have Lucy and Erza and all the rest of Fairy Tail. The guild has been my family for a long time, and I don't want to see it torn apart because of me. Help put it back together again. Forget the stupid bet. I'm asking you to do this as one friend to another. Please._

_This letter just keeps getting longer and longer. Sorry, I know that you aren't much of a reader. But every time I think I've said enough, that I should stop writing, I think of something else I want to say. At this point I think I'm just stalling, postponing the inevitable. There isn't enough paper in the world to convey everything I want to say to you, and it surely isn't the same as if I was standing there face-to-face with you. I suppose that what I'm trying to say, what I keep avoiding saying by continuing to write, is goodbye._

_I know that I can't really bring you much comfort through ink on paper, but I wish I could. It's supposed to be the thought that counts, right? It's funny, but my thoughts have mostly been with you all these past few days. You have no idea how badly I wanted to tell you all about the plan, about the possibility that I might not make it back from this fight, if only to have an honest conversation about it. I'll admit that it was pretty lonely at first, being unable to tell you what was going on. I felt isolated and alone because no one else understood what might happen. But at some point, my thoughts turned to Fairy Tail instead. And to be honest, once that happened I realized that I have never before felt so loved. I feel so connected to everyone, like I really, truly belong. Maybe you understand how much that means to me after the conversation we had the other night. It's a wonderful feeling._

_No matter what happens tomorrow, I'm not afraid. I'm sorry I won't be there to call you names and get into fistfights and go on missions and stand by you when you need me, but damn, Natsu, I'll always be a part of Fairy Tail. You probably don't understand exactly what I mean by that yet, but I think that you will, one day._

_I could keep writing all night and there's so much more I want to say, but I think it's time for me to stop. There is one more thing I want to say to you though: thank you. Fairy Tail really saved me, but you yourself also saved me in more ways than you realize. We had a hell of a lot of fun, and I'll always treasure the time we spent together. I wouldn't trade it for the world. Which is funny to think about, considering how devastated I was after Deliora killed my parent and Ur. Funny how such a beautiful thing can come about despite, or even because of, such a tragedy. And I hope that you too will find something meaningful, something beautiful, even in the wake of my death. You just have to realize that it's not the end of the world, that tomorrow will always come and bring happy things with it, if only you can open yourself to them. And God, Natsu, I want you to be happy._

_Thank you for everything, Natsu. Goodbye._

_-Gray_

Natsu put his head down and sobbed.


	2. Lyon (Shock and Disbelief)

**Lyon (Shock and Disbelief)**

When Natsu walked into Lamia Scale's guild hall, Lyon immediately knew why he was there.

Taking a shuddering breath to steel himself, Lyon stood and picked his way across the hall, towards the pink-haired dragon slayer. He was vaguely aware that Sherry and some of the others were giving him sad looks and whispering words of comfort as he walked past, but he didn't acknowledge them. He couldn't. Not yet.

His movement caught the attention of the dragon slayer hovering uncertainly in the doorway, and Natsu turned to watch him approach with an unreadable expression.

"I see that you've already heard," Natsu remarked quietly as Lyon stopped in front of him.

They stared at each other in silence for a moment before the ice mage grabbed Natsu's arm and dragged him back out of the hall. The dragon slayer followed without protest as Lyon led him a little ways from the building. Lyon wasn't sure what the coming conversation with Natsu would entail, so it would be better to have it away from prying eyes. No need to worry his guildmates any further.

"Yes," Lyon said finally, stopping in his tracks and releasing the dragon slayer's arm. He turned back to face Natsu. "A messenger told us the news a few hours after…after everything happened."

There was a slight tightening of Natsu's lips, but there was no other indication of his emotional state. Lyon knew that Gray and Natsu had been very close, and he wondered how the dragon slayer was so calm and steady. How did he do that? Lyon had felt brittle and empty the last couple days as he struggled not to break down. It felt like he would shatter at the lightest touch, the softest word.

Natsu sighed and looked away, his gaze drifting across the grass to Lyon's left as if he couldn't meet the ice mage's eyes.

"He didn't tell anyone beforehand," he said quietly. Lyon had figured as much. Gray could be pretty damn secretive when he wanted to be. "Only Jii-chan knew. Apparently…apparently he asked Gray. He asked Gray to be the backup plan."

Lyon's hands instinctively curled into fists, and he noticed with some surprise that Natsu's had done the same. The ice mage knew that Gray had looked up to Fairy Tail's master and considered him part of his adopted family. That someone Gray cared so deeply about could ask him to do such a terrible thing disgusted Lyon.

The slight hint of bitter anger that had touched Natsu's voice before being concealed once more made Lyon think that the dragon slayer felt much the same way. He supposed that Natsu had been as close to Makarov as Gray had been, so he must be taking the betrayal hard. Perhaps he was more upset than he appeared.

"Since Jii-chan was the only one who knew…Gray gave him a letter, before the battle. You know, in case–in case he didn't make it back." There was a slight waver in Natsu's voice, but within seconds it was even once more. "That letter was addressed to me."

Lyon tried to tamp down the sudden flare of jealousy and grief that stabbed at his heart. He knew that Gray and Natsu had been close, but Lyon had known Gray first. Maybe it was selfish, but he wished that his adoptive brother had left his last words to him instead.

He noticed that Natsu was watching him carefully with hooded eyes. There was a brief pause, and Lyon wondered if the dragon slayer realized what was going through his head. After a second, Natsu started speaking again.

"He said a lot of things, asked me to do a lot of things." Natsu let out a breath. "One of the things he asked me to do was to come find you and tell you about his…death…if you hadn't already heard."

Lyon ground his teeth together and felt a sharp prick of pain as his fingernails dug into his palms.  _Dead_. Yes, Gray was dead, even if Lyon didn't want to admit it to himself. It might not have been a conventional death, but it was a death nonetheless. Iced shell broke down the body of the caster and turned it into ice, so perhaps Gray was still alive in some way. But honestly, Lyon hadn't ever really believed that Ur was still alive, and he couldn't bring himself to seriously consider the possibility that Gray lived on in some sense of the word. He wanted to, but the word 'death' bounced around his head and taunted him.

Dragging himself out of his dark thoughts, Lyon realized that Natsu had paused again and was watching him with those unsettling eyes. It felt like the dragon slayer knew exactly what was running through his mind, and it was unnerving.

"Well," Lyon said shortly, "I've heard."

Natsu nodded. "He also included something that he wanted me to give to you. I guess he didn't have the chance to see you before the battle and…say goodbye. So he wrote a letter to you as well and asked me to give it to you."

Lyon stopped breathing as Natsu reached into his pocket and pulled out a letter. The dragon slayer held it out to him, but Lyon hesitated for a moment. His name was printed across the front of the envelope in black ink, and his eyes traced the handwriting he knew almost as well as his own. He had always teased Gray for his girly handwriting. Not that the younger mage wrote with curlicues or anything, but his handwriting was always so neat and precise. As a matter of fact, most everything about Gray was neat and precise, besides his bad habit of shedding clothing. His handwriting, his apartment, his magic…All were characterized by their neatness and precision. Lyon had always wondered if it was just another way for Gray to exert his influence, to feel a sense of control in a world that had taken so much from him.

Lyon quickly snatched the letter from Natsu's hand, as if the dragon slayer would change his mind at any second and take it back. He turned it over in his hands, frowning as he realized that the seal was broken.

"I already read it." Lyon looked up at the sound of Natsu's voice. The dragon slayer smiled at him sheepishly. "Probably shouldn't have, but I was curious. If Gray wanted to keep me from reading it that badly, he should have kept himself alive to make sure of it."

Lyon just blinked at him for a moment, before exhaling sharply and shaking his head. He felt a prickle of resentment and annoyance—who did Natsu think he was, reading something that had been addressed to Lyon?—but it faded quickly. He was still irritated that the dragon slayer had already read the letter, but Lyon had a nagging feeling that if their positions were reversed, he would have done the same. And despite what Natsu said, Lyon rather doubted that curiosity had been the main motivating factor. Knowing that your best friend was gone and that you held the last pieces of him in your hands…Well, Lyon would probably examine all of those pieces too.

With shaking hands, he withdrew the letter from the envelope. He had a sudden burning need to read Gray's letter and read it  _now_. It would probably be better if he waited until he was alone, but he simply couldn't wait any longer. He had to know what Gray had wanted to tell him. He had to know  _right now_.

He let out a shaky breath and started reading.

_Natsu, I know you're reading this even though it's addressed to Lyon. I can hardly stop you now, but don't think you're so clever. You sure aren't fooling me._

Lyon blinked at the paper stupidly for a second, and then looked up at Natsu. He let out a strangled laugh, before clapping a hand over his mouth. No, he should certainly not be laughing at a time like this. Gray was dead. There was nothing to laugh about.

Natsu smiled over at him sadly. "It's okay. I had pretty much the same reaction. It's okay to laugh—it was pretty funny. If he didn't want us to laugh, he wouldn't have bothered writing that."

Lyon stared at him for a moment before nodding. "He really knew you well," he commented dryly, his voice wavering slightly.

"Yeah. I never could fool him. He always seemed to know what I was thinking. It really wasn't fair, considering how good he was at hiding things from me." The corners of Natsu's lips twitched upwards into a melancholy half-smile. "It's funny, but in the letter he addressed to me he said that he trusted me, almost more than anyone else. I guess that didn't include trusting me not to read things that I shouldn't be poking my nose into," he said ruefully.

Lyon smiled back at him halfheartedly. "He always was better at figuring out other people than we were at figuring him out," the ice mage remarked, his voice half fond and half sad. But…" He trailed off and let his gaze drop back to the piece of paper he held in his hands. "I could tell that he really did trust you. Maybe not with silly things like staying out of other people's mail, but he trusted you with all the important things."

They stood in silence for a few minutes, before Lyon heard the dragon slayer shift.

"Yeah. Yeah, I guess he did. Now go ahead and read your letter."

Lyon glanced up at him, and noticed that he looked tired, but also understanding. The ice mage supposed that Natsu must have a pretty good idea of the mixture of anticipation and fear he felt as he looked at the letter. After a moment, Lyon nodded and turned back to the letter, his eyes hungrily devouring Gray's words.

_Lyon,_

_I suppose you've heard the news by now. I asked Natsu to tell you, but I wouldn't be surprised if you heard about it before he showed up. Honestly, I'm sorry. I already knew that there was a possibility of this happening when I went into that battle. Knowing that, I wanted to go see you one more time, to say goodbye, so to speak. Unfortunately I didn't have the time to do that, so this letter will have to be enough, however inadequate it may be. I'm sorry that I couldn't say goodbye to you face-to-face._

_I know that this whole affair is going to remind you of what happened with Ur. I suppose that if I'm being completely honest here, I never managed to quite forgive myself for that. Ever since that day, part of me has always expected that I'd eventually follow in her footsteps and use iced shell as well. Not that I was searching for death or anything, but I've been prepared for this. My stupidity, my weakness, my blind grief and rage, they ultimately led to Ur's death. A life for a life, you know?_

_You were unconscious when she used iced shell, and I never told you what her last words were. She said that she had come after me to take back her happiness, because you and I were what made her happy. And she realized that for me Deliora represented all my fear and anger and grief—my darkness. I think that in the end, that's one of the reasons she was so determined to seal it. At the very, very end, what she said to me was "I'll seal your darkness."_

_Damn, that hurt. I always felt bad because despite those words, my darkness still lived. I was still running and fighting and destroying myself with my anger and guilt. But it was a start, you know? She gave me what I needed to start letting go of my darkness so that I could move past it._

_I'm not doing anything half so grand as that, but I do understand what she meant about happiness. You and Fairy Tail are what brought me happiness in my darkest days, and I think that's worth fighting for. And I'm sorry Lyon, but I've already watched two families destroyed in front of my eyes. I can't lose a third. I really can't._

_I've bonded very closely with everyone in Fairy Tail and they've helped me a lot, but it's also true that I knew you first. When we were younger, I always looked up to you as the older brother I never had. You and Ur were family, and it nearly killed me to see what my stupidity did to you. To be honest, I always kind of blamed myself for what happened with you too. I know how upset you were over Ur's death, and you had every right to be angry with me. Sometimes I wonder about what would have happened if I hadn't taken away your role model and goal. I guess that if it hadn't been for me, you wouldn't have spent years of your life obsessed with resurrecting a demon. I didn't only lose Ur that day. I missed you a lot over the years._

_It was really nice how we started getting closer again after Galuna. There was still a lot of distance between us, a gap of time and guilt and uncertainty, but I felt like we were getting somewhere. I wish that we had more time to work things out. Believe it or not, I still look up to you, although I'd never admit it to your face. I really am glad that we had the opportunity to meet again as friends._

_It makes me feel a lot better to know that you've moved on and joined a guild and made new friends so that you aren't so alone anymore. I've always kind of wondered if I helped with that—if I got through to you on Galuna and somehow helped you come to your senses. Move past your own darkness, in a way. Maybe it's just wishful thinking, but it helps me feel less guilty about ruining your life in the first place, if I somehow helped put it back together again afterwards._

_Whatever the case, I know that you have some close friends now and I hope that they'll be there for you when I'm gone. Let them help you. I know that you'd rather handle things on your own, but you've got friends for a reason. Yes, you're strong, but relying on others isn't necessarily a weakness._

_Anyway, it meant a lot to me that we had the opportunity to meet again and patch things up before…this. Although it might have made things harder for you. I guess it would have been easier for you if you still hated me. I know that you're going to be hurt, even if you try to hide it. So for that, I'm sorry. And I'm sorry that I'm going out the same way as Ur._

_I'm using iced shell in order to protect Fairy Tail because they mean just about everything to me now, but you know, I'd use it for you too. I know, that's kind of a twisted way of saying that I care, but it's still true. I almost used iced shell on you once before, but now I'd use it for you instead. I would use it because it would kill me to watch anyone else I care about die, and because I want my friends—my family—to live on. That includes you, Lyon. I want you to live, not just survive. Don't you dare even think about becoming as bitter as you did after Ur's death._

_You know, I've had time to do a lot of thinking these past few days, and it's helped me come to terms with some things. I was a mess after Ur too, and it sure didn't help me any. Now that I'm in the same position she was, I can truly appreciate how unhappy she would have been with me for drowning myself in guilt and anger. And that worries me a little, because if I nearly self-destructed after someone died for me, I can imagine that some of my friends might do the same. I don't want that to be you._

_I don't really know what else to say. I'd like to think that you understand all the important things I've never actually come out and told you, but I can't be sure. I know that I've done a lot of wrong by you in my life, and I'm sorry for that. Forgive me. Forgiveness is a tricky thing, but I think that I've finally started forgiving myself for the things I've done. You should do the same._

_If there was one final thing that I'd want to make sure you knew, it's that I've always cared about you. You can be annoying and insufferable and horribly full of yourself, but I guess that's just part of being a brother, huh? So…thank you, for everything. We've had our differences, but you were really there for me when I needed you the most. I wish that I could continue to do the same for you._

_Goodbye, Lyon._

_-Gray_

Lyon stared at the letter numbly, a deep feeling of emptiness settling inside him. "He sounds a lot more formal in writing than he does when he speaks normally, doesn't he?" he muttered dully, his voice sounding as if it came from a thousand miles away.

"Yeah." Natsu looked back over at him again, and Lyon vaguely noted that the dragon slayer had turned away, probably to give the ice mage privacy as he read the letter. "Yeah, he did."

"Shit," Lyon said in a shaky voice. Whatever was left of his self-control was rapidly crumbling, and he felt as fragile as blown glass. Glass that could shatter at any moment. "Shit."

Despite his best efforts, a tear slid down his cheek, and he brushed it away hurriedly. He took a step backwards to lean his back against the wall of the building behind him, only just managing to stop himself from sliding to the ground.

"It's okay to cry," Natsu remarked quietly.

Lyon stared at him for a moment before shaking his head sharply. He didn't want to cry. Not out here where any of his guildmates could walk past at any moment. Not where Natsu or anyone else could see him.

He narrowed his eyes at the dragon slayer. How the hell was Natsu so calm? Why wasn't he torn apart and sobbing? Why wasn't he on the edge of breaking like Lyon himself was? Lyon didn't want to cry, and Natsu's lack of overt emotion was making him angry. Furious even.

"What the hell were you doing?" he spat, turning on Natsu with blazing eyes. "Why the hell didn't you stop him? You stopped him on Galuna Island. You stopped him twice. Why didn't you stop him this time?"

Lyon was practically shouting at this point, his hands clenching and unclenching as he stared down the dragon slayer. Somewhere within himself he welcomed the anger, because if he was angry, he wasn't sad.

Natsu stood there and took it silently, and his lack of reaction infuriated Lyon even more. But just as the ice mage was about to continue his tirade, he noticed the emotions warring in the dragon slayer's eyes. He couldn't quite tell what they were, but it looked like a mixture of anger and guilt and grief, and perhaps something else that he couldn't make heads or tails of.

"I tried," Natsu said softly, his voice barely louder than a whisper. Lyon felt the fight drain out of him, and the anger was slowly replaced by a crushing emptiness once more. "We tried to stop him once we realized what he was doing, but he put up this wall of ice. It was huge; it was amazing he had enough magic to maintain it when he was also casting iced shell. And it wasn't distorted or foggy like most ice. It was completely clear, so we could see everything that was going on, but we couldn't stop it."

"Natsu–" Lyon started, suddenly feeling guilty about directing his anger at the other mage. The dragon slayer cut him off, staring blankly into the distance as if he hadn't heard Lyon speak at all.

"We kept trying to talk him out of it and we fought to break down that wall, but it didn't budge. And then I punched it again and suddenly it was cracking, and for a second I was really hopeful because I had finally managed to destroy it and I could get to him. But it was too late. I didn't break down that wall at all. He stopped maintaining it because he had finished casting the spell." Natsu finally looked back at Lyon, his eyes haunted even though his voice remained steady. "It was too late."

They stared at each other in silence for a moment, before Lyon let out a shuddering sigh and looked away. His previous anger had completely vanished now.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, his voice cracking. "I didn't mean that. I know you tried. You guys always took good care of him." He sagged against the wall and covered his face with his hand. His whole body was shaking with silent sobs now, as his previous anger and numbness gave way to a crushing despair. "I just…I just can't believe that he's really gone," he breathed, his voice choked with tears.

He couldn't believe that Gray wouldn't be there with that infuriating, self-satisfied smirk on his face if he walked into Fairy Tail tomorrow. He couldn't believe that Gray would no longer be there to get annoyed at the silliest things and start stupid fights. He couldn't believe that Gray was there one second and gone the next, erased from the world as if he'd never existed at all, with only the heartache he left behind to mark his passing. It was impossible— _impossible_ —that Gray was gone.

There was a soft noise from beside him, and Lyon uncovered his face to see that Natsu had moved beside him and sat down with his back to the wall the ice mage was leaning against. Lyon gratefully let himself slide to the ground, his shaky limbs too weak to hold him upright any longer.

Natsu was staring straight ahead, not looking at the other mage. "It's fine. It's okay to be angry. And it's also okay to be sad. I can't believe that he's gone either."

"Still shouldn't take it out on you," Lyon muttered. "I'm probably more at fault than you anyway."

Natsu glanced at him sidelong. "What do you mean?"

Lyon closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the rough brick of the wall. "He almost used iced shell twice on Galuna Island.  _Twice_. That was my fault. But…I have to wonder if that prepared him to use it again. Like, you clearly didn't know anything about Ur or iced shell until that point, and you two had known each other for how long? And then with everything I did on Galuna, he suddenly kept trying to use that spell. You stopped him the first two times, but I guess it almost makes sense that he ended up actually using it eventually."

Natsu grunted impatiently. "Unlikely. The past bothered Gray for a long time before and after Galuna. I might not have known what exactly had happened, but it was pretty obvious that he was haunted by his past. Besides, I think that I eventually got through to him, that second time he tried using it. So if anything, perhaps you indirectly helped him realize that he shouldn't give up and sacrifice himself like that when he still had friends to fight by him."

Lyon opened his eyes and fixed his gaze on the dragon slayer. Natsu was staring into the distance moodily, and the air was heavy with unspoken words. The ice mage wondered if there was something Natsu wasn't telling him, but there was no way to know for sure. He let out a shaky breath.

"I guess we'll never know." He grimaced. "What the hell was he thinking? He ruined my life, running off like a fool and getting Ur killed. And I was so damn lost for years, trying to figure out how to move on with life. And then the bastard comes waltzing back into my life and starts fixing things, only to go and ruin everything again.  _Damn_."

Lyon was on the fine line between anger and grief again, teetering precariously on the edge. Part of him wanted to shout at the selfish jerk who was no longer here to hear him, and part of him wanted to break down and cry.

"Yeah," Natsu said noncommittally. "He really did a good job of ripping out everyone's hearts and stomping on them. But…" He tilted his head so that his hair fell into his face and obscured his expression. "He didn't ruin your life this time. He wanted you to keep on living and move on with your life. He eventually helped you get past Ur's death, didn't he? He gave you all the tools you needed to overcome his death too."

"Easier said than done," Lyon countered. "Damn. I don't–I don't understand," he whispered. He was falling apart now. He drew his knees to his chest and buried his face in them, his whole body shaking as he started sobbing in earnest. "After everything I did to him, the fool  _still_ forgave me. He still took me back and tried to be my friend again. Why?  _Why?_ "

For a few long seconds there was a pause, the silence broken only by the sounds of Lyon's quiet sobs.

"Because he screwed up too," Natsu said finally. "He took responsibility for the things he did in the past, and once you did the same, he decided he wanted to be your friend—your family—again. He couldn't hold what you did against you, because he had made mistakes too and he knew it. And I suspect that he thought he deserved it anyway, for what happened with Ur."

"That's even worse," Lyon groaned. "He didn't deserve it."

"I know." Something in Natsu's tone made the ice mage look up. The dragon slayer stared at him solemnly. "Maybe he eventually figured that out too, but he was always blaming himself for things. I could sometimes tell, even though he tried to hide it.

"If we're being completely honest here, he was a hell of a lot more forgiving of you than I was. I didn't want you anywhere near him after what happened on Galuna. You hurt him a lot, and I was worried that you'd do it again. But…It worked out. Either he was a better judge of character than I was or he got lucky. He wasn't very happy with you after everything you did, but he still wanted to renew your relationship. I think that your absence bothered him a lot more than he let on, over the years. He was pretty upset when you were his enemy."

Lyon winced a little. "Guess I deserved that," he remarked ruefully.

Natsu just shrugged. "I think it's high time we stopped playing the blame game. I thought his letter made it pretty clear that he didn't really blame you for anything. As for me…" He shrugged again. "I didn't want you near Gray because you hurt him, but I rather think you've made up for it. He was a lot happier once you two were friends again."

"He was right," Lyon said after a moment. "He was the one who snapped me out of it on Galuna Island. What did he call it? Sealing my darkness? Well, he did. I wish that I could have done something as important as that for him. He ended up helping me so much, and I didn't have the chance to do the same for him. I guess I got a lot more out of our friendship than he did."

He bowed his head as another tear dripped down his cheek. He wished that he had done something more. Gray had played in important role in shaping the person Lyon was today, and the elder ice mage regretted not being able to help him in a similarly important way. He felt like he owed Gray something, and now that the younger mage was dead, there was no way for Lyon to repay that debt.

"I don't think that's true." Lyon glanced over at Natsu and blinked away the tears so that he could see the other man's face. The dragon slayer was staring fixedly at a point in the grass, his expression unreadable. "He always blamed himself for what happened to you and Ur, and I think it brought him a lot of comfort when you finally let go of your blind hatred and stopped blaming him. I don't know if you ever came out and actually said that you forgave him, but he sensed it, after you became friends again. I think that helped him start forgiving himself for everything with Ur.

"And like he said in the letter, befriending you again and helping you move on with your life helped him start forgiving himself for the pain he unintentionally caused you. You, more than anyone, helped him begin letting go of all his guilt. And besides, like I said earlier, he was a lot happier after you two made up. I wouldn't say that that's insignificant."

Lyon's eyes filled with tears again. God, he hoped Natsu was right. He wanted to think that he had done something— _anything_ —to have a positive impact on Gray's life. He knew for sure that he had hurt the other mage a lot, and he needed to know that he had made up for it in some way.

The two sat in silence for several long minutes, before Lyon sighed and rubbed at his eyes. He had had enough of crying. He still felt fragile, as if he might burst into tears again at any moment, but he would save the waterworks for later, when he was alone.

"The first time I saw you, I assumed that you and Gray didn't get along, you know," he said thoughtfully, with a melancholy half-smile. "You two were always fighting and throwing insults at each other. But it quickly became pretty obvious that you were actually good friends. Not just when you stopped him from using iced shell, but in all the things you didn't say or do as well. Neither of you was very demonstrative about it, but the way you talked, the things you did for each other, even the way you fought, showed a deep friendship."

He laughed softly, his eyes clouded with pain. "Believe it or not, I was actually kind of jealous of you." Lyon felt Natsu's eyes on him, but didn't look over. "When we were younger, the relationship I had with Gray was very similar to the one you had with him now. We would fight and insult each other, but we were still like family, you know? After everything that happened, we lost that. When we started getting along again our relationship started healing, but it wasn't the same. I mean, obviously. We had a lot of issues to work out.

"And then I'd see how you and him were so close and I'd resent it, because I had that first." He chuckled dryly. "Kind of silly. But you know, I'm glad that he found a friend like you. I know he needed one. I'm glad that you were there for him when I wasn't."

They sat side by side quietly for several minutes, the silence both companionable and melancholy. Natsu finally stirred slightly, and Lyon glanced over at him.

"I did what I could." The dragon slayer paused, and Lyon got the feeling that he was desperate to add something to that statement, perhaps to make a confession or admit a misgiving. But the moment passed, and Natsu continued speaking. "But you were clearly important to him too. We each had a different part to play in his life. You played the role of surrogate brother and mentor, and I played the role of best friend, perhaps bordering on brother. He looked up to you and admired you. There's no way in hell he would have admitted that to you if he wasn't worried about dying the next day, but it was there. I think he saw me more as someone to understand him and get into trouble with him, and occasionally confide in."

He met Lyon's gaze. "I was never replacing you. He never found anyone to replace you, and I don't think he ever tried to. Yes we were good friends, but that doesn't diminish the importance of your relationship with him."

Lyon suddenly felt himself on the verge of tears again, and hurriedly pulled himself to his feet, the letter still clutched in his hand. Beside him, Natsu rose as well.

"I should–I should go," Lyon whispered.

Natsu nodded, his eyes full of grim understanding. "Yeah. It's okay to mourn, but don't forget that you have a lot of friends who are going to want to try helping you. And if you ever want to…talk to someone who–who knew Gray…"

He trailed off and looked away. Lyon thought he saw a flicker of pain in his eyes, and he wondered how upset the dragon slayer really was. Natsu had seemed mostly calm and composed throughout their talk, but Lyon knew that he must be hurting a lot more than he let on.

"Then I know where to find you," Lyon finished. Natsu nodded. "Alright, I'll keep that in mind." He hesitated. "Thank you, for taking care of him."

An unreadable shadow passed over the dragon slayer's face, but he just nodded. "Yeah. You too."

Lyon hesitated and glanced at him, but then shook his head and turned away. "Later, Natsu."

He began walking away, fingering the letter in his hands absently. He had the feeling that he would end up reading it many more times in the near future. But first, he would go hide in his empty house and cry for the brother he had lost for a second, more final, time.

* * *

Natsu lay curled up in a ball on the floor of his house, an untouched plate of food waiting on a nearby table. He had been in that position for most of the afternoon and evening. After his talk with Lyon he had made his way back to the guild, but after taking one look inside he had turned around and trudged back home to collapse on the floor.

Part of him had been expecting to see Gray when he looked in the guild hall, but of course the ice mage wasn't there. He should have been standing in the middle of the hall calling Natsu 'flame brain' and challenging him to a fight, but he wasn't. Natsu had stared at his empty place expectantly for a second before leaving.

He couldn't believe that Gray was gone. It just wasn't possible. The ice block was tough and strong and would never ever let himself get taken out before Natsu. Natsu was still alive, so Gray should be alive too. He still half-expected that after he got off his floor and went back to the guild, Gray would be standing there demanding to know where he had been. Because the alternative was too unbelievable, too painful, to even think of. Natsu didn't even want to consider it.

So instead, he had curled up on the floor and barely moved an inch for the rest of the day. A heavy feeling of numbness and emptiness had settled over him. He wasn't even crying like he had been yesterday. Instead he lay on the floor and stared blankly at the far wall, unable to muster up any kind of real emotion.

"Natsu? Aren't you going to eat?" Happy hovered nearby, looking worriedly between his prone friend and the plate of food he had prepared earlier.

"I'm not hungry," Natsu answered dully.

"But…you need to eat, Natsu."

The dragon slayer slowly moved his gaze to look at the Exceed. He saw a very worried, very sad cat. He supposed that he shouldn't worry Happy any more than necessary. Gray had wanted him to be strong for their friends, and he supposed that included Happy as well.

"Alright." He pushed himself to his feet slowly, staggering and wincing as his cramping muscles threatened to give out.

"Are you okay?"

Natsu considered the question for a moment, knowing that Happy was asking more than just whether or not he could stand. "I will be," he said finally, unsure if he was lying or not. To be honest, he probably was.

He picked up the plate of food unenthusiastically and carried it to the kitchen table, noticing that the plate he had broken the previous day was still lying on the floor in pieces. He supposed that he should clean it up, but he couldn't bring himself to care.

He sat down and began picking at his food apathetically. He managed to eat a few bites to appease Happy, but then he ended up mostly just pushing food back and forth across his plate. Strange. He was usually starving by now, but he didn't have much of an appetite.

"Natsu?"

Natsu looked up at the Exceed, who was gnawing on a fish distractedly, his attention focused on the dragon slayer. He hesitated, unsure of how to give Happy what he was looking for.

"Sorry," he said quietly. "I'm not very hungry."

He pushed himself out of his chair and moved to the trash can to scrape the rest of the food off his plate, his movements sluggish and his limbs leaden. Happy watched him sadly as he finished throwing away his food and dropped his plate on the counter unceremoniously. Natsu paused, looking at the Exceed. He should do something to assuage Happy's concerns and comfort him, but he couldn't bring himself to do anything more today.

"I'm tired," he said after a long pause. "I'm going to bed."

Ignoring Happy's worried look, Natsu headed to his bedroom and collapsed on his bed. He stared at the ceiling sightlessly for several long hours before he finally fell asleep.


	3. Lucy (Denial)

**Lucy (Denial)**

Lucy trudged up the steps to her apartment mindlessly, her mind occupied with her grief rather than with her surroundings. It had been a long, painful day at the guild, with everyone still in mourning. She had cried so much that she thought she was finally out of tears. Tomorrow she would probably find some more, but for now the tears had left her feeling hollow and empty, her eyes burning and her heart sore. All she wanted to do was go to sleep to escape reality for a little while before she had to get up tomorrow and do it all again.

She mechanically unlocked her apartment and dropped the keys on the side table as she shut the door behind her. Shrugging off her jacket, she started towards her bedroom.

"Hey, Lucy. Are you okay?"

Lucy jumped in surprise and instinctively looked over at her couch. Sure enough, Natsu was seated there. She had been too absorbed in her own thoughts to even notice the intruder. She gaped over at him silently, her mind racing to make the connection between Gray's last visit here and Natsu's current one.

"Lucy?" Natsu peered over at her in concern. "You look like you've seen a ghost."

Apparently Lucy still had a few tears left after all, because her eyes filled with moisture once more, and her body quivered with silent sobs.

"It feels like it," she whispered brokenly, burying her face in her hands. Tears leaked from between her fingers and fell to the ground.

There was a shuffling sound and Natsu was suddenly in front of her, pulling her close to him. Her hands tangled in the fabric of his shirt and she buried her face in his chest. He wrapped his arms around her, not seeming to care that she was soaking his shirt with her tears. He stood still and held her for a moment, before gently maneuvering her to sit on the couch beside him. He stroked her hair comfortingly and whispered quiet words of reassurance into her ear for several long minutes as she fought to get her crying back under control.

Then she looked up at him, her large brown eyes red-rimmed and shimmering with tears.

"A few days–a few days before…you know…He came to see me," she managed, swiping the back of her hand across her eyes. "It was already late, like tonight, and I had just come home, and I looked over and he was–he was sitting there on the couch, right where you were."

Natsu winced slightly. "Sorry, Lucy. I didn't know."

Lucy shook her head. "I know. It's not your fault. It's just…It really was kind of like seeing a ghost, you know? A few days ago he was sitting on my couch like you were, and now…now he's…"

Natsu pulled her close again. "I know," he said softly. "I know."

They sat quietly, the silence only broken by Lucy's sniffles and muffled crying. As she puzzled out the connections between Gray's visit and Natsu's visit, she found herself making another link.

"He was acting kind of funny," she whispered, fresh tears welling up as she at last saw the bitter truth. "But not funny enough to be really suspicious, you know? I mean, he was mostly…normal…but sometimes he would say something he might not have said usually, or there would be something off about his tone or expression, and he was being a lot more open about his feelings and his past than usual.

"And I just kind of thought that he was having an off day or something…or maybe it was because he was trying to make me feel better. But I don't think so now."

Her hands tightened convulsively on Natsu's shirt. "During the–during the battle, when Erza asked you about that conversation you had with Gray…and you said that he had been trying to say–trying to say goodbye…" She trailed off for a moment as she choked up, before managing to force the words out again. "I think…I think that when he came to see me that night, he was trying to say goodbye to me too."

Natsu stiffened as she started weeping full force again, heavy sobs wracking her body.

"I didn't know!" she wailed, her voice breaking.

"Shh…" Natsu whispered, stroking her hair soothingly. "It's okay. You're gonna be okay."

He held her until her sobs finally started letting up. It could have been seconds or minutes or hours; Lucy wasn't sure. It felt like hours though, before she was left trembling and bleary-eyed, her tears finally spent.

"I don't want to cry anymore," she breathed. "I'm so tired of crying."

This wasn't the cleansing type of crying that let her expend her sadness and then move on. This was the ugly kind of crying that left her feeling empty and numb, with only burning eyes and drying tear tracks to confirm that she had been crying at all. She just felt sad and hollow, and a heavy exhaustion settled over her.

"It's okay," Natsu murmured. "But you can't just hide away from reality either. You should…talk. Let it out." He paused. "What did he do when he came to visit you?"

Lucy knew what he was trying to do. He wanted her to talk to let out her pent up emotions and so that she would feel like someone understood her. Even thinking about that night made her want to cry again, but she knew he was right, and she was too exhausted to summon up anymore tears right now anyway.

So instead, she looked up at him and tried to smile. It was a wavering, watery,  _broken_  smile, but it was a start.

"Do you want some hot chocolate?" she asked, her voice trembling slightly before she resolutely held it steady.

Natsu blinked at her in bewilderment, confused by the seemingly random tangent. He gaped at her for a long moment. "Uh…sure?" he answered, his reply sounding more like an uncertain question than a statement.

A corner of Lucy's mouth twitched upwards involuntarily at the baffled look in his eyes.

"Come on then," she said as she stood up and walked around the couch to go into the kitchen. She could practically feel Natsu's wary gaze on her back as he followed her, but she didn't turn around until she had filled the kettle with water and put it on the stove to boil.

When she faced him again, she noticed that his eyes were filled with a mixture of bewilderment, uncertainty, and caution. She wondered if he thought she was cracking under the strain. That thought made her smile a little, although the expression was still wistful and melancholy. His eyes narrowed as he saw the out of place expression, and she almost wanted to laugh.

Instead, she sighed and leaned back against the counter, studying Natsu contemplatively. Her tears were all dried up now and she was too tired and numb to really feel the crushing grief that had weighed her down all day. She was actually rather calm now, although she didn't know how long that would last.

And she suddenly found that she  _did_  want to talk. She wanted to tell Natsu about what had transpired that night in her apartment so that someone else knew besides her. Even more than that, she just wanted to talk about Gray. The grief in the guild was still too raw, so he had become something of a taboo subject. People were mourning him and crying over him, occasionally asking questions about  _why_  he had done such a thing for their sakes, but they said surprisingly little about Gray himself.

She had never really understood why grieving people often liked to share the funny and sweet stories about a lost loved one, but she thought she was beginning to. Right now she didn't want to talk about the sad things. She wanted to talk about the way his crooked smile could light up the room, about how his cool and collected façade hid a selfless nature and deep love for those he considered his family, about the way his dark eyes would shine with mirth as he teased Natsu and the others. Those were beautiful things that she was prone to forget when all she could think about was his tragic death. She ached to be able to see his face and hear his voice again, but since she couldn't, she wanted to talk about them. To remind herself of them so that her grief and pain didn't swallow her whole.

But first, she would talk about that last real conversation, perhaps the most real conversation she had ever had with him. Now that she knew the reason behind his visit and some of his odd behavior, the memory of that conversation had become horribly sad. But it was also beautiful, because he had been so kind and caring, and because she had thought that she was finally seeing a side of him that he rarely showed to the outside world. So, taking a deep breath, she began talking.

"It was night, maybe…three days before the battle? I came home after a long day at the guild, and when I opened the door to my apartment, he was just sitting there on my couch." She smiled wistfully, her eyes misting over as she recalled that night. "Of course I yelled at him for coming in without permission again, but he said he was there to check up on me. To make sure that I was okay. You know, with the battle coming up and everything. I was going to make hot chocolate for myself anyway, so I asked him if he wanted some and he said yes."

Understanding dawned in Natsu's eyes as he realized the meaning behind her seeming non sequitur. Then he frowned a little. "Gray wanted hot chocolate? Since when did he like hot drinks?" he asked in mild surprise.

Lucy laughed a little, and though the sound was a touch strained, she was startled to realize that she also felt some genuine amusement. "Yeah, I didn't even think about that until I made him his cocoa and gave it to him. It was still really hot and I think it might have burned him. But when I commented that he shouldn't have asked for a hot drink if he didn't want one, he just used his magic to cool it off," she said fondly. She frowned slightly. "I mean, I'm sure he drank hot—or at least warm—drinks sometimes, but he really did prefer cold ones."

She began searching through the cabinet to find the cocoa mix.

"Yeah." When Natsu didn't say anything else, Lucy glanced back over at him to see him watching her with a strangely hungry look in his eyes. It occurred to her that he probably wanted her to get on with the story, and she realized that he was desperate to know what Gray had said and done that night. The thought made her heart twist. He had been very close friends with Gray, and she imagined that he was eager to learn anything he could about his best friend's final days.

She sighed quietly as the kettle began whistling and she took it off the heat, carefully pouring the boiling water into two mugs.

"I guess he knew that I would be scared," she remarked softly as she carefully emptied some mix into each mug and began stirring the contents with a spoon. "I tried to deny it. I guess maybe it's because I'm always with you and Erza and…Gray. You guys are always so strong and unafraid, and I guess that I wanted to feel that way too. He saw right through me, of course."

She smiled at Natsu sadly as she handed him his cocoa. He followed her to the kitchen table silently, studying her with an intense gaze. He distractedly started gulping down his cocoa as he watched her, and she winced involuntarily. She supposed that the heat wouldn't bother him, but it made her throat ache just watching him. Shaking her head, she crossed her legs and stirred her drink slowly, staring at the gently swirling contents absentmindedly.

"I mean, I guess I was actually trembling, so it wouldn't have been that hard to tell. He helped calm me down."

She felt a stab of pain and longing as she remembered how Gray had physically stopped her from running away from her fear and then grasped her hand for a brief moment to steady her and stop her trembling. If she concentrated, she could almost feel the brush of his cool skin against her fingers, but then the phantom sensation was gone, and she knew that she would never feel it again. She took a sip of her still too-hot cocoa to disguise the burning in her throat. She would  _not_  cry.

She took a deep breath and started again. "He told me it was okay to be scared. And I–I asked him if he was afraid too." Natsu's eyes narrowed slightly in sudden interest, and Lucy shook her head with a sigh. "I expected him to just come out and say 'no', you know? I mean, he was always so strong and he would never admit to any kind of weakness. But he sat there and considered it. He said that he wasn't afraid of Fairy Tail losing, but that he was a little concerned that some of us might get hurt. But later when I commented that all it took was one battle to end things, he just got this really determined look in his eyes and said that he wouldn't let that happen. And he sounded so…so  _sure_ , like he knew there was no way for us to lose."

Despite her best efforts, Lucy felt her eyes fill with tears again. "I guess I know why, now," she whispered.

There was a sudden shattering sound. Startled, Lucy looked over at Natsu. The handle of the mug had snapped in his hand, and she could see that his fingers were clenched around it so tightly that they were white. He was staring down at the table with narrowed eyes and an unreadable expression.

"Sorry, Lucy," he said mechanically. "I'll clean it up."

He stood and swept the broken shards of the mug off the table and into his other hand in one smooth motion. Walking across the kitchen, he deposited them in the trash can.

"Oh, it's okay," Lucy said, taken aback. Natsu had seemed calm—if melancholy—the whole time he had been here, but she was getting the feeling that he was still a lot more upset than he was letting on.

She grabbed a rag and wet it in the sink so that she could wipe up the puddle of hot chocolate from the table. As she headed back to the sink to rinse the rag out, she spotted Natsu's hand and gasped.

"You're bleeding! Let me go grab some bandages."

Natsu opened his mouth to protest, but she hurried out of the kitchen and came back a moment later with a first aid kit. Pushing the dragon slayer back into the chair he had previously occupied, she carefully washed the blood off his fingers with a clean cloth and wrapped them tightly in gauze.

"I'm sorry," she said as she worked, feeling Natsu's gaze burning into her skin. "We don't have to talk about this."

"No, it's fine," Natsu said hoarsely. "I'm fine. Keep going."

Lucy hesitated, unsure if she should continue or not, but Natsu was staring at her with that hungry expression again. With a sigh, she kept going.

"And then he asked me if that's what I was afraid of: losing my friends." She finished wrapping his fingers and returned to the other side of the table to slump down in her chair again. "I thought about it. There were a lot of things I was afraid of, you know? He was partially right, but the thing I was  _most_ afraid of was that someone was going to get hurt because I–because I was too weak."

She bowed her head, suddenly unable to meet Natsu's gaze. "I didn't want–I didn't want anyone to get hurt because of me, because I can't keep up with the rest of you."

A heavy silence descended upon the room for several long seconds, before Lucy heard a shifting sound and Natsu leaned forward, staring at her intently.

"You do realize that he isn't dead because of your…'weakness', right?" he asked.

She looked up at him again and blinked back tears. "I know…I know that there isn't really much I could have done," she whispered. "He told me that I had strengths as well as weaknesses—that my spirits were useful and that I was clever and that I played a big part in holding our team together. But…I guess I wish that I was stronger, so that maybe I could have  _done_  something."

Natsu sighed softly. "At that point we were all almost out of magic anyway. There wasn't anything that I could do either. I couldn't even break down his damn ice wall." He looked at her with haunted eyes. "Strength isn't everything. Sometimes it isn't enough."

"I know. If there wasn't anything you could do, then I didn't really stand a chance." She looked away, lips trembling slightly. "I'm sorry. I know it must hurt, that you couldn't stop him. You and Erza and the others…you knew him much longer than I did, so it must be so much worse for you. And then I wonder why I'm crying so much, if I should be the least upset. Like, what right do I have to mourn when I only knew him for a matter of months and you guys knew him since you were kids? I just…I don't know."

She rubbed at her eyes hurriedly. She didn't know where all the tears were coming from. Surely she should have been out of them by now. Every time she thought she couldn't possibly cry anymore, new tears managed to spring up anyway.

"Lucy," Natsu said gently, reaching across the table to tilt her chin upwards so that she was looking at him again, "you have just as much 'right' to mourn him as we do. Sure we knew him a lot longer, but that doesn't make your own friendship with him any less important. I know how closely you get attached to your friends and Gray was…Gray was special." Pain flared in his eyes briefly before vanishing once more. "And you know…He obviously cared a lot about you too, you know?"

He pulled his hand away and dropped it back to the surface of the table, but Lucy kept staring at him, trying to figure out how he wasn't crying over Gray like she had been. How could he hold back the tears when she couldn't do it no matter how hard she tried? His gaze drifted away.

"He left me a letter," Natsu confessed, still not looking at Lucy. "In it he told me to make sure that I…checked up on a few people. You were included on that list."

Lucy's heart twisted painfully and her eyes filled with unshed tears yet again.

"One of the things he said was to make sure that you didn't blame your weakness for his death in any way, shape, or form. He wanted me to take care of a few other people too, but you were included with the likes of Erza and Cana and Lyon, and other people that he's known for so much longer. You were still included."

The tears were dripping silently down Lucy's face now, and she bit her knuckle hard to hold back a fresh wave of sobs. Natsu looked back over at her solemnly.

"It doesn't matter how strong you are or could have been. We were outmatched in that fight. If anyone should have been able to stop him—to save him—it would have been me." Something flashed in his eyes again, but he quickly regained control of his expression. "If I couldn't do it, then you didn't have a chance. Your 'weakness' didn't contribute to his death in any way. But if you're worried about burdening others, then you should just train to get stronger, you know."

Lucy let out a strangled noise and fought back the sobs valiantly. Natsu fell silent, letting her take a few minutes to compose herself once more.

"You know," she said, her voice breaking, "he pretty much told me the exact same thing." Natsu looked at her curiously. "I said something really dumb about how I didn't know how I'd live with myself if someone I cared about died for me." She shook her head. "In retrospect it was a really insensitive thing to say, especially with what happened to his master. But he didn't get upset or anything. He just told me a little about how he had trained to get stronger afterwards, so that no one would suffer for his weakness again. He told me a little bit about his past, but he really only used it to…I don't know. Show me something about myself, I guess. Like…if I really want peace of mind, to feel like I'm not burdening everyone else, I should just make a change within myself."

She offered Natsu a shaky smile. "Even–even at the end, he was trying to help me and comfort me. I guess that's always how he was, although he was usually more subtle about it. But God, I wish I had known what was going on in his head so that I could have at least said goodbye too."

Natsu's mouth curved downwards. "Yeah, he was always like that. He always tried to act cool and disinterested, but he cared a lot more than he let on, and he'd show it in his own way." He shook his head. "But you know, you did get a chance to say goodbye. At the very end."

Lucy grimaced and looked away. "Yeah, but it's not the same, you know. He told me a lot of really nice things that night and made me feel a lot better about myself, but do you know what the last thing I said to him was then? I told him to stop reading my novels without permission and not to break into my apartment without an invitation again. What a great goodbye, huh? After everything he did for me, I just told him to stay away." Her lips trembled. "But God, he could break in here as often as he wanted if he would just come back. I walk in here every day half-hoping that I'll see him sprawled across my couch. It's not going to happen, of course. I know that. But still…"

She blinked away tears again, her fingers curling uselessly around her now lukewarm mug of cocoa.

"I know," Natsu said quietly. "Every time I walk into the guild I almost expect to see him there, because he  _belongs_  there. Just like part of him belongs on your couch, you know? And honestly, I think that those aren't bad for parting words. Those things that you said are familiar and normal, and they're a part of you that belongs with him—with us. Considering what he was facing, he probably wanted to hear something like that to ground him. Those things are so  _you_ , Lucy. I think he would have appreciated that. And honestly, he knew what you meant. He was really good at figuring out the hidden meanings behind other people's words."

Lucy just stared at him for a moment. "And what, pray tell, did I mean?"

Natsu met her gaze solemnly. "I think that you meant to say 'thank you'."

She blinked at him and chuckled dryly. "How in the world did you get 'thank you' out of that?" she asked in disbelief, shaking her head.

"It's not the words, Lucy," he answered steadily. "You were thankful because he helped you and because he was kind to you. Do you really think he was so dense that he didn't realize that? Gray was a lot of things, but he wasn't stupid."

Lucy leaned back in her chair and considered that for a moment. Of course she knew that she had been grateful to Gray, and she was certain that Gray had known that as well. She wasn't sure if that was what she had been trying to convey in those final words or if Gray had picked up on it even if she had, but it was a nice thought.

"I suppose so." She glanced at him curiously. "You talked to him beforehand too, right? What did you guys talk about?"

Natsu's expression immediately closed off and he stared at her blankly, his emotions tightly hidden behind an unreadable mask. Lucy regretted asking. The few snippets of information she had already gleaned about that talk had suggested that it wasn't the same as the conversation she had had with Gray. Her talk with him had been comforting for her, but it sounded as if his conversation with Natsu had been altogether darker.

"I'm sorry," she said quickly. "I shouldn't have asked."

The dragon slayer shrugged, his features still arranged in an expressionless mask.

"It's fine. I asked first anyway." His gaze wandered away from her, and she thought she detected a quick flicker of pain before he managed to conceal his emotions once more. "It was different from your conversation with him. He was a lot more upset, although I didn't know why. But…from what you've said about your talk with him, it seems like he was in much better spirits after he got used to the idea of the…backup plan." His features tightened momentarily before relaxing again. "At least he recovered and wasn't so sad towards the end."

Lucy suppressed a wince. She remembered how on the night Gray had come to her apartment, she had stood by the window and watched him walk away down the street after their talk. He had turned back once, and she could still clearly see the melancholy, almost anguished, expression he had been wearing before he noticed her standing there and smiled once more. She had thought that she had imagined it at the time, but now she had to wonder. It was true that he had been in much better spirits when he had talked to her, but had he still been hiding a sadness and loneliness that he couldn't share with them?

She looked away, unable to meet Natsu's gaze for fear that the dragon slayer would see her thoughts reflected in her eyes. There was no way she would tell him about that last look on Gray's face. It was better if he thought his friend had fully come to terms with everything at the end.

And maybe Gray had. They would never know for sure.

"Yeah," she said finally, forcing the words out through her suddenly dry throat. "He didn't seem so sad."

If Natsu sensed a half-truth, he didn't press her. He was silent for a minute, before pushing himself to his feet.

"It's late and you should probably get some sleep. Maybe you'll feel better in the morning." He peered at her closely. "If you need anything, even if you just need someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on, you come to me, okay? It doesn't matter what time it is or what I'm doing. I'm here for you, Lucy."

She forced a smile as tears burned at the corners of her eyes again. "Thank you, Natsu. I'll do that. And if you need anything, you can always come to me as well."

"Yeah," he said after hesitating for a moment. There was something in his eyes and voice that let her know that he would never take her up on that offer. "Thanks, Lucy."

She stood and walked him to the door, holding it open for him so that he could leave.

"Sorry about your mug," he added as an afterthought.

Lucy smiled a little. "Don't worry about it. Just take care of your cuts and make sure that they don't get infected, alright?" she replied sternly, giving his bandaged hand a pointed look.

"Yeah, yeah," Natsu answered with a short laugh that sounded more forced than genuine. "I will."

He turned to go, before pausing and glancing back. "He cared about you a lot—as much as he cared about the rest of us. He wanted you to be able to mourn and then move on, to go on to live and not just survive. It's not going to be easy, but someday…" He shook his head. "Gray wanted you to be able to be happy again, Lucy. Don't forget that."

Lucy watched him disappear from sight, unable to say anything past the lump in her throat. Yes, she could imagine that Gray would want her to be happy. She recalled the last two pieces of advice he had given her before leaving her apartment that night. He had told her to keep training after this battle so that she could be more confident in herself, and he had also encouraged her to finish writing her novels and then publish them so that other people could enjoy them as much as he had.

She was definitely going to train harder now, once the grief had faded a little. She would get stronger so that nothing like this had to happen again. And as for his second request…

She wandered over to where the manuscript of her latest novel was sitting unbound on her coffee table. It had actually been sitting there for weeks now, ever since she had finally finished it. She hadn't shown it to anyone yet, not even Levy, but it would have been out in plain view when Gray had been there. She knew that he had already read pieces of it on other occasions, before she noticed and stopped him. He hadn't been reading it when she had come in that night, but it was possible that he had read it while he was waiting for her to arrive. She found herself silently hoping that he had. There was something comforting about the idea that he had finished reading her latest novel before he died. But again, she would never know.

Reaching down, she pushed the title page aside and carefully picked up the latest addition to her manuscript. Her eyes silently scanned the dedication that she had penned only days before.

_For Gray. I may never know if you finished reading this book before you died, but I really hope you did. I never thought that I'd find the courage and strength to publish my work, but thank you for lending me yours so that I could follow my dream. You will always own a piece of our hearts, and you will be forever remembered as one of our dearest friends. Thank you, Gray. Thank you for everything._

Fresh tears welled in her eyes as she read the 'goodbye' she hadn't been able to give Gray before his death, but she found that she was smiling as well. Things weren't okay and wouldn't be okay for a long time, but just for this moment, as she held this silent farewell in her hands, she felt closer to her missing friend than she ever had since his death.

She realized that she was feeling a little lighter and a little stronger, like how she should have felt after a good, cleansing cry. Her tears had been ugly and cruel and not at all cleansing, so they couldn't have caused the feeling. It occurred to her that perhaps talking about Gray and sharing her thoughts and feelings had had a similar effect. She wondered if Natsu had anticipated that, and if that was why he had encouraged her to talk.

Gently replacing the dedication and cover page, she turned to head to her bedroom. It was true that she felt slightly better than before, but she was still tired and achy from all the crying she had done, and all she wanted to do was sleep. After only a few steps, she paused and glanced back into the room behind her.

She felt the sudden urge to go over to the window and watch Natsu walk away just as she had watched Gray, but she didn't move. She could still remember that heartbreaking look on Gray's face that told her that he had been hiding his pain from her and pretending to be more alright than he really was. She wasn't sure she could bear it if she saw a similar look on Natsu's face. The dragon slayer had seemed so strong and collected while she was falling apart, but Lucy was suspicious that he was closer to breaking than he let on. However, there was something comforting about thinking that he was strong and resilient and able to move on when she herself hadn't quite managed it, and she didn't want to spoil that image of him right now.

There might be more harsh truths facing her if she looked out that window, but she had had enough of reality for the day, so instead she walked away.

* * *

Natsu was rather impressed with himself. He had managed to hold himself together through the whole talk with Lucy the night before, and hadn't even started crying until he had made it back to his house and crawled into his bed. Gray had sure as hell better be grateful, wherever he was.

Keeping the mask in place had been tiring, but Natsu had better get used to it, since that's what he would have to show everyone else in the guild as well. They needed him to be strong—to be  _fine_ —right now, so he would be. Gray had asked him to be strong, and Natsu would be damned if he didn't follow his friend's wishes to the letter.

So after several minutes spent preparing himself to maintain his composure, Natsu headed for the guild with Happy by his side. They remained quiet the whole way there. The dragon slayer hadn't been very talkative lately, and the Exceed had accepted that.

They finally reached the guild hall and Natsu pushed the doors open and peered inside, expecting to see all his friends. He froze. Someone was missing.

Gray wasn't there.

The dragon slayer scanned the faces in the hall, and his brain started working overtime to come up with an explanation for the ice mage's absence, in order to protect Natsu's fragile state of mind. Maybe Gray was out on a mission. Maybe he had slept in and would be over later. Maybe…

Natsu turned on his heel and walked back out of the hall, letting the doors fall shut behind him. Happy hesitated and then flew after him with a concerned and confused expression on his face.

"Natsu?"

The dragon slayer didn't reply as he began walking briskly in a giant circle around the guild. He had clearly been imagining things. Gray was there—he had to be. When Natsu went in again the ice mage would be sitting at his usual table, giving the dragon slayer a contemptuous smirk as he asked what the hell Natsu thought he was doing, walking out of the guild as soon as he entered it. Yeah. Because the alternative—that Gray wasn't there and never would be there again—was impossible. Completely impossible.

"Natsu? What are you doing?"

"Nothing," the dragon slayer muttered in response to Happy as he walked around the back of the guild and started up the other side. Some part of him knew better than to tell the little cat what was going on inside his head, because some part of him still knew the truth.

"Are you okay?" the Exceed asked with a mixture of frantic concern and desperation.

"Yeah. I'm fine," Natsu said stubbornly. "I'm fine."

And he  _was_. He was completely, one hundred percent fine, because when he walked back through those doors, Gray would be standing there looking for a fight. Natsu was fine because he  _had_ to be fine. No one else was fine, but Natsu was strong and he was  _fine_.

He rounded the corner and paused in front of the doors again, taking a deep breath to steel himself before pushing them open once more. His gaze skipped frantically about the room, searching for one familiar face in the sea of gloomy expressions. He let his breath out in a hiss. Gray wasn't there.

Well, third time's the charm. Ignoring Happy's anxious questions, Natsu began circling the building again, his pace and heart rate speeding up until he was breathing heavily and half-running in his desperation to open the doors again and see Gray's face.

When he pushed the doors open a third time, nothing had changed. Natsu's breath was coming in short gasps now, and he was suddenly getting angry because this was a goddamn  _joke_ , and it wasn't funny at all. Gray had some nerve to be playing stupid jokes like this, and Natsu would make him pay for it. He would…He would…

Natsu reeled back, letting the doors slam closed again. Some of the other guild members had noticed his odd behavior and were calling out to him, asking him if he was alright.

"I'm fine. I'm  _fine_ ," he chanted stubbornly, not sure if they could hear his words through the heavy wooden doors.

"Natsu?"

The dragon slayer looked up at Happy, his eyes wide and frantic. "I'm  _fine_ ," he repeated.

The little blue cat didn't look reassured. In fact, he looked even more worried. "Natsu–"

"I'm going home," Natsu decided suddenly, cutting off whatever it was Happy was about to say. "You can stay here and comfort Lucy some more or something. And tell everyone that I'm fine. They're worrying over nothing."

"Are they?" Happy asked sadly, his eyes shining with concern and resignation.

"Yeah. Really, Happy, I'm fine." A hint of mulish stubbornness crept back into his voice as he repeated his mantra. He was fine. He had to be fine. "Don't tell them otherwise. I'll just…be at home for a while. Tell them I'll come in tomorrow, okay?"

Happy nodded sadly. "Aye sir."

"Thanks," Natsu breathed. For just a moment, his eyes softened. "It's going to be okay, Happy. I'm fine."

The little cat stared at him silently for a long minute, and it was clear that he didn't believe his friend. But he bit back whatever he might have said, only nodding again instead.

"Okay."

With a backwards glance, Happy entered the guild and then disappeared as the doors shut once more.

Natsu turned and headed towards his house, but after a few seconds he found himself running, his feet thudding against the street in time to his silent mantra:  _I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine._

He would be fine. He would be fine because Gray couldn't possibly be gone. There was no way the ice block was dead. It was impossible.  _Impossible, impossible, impossible_.

Bursting through his front door, Natsu barely paused to slam the door shut before running to his bedroom and throwing himself onto his bed. Not bothering to undress, he slipped between the sheets and pulled the covers over his head. He silently focused on calming his erratic heartbeat and jagged breathing so that he could settle down and fall asleep. Not caring that it was the middle of the afternoon, Natsu slowly slipped into an uneasy slumber.

When he woke up the next day, he would laugh off today as just a bad dream. A horrible dream filled with terrible things that couldn't possibly be true. When he woke up tomorrow, he would go back to the guild and open the doors to see Gray sitting there with a scowl on his face, demanding to know why Natsu hadn't come to the guild the day before. Tomorrow everything would be better. Tomorrow.

Because the alternative was too terrible to even imagine, too impossible to be true. Natsu would wake up tomorrow and he would be  _fine_ , because it was impossible— _impossible_ —that Gray was dead. They would  _both_  be okay.

The lines between reality and fiction, truth and lies, were becoming impossibly blurred, to the point where Natsu could hold firmly to only one unwavering truth:

He would be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so that was a little overboard for denial, but Natsu is pretty over the top at the best of times. His insistence that he's fine (both to himself and others) is also a form of denial, and perhaps a less extreme and more common way for grieving people to protect themselves when they're in a state of denial.


	4. Erza (Anger)

**Erza (Anger)**

Erza stared blankly at the water winding its way through the landscape just a few feet in front of her. She absently scooted forward a little so that she could let one pale hand dip into the river. The current swirled gently around her fingers for several seconds before she withdrew her hand. She silently watched the water pouring through her fingers back into the river, and reflected that it rather looked like the tears she couldn't cry.

"Erza?"

Startled, she twisted around, almost losing her balance and toppling into the river before catching herself. Natsu was standing several feet behind her, watching her carefully. She felt a sudden stab of unhappiness that it wasn't Gray standing there, coming to comfort her like he had done all those years ago, but she hurriedly pushed it aside. Thinking like that wasn't fair to Natsu, and it certainly wouldn't do her any good or improve her mood. But still…

Erza sighed softly. "How did you find me?" she asked evenly. Not many people knew about her riverside retreat. Gray…Gray had known, but few others had. "I hope you haven't been searching for me all over the place."

The dragon slayer hesitated, shuffling his feet uncertainly before walking forward and sitting down beside her. He looked out at the river, as if trying to figure out what Erza had seen in its swirling waters. She noticed that although he seemed rather drawn and solemn, he showed few obvious signs of grief. After his initial state of shock and depression he had seemed to bounce back quickly. That was Natsu—strong and resilient.

"I have, actually. Been searching for you." Natsu glanced at her sidelong. "You keep disappearing from the guild."

Erza shrugged. "It's not like I'm the only one. You haven't gone to the guild every day either, Cana keeps running off to get drunk in different bars, and no one has even seen Juvia in days."

"That's true," Natsu said with a nod, conceding the point. "But I was looking for  _you_. No one seemed to be able to guess where you might be."

"Hardly surprising," she remarked dryly. "Sorry you had to hunt me down. I hope you haven't been searching for me too long. Did you need something?"

Natsu shook his head. "No, I don't need anything. And no, it didn't really take me very long to find you."

Erza's eyebrows jumped upwards in surprise. "It didn't? Got lucky, did you?"

"No…" The dragon slayer looked torn, as if he was debating whether or not to tell her something. She studied him carefully, unsure of what he might feel it unwise to tell her. After a moment, he seemed to come to a decision. "When you weren't in the guild or at the dorms, I came down here looking for you first thing." He hesitated for a second. "Gray told me."

Erza jerked back in surprise and then narrowed her eyes at Natsu in consternation. Ignoring the twinge of heartache at hearing her dead friend's name, she pressed the dragon slayer to continue.

"What do you mean?"

Natsu chewed on his lip for a second before sighing and returning his gaze to the river. "Well, it's not like he said it was a secret or anything," he murmured to himself. Erza felt her eyebrows inching upwards again. "He left me a letter," Natsu said abruptly. "Apparently he wrote it before the fight with the demon, and gave it to Jii-chan to hold on to in case…in case we needed the backup plan."

Erza let out a breath and her fingers curled around her knees, leaving red crescent-shaped marks where her nails bit into her skin. She pushed aside the feeling of injured betrayal that arose at the mention of the master, deciding that she would sort out that whole tangled mess of emotions later. She still couldn't believe that the man she had so admired and respected had betrayed them like that, but she forced herself to focus on what Natsu had said. A letter. Gray had left a letter?

"What–what did it say?" she asked, forcing her voice past the lump in her throat.

Natsu's slanted gaze suddenly took on a shifty edge, as if he wasn't willing to answer her honestly, but he spoke anyway. "A lot of things, really. But a big part of it was asking me for favors. He wanted me to check up on some people and make sure that they were okay, since he…wouldn't be around to do it himself. You were one of those people." His hands clenched convulsively, his fingers digging into the earth in front of him. "He told me to look for you here if I couldn't find you."

Erza felt her eyes fill with tears, and let her scarlet hair fall into her face so that Natsu couldn't see the moisture in her eyes if he looked at her again. She had been coming down to the river for at least an hour every day since Gray's death. It made sense since this was where she came to be alone and cry without being seen, but deep down she knew that wasn't the main reason. The real reason she still came here was because this was where Gray had found her crying all those years ago, and part of her was still holding onto the irrational hope that one day he might come up behind her and ask her why she was crying all by herself again.

It was a silly hope that shimmered and disappeared when she tried to look directly at it, but Natsu's words dragged it out of the shadows and forced her to see it for what it was—impossible. But in a way, Gray  _had_ come to comfort her again, just like when they were children. Even if he couldn't be here to do it himself, he had sent Natsu in his place. In his final days, when he should have been worrying about himself, he had still been looking out for her.

Erza let out a shaky breath. "I see," she said, struggling to keep her voice as even as possible. "I appreciate the sentiment, really, but as you can see, I'm doing alright."

Natsu snorted softly. "You're lying. You can keep on telling yourself, and telling everyone else, that you're  _'fine'_ , but you aren't, are you?"

Erza's breath caught as she looked back over at the dragon slayer with tear-filled eyes. She couldn't believe that he could see through her so easily, and vaguely wondered why the word 'fine' had been laced with so much bitterness.

"In that letter, he told me to find a way to make you talk about your feelings. Saying that you're 'fine' isn't going to make me leave you alone. You aren't currently surrounded by grieving people on the brink of falling apart—you don't have to pretend to be so strong right now. You aren't fine and you won't be fine for a while. You need to admit that to yourself."

Natsu was staring at her with smoldering eyes and Erza wondered when he had become so good at talking about emotions and feelings. He usually avoided it like the plague, just like she and Gray did.

He was still watching her, and she felt the need to open her mouth and say something to make him think that she was alright.

Instead, she found herself saying, "I miss him," in a small, wavering voice.

Natsu's eyes softened. "I know."

That's when the tears started in earnest, and although Erza tried to stop them, it was a losing battle. She buried her face in her hands and cried silently. All this time the tears had refused to come, and now she realized why. She had been afraid. She had been afraid because Gray had hated to see her cry, because Gray had comforted her and fought for her so that she didn't have to cry anymore, and most of all, because she knew that when she cried this time, Gray wouldn't be there to stop her. It was now, as she cried, that she felt the loneliest.

She suddenly felt Natsu's arm wrap around her and pull her sideways so that she was leaning against him, and she twisted to hide her face in his shirt. Gray wasn't here, but she realized that despite that, she wasn't really alone. She thought back to that last real conversation she had had with him, down here on the riverbank.

_"You can talk to_ any _of your friends. I'll help you in any way I can, but you can rely on the others too."_

In the past, Gray had been the one to find her and understand her and keep her from crying alone, but she had other friends too. Friends that were still here. For a brief moment she indulged the fantasy that it was Gray holding her, but then she pushed it away firmly. Natsu wasn't Gray's substitute. He could comfort her just as well as Gray could.

It was time to stop sitting alone on the riverbank waiting for Gray to come fetch her.

"He was my first real friend at Fairy Tail," she said, her voice muffled by Natsu's shirt. "I mean, he was so  _annoying_  when I first met him. He was always trying to fight me or insult me, and I found it really weird that he kept unconsciously stripping. He was so closed off from people, and I kind of think that he was afraid to get close to anyone after what happened to his parents and master. And I guess I was probably the same way. He annoyed me so much, but in a lot of ways, we were the same."

Erza paused, debating whether or not to share the story of the start of their friendship. It was something intensely personal to the two of them, and she wasn't sure if she should let an outsider in. She had never told anyone else about it before and she doubted that Gray had either. But Gray wasn't here, and Erza wanted to talk about him. About what he had done for her and what he had meant to her.

"I was still really upset over what had happened at the Tower," she continued after a moment, finally pulling away from Natsu and wiping away her hot tears with the back of her hand. She wrapped her arms around her knees again and stared out at the river. "I used to come down here when I wanted to be alone or when I needed to cry and didn't want anyone to see me. And then one day he found me here. I was just sitting here crying, and all of a sudden he came charging down the bank demanding to fight me."

She let out a choked laugh at the memory. "And I didn't really want to fight this stupid kid, but I was going to do it anyway so that he didn't realize how upset I was. But he had seen me crying and decided that he didn't want to fight anymore. He just asked me why I was alone all the time, and when I said that I liked being alone, he asked me why I was crying then. And then he sat down next to me and refused to leave, because he didn't think that I should have to cry alone."

Her lips twitched upwards in a painful imitation of a smile, but the expression disappeared quickly. Tears were welling up again and she hurriedly brushed them away.

"And even though we never came out and said it or started being really nice to each other or anything, I think that's when we really became friends," she finished, her voice wavering unsteadily as she fought back more tears.

"Hm," Natsu hummed from beside her. He looked over at her, but although their gazes touched, they didn't quite meet, as if he couldn't quite look her in the eye. "It sounds like a beautiful start to a wonderful friendship," he commented.

"Yeah, you two had a lot of things in common. But…" He paused briefly before continuing. "But maybe that doesn't mean you shouldn't consider a little change. You both care a lot about your friends and would do almost anything for them, and that's not a bad thing. But you both also have a tendency to hide your emotions and pasts because you want to appear stronger than you are. You always hide behind your armor, and Gray always hid behind a carefully constructed façade. I think that at the end Gray was trying to break out of that a little and let us get a glimpse of his true feelings and thoughts. Maybe you should think about doing something similar."

Erza stared at him silently. She wanted to deny the accusations, but knew that she couldn't. Even now she was trying to pull herself together to put on a brave front for Natsu, just as she suspected that Gray had done for all of them. And in their last real conversation, Gray had pretty much advised her to do what Natsu just said. But he had also admitted that it wouldn't be easy, learning to open up and rely on others.  _Should_ Erza follow their advice? Probably.  _Could_ she? Well…that was a whole other matter entirely. But she had promised Gray that she would try.

Her eyes narrowed as she studied Natsu's face pensively. She rather thought that there was someone else here who should also be trying—someone else who had many of the same characteristics, even if he didn't want to admit it.

"That goes for you too, you know," she remarked." You aren't as bad as we are, but you always try to put up a brave front too. Even when you're upset, you still try to make people think that you're stronger than you are."

Startled, Natsu finally met her gaze. "I think you're giving me too much credit," he said dryly. "You and Gray are the kind of people who dwell on your pasts and problems even if you can't change them. I'm not."

"Oh really?" Erza asked, arching an eyebrow.

"Really," he repeated firmly. A hint of stubborn defensiveness crept into his voice as he realized that she wasn't buying it. "Give me one example then."

"Right now," Erza said with a sigh. "Gray was one of your closest friends and I don't doubt that his death hurt you a lot. But you can sit here and talk about him so calmly, as if you aren't affected at all. I can't imagine that you're half as disinterested as you pretend to be."

Natsu's expression immediately turned shuttered, and he watched her with wary eyes. "Like I said, I don't dwell on things as much as the rest of you. I already mourned Gray. I said what I needed to say and cried all that I needed to cry. Now I'm fine."

She studied him carefully. It  _was_  possible that he really wasn't as affected as the rest of them, because he was right when he said that he had an easier time of putting his problems behind him and looking forward. But still…

"Are you?" she asked, just barely resisting the urge to call him a liar like he had done earlier when he called her bluff. He was already defensive enough.

Natsu hesitated, reading something in her expression, and then sighed as his gaze slid away from hers. "I will be," he said quietly.

That was probably the closest thing to an admission that she'd get out of him, Erza reflected. With a sigh, she looked back out at the river.

"He found me down here again a few days before the battle and talked to me. I promised him that I would try. That I would try to open up and trust my friends with my feelings and problems. It won't–it won't be easy, but I'm going to try. I think that maybe we should  _all_  try."

She could practically feel Natsu's attention focus on her. "He talked to you before the battle too? Was he acting kind of strange?"

Erza considered it. "I mean, he was perhaps a little more open and straightforward than usual, and he admitted to feeling nostalgic. And there were a few things he said…" She shook her head, biting her lip as she recalled some of Gray's comments that had initially bothered her before he had written them off with a half-smile and a plausible explanation. She wondered how many of those explanations had been fabricated to cover up the fact that he might be dead within days. She swallowed hard. "Just things that didn't sound quite right."

They sat in silence for several long moments before Natsu stirred again.

"Apparently he talked to Lucy too, and he spoke with me as well. Looking back, I got the feeling that he was trying to say goodbye during that conversation. Lucy felt the same. Is that…?" He trailed off uncertainly.

Erza bowed her head and let her hair fall forward to veil her face. Yes, if she had to pick one thing that Gray had been trying to tell her, it would be 'goodbye'. The nostalgia and talk of the past, the hesitant consideration of the future, the promises secured… She blinked back tears. Yes, that had been the talk of a dying man.

"Yeah," she rasped past the lump in her throat. "Yeah."

A heavy silence fell once more. Erza allowed herself to cry soundlessly for a few minutes, before forcibly pulling herself together again. Before she could say anything, Natsu slowly pushed himself to his feet and looked down at her. She surreptitiously wiped at her eyes and tilted her head back to look at his face.

"I think I'm going to go back to the guild for a bit." He paused and studied her. "I think you should come too."

Erza balked. She knew that she was a mess, with red-rimmed eyes and tear-stained cheeks. And there was still the possibility that something would set her off crying at any minute. She wasn't sure she wanted to be around everyone until she could get herself back under control.

"I don't think that–"

"In his letter," Natsu interrupted, "Gray specifically said that he didn't want you to be alone." They stared at each other, and Erza felt tears welling in her eyes again. "You said that you'd try," he added in a gentler voice.

After a moment, she nodded and stood. "Yes, I did say that," she whispered finally.

Natsu offered her a small smile and she tried to return it. She had the feeling that it looked more like a grimace than anything else, but at least she had  _tried_.

"Let's go then," Natsu said, turning to walk away. "You still have a lot of friends who want to be there for you."

Erza made to follow him, but hesitated for a moment longer. She twisted back around to look at the river—the river where she had always come to be alone and mourn her losses and cry her tears.

For just an instant, she could have sworn that she heard an echo of Gray's words from their final conversation.

_"You've come a long way from being that girl crying alone on the riverbank."_

She smiled a wavering smile through her tears.

Yes, yes she had.

* * *

"How dare he? How  _dare_ he?"

Happy perched on a window ledge at the periphery of the room to watch the maelstrom from a place of relative safety. This was more familiar territory, but it was still disturbing. An angry Natsu made more sense than a Natsu who refused to eat and wouldn't enter a building unless he saw his dead friend inside. But…This was a different anger. An unfamiliar anger. An anger born of desperation and grief and pain.

The house was in shambles and the perpetrator stood in the middle of the wreck, still fuming. Natsu snatched up one of the few remaining plates and threw it against the far wall. It shattered in a very satisfying way, but it wasn't enough appease him.

"I didn't give him permission to die. I  _told_ him to live for his friends. I  _told_ him that I didn't want him to die and that he wasn't just some stupid backup plan. But did he listen?  _No!_ "

He spun and kicked the wall, leaving a gaping hole. Something in the back of his mind whispered that he shouldn't be destroying his house, but he ignored it. Right now he was so  _angry_ , and he wanted to destroy something. Gray wasn't here to fight with, so Natsu would just take out his fury on something else.

"How could he be so  _selfish_?" Natsu spat. "Why the hell did he go off and play the hero like a damn fool?"

"Natsu–" Happy tried, but the dragon slayer continued rambling on, not seeming to even hear the Exceed.

"And what the hell was Jii-chan thinking, asking him to use that damn spell? And that stupid demon…I wish I could tear it apart!"

He turned and stared at Happy with blazing eyes. "But  _he_ was the one who went through with the idiotic plan! I told him to never use that spell again. He was always so damn  _stubborn!_ He never listened to me. Never! Why didn't he listen?"

"I think he listened to you," Happy ventured, watching his friend cautiously.

Natsu just snarled and bared his teeth. "Of course he didn't! If he listened to me then he wouldn't be dead! But he always was a selfish bastard."

Natsu turned away and slammed a fist into the wall.

"Natsu, you shouldn't be so angry at Gray," Happy insisted.

The dragon slayer laughed harshly. It wasn't an amused sound. "Why the hell not? This is all his fault."

Natsu would be angry with whoever he damn well pleased. He was angry at Jii-chan for thinking up such a stupid plan, angry at the demon that had ultimately caused Gray's death, angry at  _life_  because it was so damn  _unfair_. But most of all, he was angry at Gray, because Gray had known how much he meant to everyone and how much his death would hurt them all, and he had gone and offed himself anyway. Deep down a little voice whispered that he was angry because he was grieving, because while he didn't know how to deal with grief, he knew how to deal with anger.

Natsu didn't want to listen to that voice. He didn't want to feel grief-stricken and hurt. He just wanted to smash things.

His eyes drifted to where a corner of Gray's letter poked out from the remains of his kitchen table, and he set his mouth in a grim line. He couldn't fight Gray for making him angry, because Gray wasn't here. But his stupid letter  _was_. Natsu started forward, intent on ripping it to shreds.

"Natsu, no!" Happy, apparently sensing his intentions, suddenly hurtled across the room to snatch up the letter. He flew up towards the ceiling and hovered in the air, clutching the papers to his chest. His eyes filled with tears as he looked down at Natsu. "You can't! If you destroy this, you'll regret it later. This is something precious that Gray left you, and if you destroy it you'll never be able to get it back."

Natsu glared up at the little cat and considered just grabbing the letter back. It wasn't like Happy could really keep it away from him if he was that set on taking it. But…part of Natsu knew that Happy was right. He could buy more plates and furniture, but he wouldn't ever be able to replace that damn letter. Even though he had already read it enough times that he knew it by heart, Natsu knew that it wouldn't be the same if the physical copy was gone. It would be like destroying the only pieces of Gray he had left, and no matter how mad Natsu was at his friend, he couldn't make himself do that.

But damn, he wanted to.

"Fine. If you want it so badly then keep the thing," he snarled.

Happy looked momentarily surprised that the dragon slayer hadn't put up more of a fight, but it didn't disguise the hurt and sadness in his eyes. Natsu felt a prick of guilt. He shouldn't be taking his anger out on the Exceed. It wasn't Happy he was mad at. The little feline was already upset over Gray's death, and now Natsu was being mean to him on top of that. Happy was mourning and Natsu should be mourning too. His best friend was dead—he shouldn't be angry. He should be sad.

But Natsu didn't want to be sad.

He turned away and kicked shards of broken dishes across the floor angrily. "But God, how dare he be so damn selfish?" he hissed, unwilling to let go of his fury just yet. "He always hated seeing people cry, he said that he never wanted to see Erza cry again. What a hypocrite. Who's making everyone cry now? He made Lucy cry, he made Erza cry, he even made  _Lyon_  cry."

"And you," Happy interrupted in a small voice.

Natsu looked back at the Exceed with narrowed eyes, to see Happy watching him with a mixture of pity and sadness.

"What?" the dragon slayer asked, surprise temporarily draining the anger from his voice.

"You're angry because he made you cry too," Happy said gently.

"I'm not–" Natsu broke off and reached up, his fingers brushing his cheek. They came back wet. He stared in stunned fascination at the single tear sliding down his finger, watching it until it dripped to the floor.

Something inside him threatened to break, and Natsu spun away and slammed his fist into the wall again. He ignored the tears because he couldn't handle them right now. He wanted to be angry, not sad.

"I hate you, I hate you!" he screamed, his blind rage and anguish obscuring the fact that he couldn't speak directly to his best friend any longer. "How dare you do this to me? How dare you leave me alone? I need you! Damn it, I  _need_ you. How could you be such a horrible friend? How could you throw everything away and leave me? Why? Why?"

Natsu clenched his hands so hard that his nails gouged into his palms and drew forth a few tiny beads of crimson blood. He was all too aware that he was sobbing now, even if he was still furious.

"How dare you do this to me?" he whispered, his voice threatening to break. "I will never ever…" He trailed off, unable to finish voicing the sentiment. He tried again. "I will never–"

_'I will never forgive you.'_

With a loud cry equal parts anger and anguish, Natsu sank to the floor and buried his face in his hands. He couldn't say it. He had the horrible feeling that if those words left his mouth, something irreplaceable and unbearably precious would be irrevocably destroyed.

"Natsu?" Happy asked in concern. The Exceed flew down and settled beside the dragon slayer. He threw his stubby little arms around Natsu as far as they could go. "You aren't alone."

"I hate him," Natsu said brokenly, his voice lacking heat. "I hate him."

But right now he couldn't summon up that hate, so he wrapped his arms around Happy and cried instead.


	5. Juvia (Bargaining)

**Juvia (Bargaining)**

The rain hadn't stopped since Gray-sama died. He was the one who had stopped Juvia's rain and now that he was gone, there was nothing left to prevent the flood.

Juvia hadn't returned to the guild ever since that day. She had initially hidden herself away in her room at the Fairy Hills dorm to mourn, but within a few days she had realized that she had to leave. It had rained over the dormitory nonstop, and when Juvia cried she flooded the building with tears. Some of the other girls had tried talking to her and comforting her, but Juvia had decided to escape. It wasn't fair that everyone else had to live with her rain again. She would go away and keep her gloomy rain to herself.

She had found a little cottage several miles outside the city limits that she could rent with no questions asked. It was just far enough away from other houses and towns that no one else was bothered by the constant downpour. No one but her.

Now that she didn't have to worry about how her sadness was affecting everyone else, Juvia didn't have a reason to try to get better. So she sat alone in her little house and cried, and the sky cried with her.

Time had a funny way of slowing down and speeding up and twisting back and forth when you didn't have a way to keep track of it, so Juvia wasn't sure how long she had been hiding in the cottage when someone finally knocked on the door. At first she thought she had imagined it—a trick of the rain and wind. No one could be there, because Gray-sama was gone. Only the rain was left.

But then the knock came again and again, rising in volume to break Juvia's solitude with a series of dull thuds.

"Juvia? I know you're in there, Juvia. Let me in."

Juvia blinked at the door owlishly, trying to wrap her head around this newest development. She staggered to her feet unsteadily and swiped her sleeve across her eyes, as if her tears could be stopped by such a simple gesture. Slowly, she moved to the door and cracked it open, peeking through the opening to see Natsu standing on the doorstep, his pink hair plastered to his head and his clothes dripping water as he stood in the rain.

"Natsu-san?" Juvia asked hesitantly, not quite able to believe her eyes. What was he doing here?

"The one and only," Natsu replied. "Are you going to let me in?"

Juvia vacillated for a moment more before pushing the door open far enough for him to enter. A flood of water immediately found the new opening and began gushing out of the cottage. She blinked at in surprise. She was so used to the rain and tears by now that she had barely noticed the rising water level inside the building. Since she hadn't ventured outside in quite some time, her flood of tears had just continued building up with nowhere to go.

Natsu cursed softly and jumped to the side of the doorway to avoid the onrush of water. Juvia glanced back at the room behind her and idly hoped that the cottage's owner wouldn't get too upset over a little water damage. She looked back at the dragon slayer.

"What is Natsu-san doing here?" she asked slowly, still trying to process what was going on. Days of grieving had left her feeling unsteady and off-kilter.

"I came to see how you were doing," Natsu answered. As the surge of water slowed to a trickle, he stepped forward again and entered the cottage, closing the door firmly behind him. Juvia backed up a few steps to give him space to enter, still watching him with a mildly bewildered expression.

"Juvia is not doing well," she said honestly. "How did Natsu-san find Juvia?"

The dragon slayer shook his head vigorously, his damp hair flopping about and spraying droplets of water everywhere. He looked down at his soaking clothes and the slowly growing puddle of water at his feet and scowled.

"Sorry, but I'm gonna dry off real fast," he said instead of answering her. Flames flared up over his entire body and then died away after a minute, leaving him dry once more. He sighed in relief and looked back at Juvia.

"How did I find you?" he repeated. "Well, it didn't take long to figure out that you left the dorms, but no one knew where you went. But then I kept hearing reports about a little patch on the outskirts of the city that has been getting nonstop rain for days even though there hasn't been a cloud in the sky. I just followed the directions and found a cabin in the middle of nowhere that's sitting right in the middle of a giant circle of constant rain."

He shrugged and glanced around. "Nice place you've got here."

"Oh," Juvia said in a small voice. "Juvia is sorry."

"Huh?" Natsu frowned slightly in confusion. "Why?"

"Juvia is sorry that she caused so much trouble and made Natsu-san search for her. And Juvia is sorry that she cannot stop the rain," she whispered, staring at the floor with downcast eyes as her tears welled up again.

"Hey, it's okay," Natsu said reassuringly, patting her on the head. "No one was mad at you. We've just been worried because you disappeared and because we know that you and Gray…" he trailed off, unsure of how to proceed.

Upon hearing her beloved's name, Juvia almost started bawling again. Silent tears ran down her face, but she kept rigid control over her crying. Normal tears were one thing, but they could all too easily turn into a flash flood if she wasn't careful.

"Juvia misses Gray-sama," she said in a low voice, wrapping her arms around herself as she rocked back and forth on her heels.

"I know, Juvia." Natsu hesitated. "But do you really think he would be happy to know that you've cut yourself off from everyone to drown yourself in sorrow because of him?"

_"Juvia, it would make me happy if you were happy, alright?"_

A fresh wave of tears sprung to Juvia's eyes as Natsu's words reminded her of something Gray-sama had said before his…death.

"No. Gray-sama said that he would be happy if Juvia was happy, and Juvia wants to make Gray-sama happy. But Juvia can't make Gray-sama happy anymore, so she can't be happy either!" she wailed, burying her face in her hands.

"God, he would hate that line of thinking," Natsu muttered after a moment, gently taking Juvia's arm and leading her to a raggedy old couch upholstered in a horribly outdated floral print. He grimaced slightly as they sat down and the sofa made an unpleasant squelching sound as water squeezed out of the sodden cushions. "So much for being dry," he said under his breath.

Juvia just curled up on the couch in a miserable ball and stared out at Natsu with big, tear-filled eyes.

"Look," he said with a sigh, "I know that you loved him, and it's okay to mourn. But you're going to have to move on eventually. You have a lot of other friends at Fairy Tail, and they're all worried about you. Your happiness shouldn't only depend on Gray; he wouldn't be pleased with that. Ever since you've joined the guild your life has mostly revolved around Gray, so of course you're hit hard by all this. But really, you're going to have to find something else to dedicate yourself to—something else to live for. Gray was an amazing person, but you shouldn't base your entire life off him. You're still your own person, you know. You're strong. It'll take some time, but you'll eventually be able to work past this, okay?"

"Gray-sama said that too," she interrupted, barely hearing Natsu's last words. "But Juvia doesn't know how, because she loves Gray-sama. Juvia wanted to have the chance to make Gray-sama happy and win him over so that he would love her too. But now she can't, because he is gone."

Juvia hiccupped painfully as she began bawling again, barely managing to rein in the waiting flood at the last moment. She hugged herself tightly and buried her face in the couch. Beside her, Natsu shifted uncomfortably. There was a pregnant pause as he internally debated what to say next.

"He loved you too," he said after a long moment of silence.

Juvia looked back up at him. His eyes were conflicted and a muscle in his jaw twitched, but she didn't need these outward signs to tell her what she already knew. She stared at him solemnly.

"No, Gray-sama did not love Juvia," she said quietly, her voice certain and firm. "Juvia knows this. Gray-sama told her this many times, but Juvia kept trying. He was kind to tolerate Juvia's unwanted advances. Juvia had hoped that Gray-sama would love her someday, but now it's too late. But it doesn't matter that Gray-sama didn't love Juvia, because Juvia still loves him."

Natsu blinked at her in surprise, clearly not expecting such a straightforward admission. He opened and closed his mouth uselessly a few times before sighing and running a hand through his hair.

"Yes and no," he said finally. "No, he didn't love you the way you wanted him to, but he still loved you as a friend. He loved you the same way he loved Erza and Cana and Lucy and everyone else in the guild. That kind of love is important too."

Juvia let out a loud sob and made to hide her face in the couch again, but Natsu's arm snaked out and hooked around her, pulling her close so that she could cry on him instead. She stiffened and hesitated for a moment, but then gave in and curled against him.

"Maybe he didn't love you romantically, but he still obviously cared about you," he continued. "He left me a letter, and he asked me to check up on you and make sure that you found a way to move on and eventually be happy without him." Natsu hesitated again, and Juvia looked up at him. Indecision was written all over his face as he seemed to consider whether or not he should add something else.

"He said…Well, he said that he felt kind of bad about not being able to love you the way you love him. I think that it bothered him that your feelings were unrequited, so he tried to make himself love you so that you would be happy. He cared about you enough to try, and when he couldn't do it, he felt bad. I mean, you really can't just force things like that, but I think he felt like he failed you because he couldn't do it."

Juvia wailed loudly and started crying even harder. "Gray-sama didn't fail Juvia!" she insisted in a broken voice. "Gray-sama made Juvia happy."

"Yeah." She could feel the dragon slayer absently rubbing comforting circles on her back as he responded in a low voice. "He made a lot of people happy. And now he's gone and made a lot of people sad. That's the thing about people, isn't it? They aren't all good or all bad. They make mistakes and they aren't perfect."

"Gray-sama was," Juvia said with a sniff.

"No, Juvia," Natsu said gently, "he wasn't."

She looked up at him, scandalized. He noticed the indignant look in her eyes and shook his head.

"Just because he's dead doesn't mean that he's suddenly a saint," he said bluntly. "I know that he could do no wrong in your eyes, and I think that that's part of the problem. He was never perfect, Juvia. He made mistakes, even mistakes that cost people their lives. There were times when he gave in to his anger and took out his pain on other people, even if he didn't necessarily mean to. He hurt other people, and he was always haunted by a grief-filled past that he couldn't outrun.

"But it's also true that he was a damn good friend. He cared so much for his friends that he would do just about anything for us. He was always the first to defend us when someone did us wrong, he always tried to find a way to stop our tears because he hated to see us cry, he would drop everything to help us if we needed it, and he never asked for anything in return. He saw through Erza's armor and tried to stop her from crying the way he had, he looked out for Cana when she got herself into trouble, he tried to make Lucy feel more confident in herself, and he even stopped your rain, didn't he?"

Natsu looked down at her with serious eyes, and Juvia found herself unable to speak.

"He wasn't perfect, but his flaws didn't stop him from being a good person and a good friend. In fact, I think they made him a better person. It's because he struggled with his own problems and failings that he was so willing to help us deal with our own. It made him more human, more relatable. Maybe that makes him even more impressive—that he was so far from perfect but we still thought of him as somehow superhuman anyway.

"Juvia, you're mourning a person who never even existed. You need to let go of your idealized version of him and see him for who he really was. That shouldn't make you mourn him any less. In fact, it might make you mourn him even more, if you can see past your fantasies and see the real man behind them. I don't doubt that you really loved—love—him, but it's okay to admit that he wasn't perfect either. He still deserves to be loved, even without that. He didn't need to be perfect to be important."

Juvia bit her lip and bowed her head. Natsu's words rang true, even if she didn't want to look at them too closely. Gray-sama had been everything to her, and because he had been everything, she had needed him to be perfect in a way that she could never be. She could reluctantly admit that she had glossed over his flaws and placed him on a pedestal that he had never wanted to stand on.

She wondered idly if this was what he had been trying to tell her when he had comforted her a few days before the battle with the demon. As Natsu had said, no one person could always make everyone happy. Juvia thought that perhaps Gray had been dancing around that point when he tried to make her understand that she should find her happiness in other places besides him. Logically, she knew this, but her heart was a different matter.

Even if Gray-sama hadn't been perfect, he had been perfect in her eyes—perfect for her. He had made her happy and chased away her rain, and in return, she had tried to give herself to him. Perhaps what he had been trying to make her realize was that she had given too much of herself to him, until she could no longer stand on her own without his help. It might have bothered him, but Juvia couldn't regret it. She would have given him even more if she could.

But now that he was gone, he had taken too much of Juvia with him, and she didn't know how to gather up what little remained. She had given him so much, and even though he had desperately tried to give it back, she hadn't been able to take it. Now it was too late.

No, Juvia didn't regret giving herself to him, but she didn't know how to live on her own now that both he and those pieces of herself were gone. They were gone, and they left only a shattered, empty shell in their wake.

"Juvia understands," she whispered miserably, "but she cannot let Gray-sama go. Juvia does not know how to live without Gray-sama."

"Well, no one ever said it would be easy," Natsu remarked, fixing her with a smoldering stare. "Do you think it's easy for Erza to let go of him and learn to live without him? Or Lucy? Or…me?" He let out a breath and shook his head. "Gray was a big part of  _all_  of our lives, and we're all going to have to figure out a new way to live that doesn't include him anymore.

"I know that it will probably be even harder for you than it is for most of us, but that doesn't mean that you should just give up. We all need to find a way to recover from this and move on with life. Do you understand, Juvia? You aren't alone. We can help each other. Fairy Tail is your family now, your  _nakama_ , and you belong with us.  _Nakama_  works together and stands together. Sitting by yourself in the rain isn't going to help you any. Come back to Fairy Tail so that we can all lean on each other and help each other."

Juvia's eyes filled with tears again. She had given most of herself to Gray-sama and kept the leftover fragments for herself, but she had also given a piece of herself to Fairy Tail. The guild had welcomed her and accepted her even after everything she had done as a member of Phantom Lord, and they had claimed her as their own. She had made friends and a new life for herself, and part of her would always belong with Fairy Tail. Fairy Tail had meant Gray, but it had also meant all the other people she had grown to love. Maybe, just maybe, she had given them enough of herself that they could help her piece herself back together again.

She looked around the dingy little cottage she had lived in for the past several days but had never been able to call home, and realized that she wouldn't miss it. It was a house, but she had never belonged in it. It could never have been home. Home was Gray-sama, and she would never be able to feel that warmth with him again. But home was also Fairy Tail, and she could still return there. It would never be the same, but it would be something.

Natsu was still watching her, and she finally met his gaze once more.

"Juvia…Juvia would like that," she whispered, tears streaming down her face.

The dragon slayer smiled at her. It wasn't a happy smile, but it was an expression of relief and sadness and gentle pride. "Good," he said, rising to his feet and stretching down his hand to her. "Let's go home."

Juvia stared at his outstretched hand for a moment before swallowing thickly and grasping it in her own. Natsu pulled her to her feet and offered her a crooked grin. It was a little hesitant and uncertain about the edges, as if he wasn't quite sure that he should be smiling at all. Juvia hesitated for a moment before forcing herself to smile back. It probably wasn't a convincing smile considering the tears still cascading down her cheeks, but it was the best she could do. A relieved look entered the dragon slayer's eyes as he saw her reaction.

"See? That's a good start. It's not gonna be easy, but all we can do now is try," he told her reassuringly.

Juvia let the false smile fade. "Yes, Juvia will try," she said simply.

It was too early to tell whether trying her best would be enough to find a way to move on, but she would try because it was what Gray-sama would have wanted, and because it was what her other friends at Fairy Tail wanted. Maybe one day she would want it too.

Natsu made his way over to the front of the cottage and opened to the door, to reveal heavy sheets of rain still falling. He grimaced faintly.

"Wait," Juvia said hurriedly.

She rushed to the small coat closet and rummaged about in it until she pulled out an umbrella. She returned to where Natsu was watching her curiously from the doorway, and handed it to him.

"Here."

He nodded his thanks and stepped outside, carefully opening the umbrella and holding it over his head. Juvia hesitated a moment more, looking back into the cottage. It hadn't been home, but part of her wanted to stay here, where she could grieve and be left alone. But no, she had said that she would go back. With a sigh, she stepped out into the rain and closed the front door.

Natsu stepped up beside her and held the umbrella up so that it protected them both from the downpour. Noticing that she hadn't moved, he stood still and gave her a questioning look.

"Maybe this is a bad idea," she said uncertainly. "Gray-sama was the only one who could stop the rain, and if Juvia goes back to Fairy Tail she will bring the rain with her. Juvia cannot make the rain stop."

She bowed her head and fixed her eyes on the swampy ground. She had left the city because of the rain in the first place, and that problem hadn't been solved. If she went back now, her gloomy rain would follow. She didn't know if it would ever stop.

Natsu chuckled a little and Juvia looked back up at him in surprise. He offered her a small smile. "We want you back, Juvia, rain or no. Besides, we can help you. We'll search for a new way to stop the rain. Together."

Juvia's eyes filled with tears once again. She didn't know if her rain would ever stop now that Gray-sama was gone. She didn't know if she could find a new way to make the rain cease. But she  _had_  promised Gray-sama that she would try. It was still too early to tell whether or not she would ever be okay again, but she would try. And she would have the rest of her friends at Fairy Tail to help her every step of the way.

So even though she wanted to curl up in a ball and cry a river, she offered Natsu a watery smile.

"Juvia would like that."

* * *

Natsu didn't believe in any kind of higher power, and even if he did, it was probably still silly to try bargaining with it. But to be honest, that didn't really matter. He didn't expect Gray to magically appear alive because of any trivial bargain Natsu tried to make, but he couldn't help himself from trying anyway.

He sat cross-legged on his bed, staring absently at the well-worn letter in his hands. In the soft morning light the creases and rumpled folds from his earlier bout of anger were almost invisible, but he could still feel them when he ran his calloused fingers over the pages. Happy slumbered on a short distance away, and Natsu stayed still and quiet so as not to disturb the Exceed. He sighed.

"Look, I'm sorry I crumpled up your letter," he said softly, keeping his voice low. He didn't want Happy to wake up and see him like this. "And I'm sorry that I almost ripped it apart the other day. I know that I was really angry and said some things I didn't mean. Or didn't  _completely_  mean, anyway. They were things I shouldn't have said, and I'm sorry.

"I don't hate you, and I do forgive you. But…" He shifted restlessly. "I followed your directions to the letter. I'm doing everything you asked, and looking after everyone else. I did what you wanted, so now you owe me. You owe me."

_I did everything you asked, so now you have to do what I ask. Come back. Come back, Gray._

Natsu closed his eyes and bent his body forward so that his forehead rested on top of his bedspread. He couldn't make himself say that out loud. It would sound silly and nonsensical spoken aloud. Even in his head it was still stupid. It's not like there was any way that something like that could actually happen. But he still wanted it to, and in the refuge of his mind, nonsensical things like that still held a glimmer of impossible hope. That fragile belief would be shattered by reality's clutches if he spoke it aloud, so he let it linger in the silence instead.

He sat in silence for several long minutes, before his emotions got the better of him again and refused to be contained any longer.

"I'd do anything, give anything," he burst out in a breathless whisper, "if only you'd come back. I'd stop calling you a perverted stripper and I wouldn't pick dumb fights with you. I wouldn't get mad when you made fun of my motion sickness and I'd let you pick any job you wanted, even if it was hours away by train. I'd be nice, I'd be good. Just…come back…"

It occurred to Natsu that taking away all those things would significantly alter the relationship he had shared with Gray, perhaps create only a hollow facsimile of their tempestuous but unbreakable bond. Maybe he would have to give up something else instead. Would he give up his magic? His life?

Natsu wasn't sure, but he had the sneaking suspicion that he would. And that wouldn't make him any better than Gray, really. He had been angry at Gray for doing the exact same thing, but the idea wouldn't let him go. He spoke the words aloud, tasting them, testing them, turning them over to study them more carefully.

"I'd trade places with you," he said slowly, his voice still barely above a whisper. "I'd die in your place if it meant that you'd come back."

That sounded like a good deal, a fair bargain. If there was any higher power out there to hear him, would it accept such a trade?

Natsu waited in silence with bated breath, only his soft breathing and pounding heartbeat breaking the stillness. After several long minutes of nothing, he let out his breath with a soft whoosh, feeling deflated and somehow disappointed. It wasn't like he had really expected to get zapped dead and have Gray returned, but a tiny flicker of irrational hope shriveled up and died anyway.

No amount of bargaining could bring back the dead.

Natsu sat up suddenly, eyes widening slightly. "But you aren't really dead, are you?" he breathed.

His fingers drummed an absent beat on his leg as he considered the circumstances of Gray's passing. Gray had used iced shell, which turned the caster's body to ice. Natsu knew that Gray had always believed that Ur was still alive in some sense of the word, even if Lyon hadn't. Sure, getting turned into ice had pretty much the same effects as death. It wasn't like Gray could move or speak or be with his friends, and Natsu didn't know if his friend retained any awareness at all.

But Gray had been caught by a spell that  _transformed_ him, not one that actually  _killed_  him. If any part of Gray was still alive in that ice, then wasn't there the slightest possibility that the spell could be reversed and he could be revived?

Natsu mulled it over, unwilling to admit that the possibility was nearly as ludicrous as raising the dead. If iced shell could be so easily reversed then Gray or Lyon would have figured it out years ago in order to save their master. Natsu didn't doubt that they had searched long and hard for a means to reverse the spell, and they had failed.

"But I could do it," he muttered defiantly. "If I hunt down all the best mages and ask them, read all the ancient books of magic I can get my hands on, then maybe I can find it." He sensed another desperate bargain coming on. "Let me find a way to reverse the spell. I won't sleep until I track down every possibility. I'll travel as far as I need to in order to find it, even by train. I'll finish fulfilling your last requests and even make up with Jii-chan like you wanted. Please…Isn't that enough?"

A heavy silence fell over the room once more, broken only by Natsu's panting breaths. Wasn't anything he could do enough? Deep down he knew that there was nothing he could do, but he didn't want to acknowledge that yet. He hadn't been able to stop Gray from using iced shell, but surely there must be something—anything—he could do now to fix the problem.

There was a slight rustling and shifting sound, and Natsu looked over to see Happy stirring. The Exceed sleepily rubbed his eyes with his paws, and then peered over at the dragon slayer blearily.

"Natsu? You're awake?"

"Yep, I'm up," Natsu replied, trying and failing to sound adequately cheerful. He surreptitiously slid the letter into his pocket. Happy would worry if he saw that Natsu was looking at it  _again_.

Happy blinked at him warily, gauging his mood. Natsu couldn't really blame him. His moods had been rather erratic lately, and it only made sense that Happy would want to know what he would have to deal with today.

"Do you want to go to the guild today?" Happy asked cautiously.

Natsu considered it. He didn't really want to, but Gray would want him to. If he did what Gray wanted, then maybe…maybe  _something_  would happen. Maybe if he went to the guild today…

He couldn't finish that thought, unsure of what exactly he was hoping for. But hoping he was. It was a small, fragile, silly hope that he knew he should really smother before it got out of hand, but he couldn't bring himself to let it go just yet.

"Yeah," he said after a moment. "Let's go to the guild."

A cautious hope flared in Happy's eyes. "Do you want to get some breakfast first?" the Exceed questioned, carefully testing the limits of Natsu's newfound cooperation.

The dragon slayer's appetite had been sporadic and unreliable the past couple weeks, and Natsu knew that it worried Happy. Natsu wasn't particularly hungry at the moment, but Gray would want him to eat like normal and stop with the erratic eating and skipped meals. Maybe if he ate…

"Sure," he said. "That sounds good."

Happy looked surprised and then pleased as he followed the dragon slayer into the kitchen. "How are you feeling today?" the little cat asked, his tone cautiously optimistic.

Natsu looked over at him and saw the tentative hope and relief slowly creeping into his eyes. Gray would want him to comfort Happy and make him feel better instead of scaring him more. Maybe if he comforted Happy…

Natsu opened his mouth to say that he was fine, before quickly amending his statement. The word 'fine' had lost much of its credibility with Happy over the past weeks.

"Alright," he said instead. "Really alright. It feels like it might be a good day."

It wasn't a complete lie. That crazy, fragile hope was building up inside him. If he just said the right things and did the right things, then maybe today would be a good day.

Pure relief washed over Happy's features. "Good. That's good."

The little Exceed made small talk as they cooked breakfast, lacing his words with hesitant jokes and humorous statements. Natsu knew that he was really just testing the waters. Small talk, and all talk, really, had been scarce since Gray's death, and humor even more so. The dragon slayer hadn't much felt like talking and he didn't particularly want to talk now. But Gray would want him to start talking again and be able to see the humor in things once more. Maybe if he talked, maybe if he laughed…

So Natsu held up his side of the conversation, even though he was only half paying attention. His real focus was on all the things he should do—all the things Gray would want him to do—during the rest of the day.

Gray would want him to take care of their friends and talk with them. He would want Natsu to laugh and smile. He would want Natsu to be okay, to be happy.

Maybe if Natsu was strong for his friends, maybe if he could smile, maybe if he could find a way to be happy again…

"Natsu?"

The dragon slayer looked back over at the little blue feline beside him. Happy's eyes had taken on a slightly worried glint again, and Natsu realized that he must have missed some key conversational cue.

"Are you okay?"

Maybe if he was okay…

Natsu smiled over at Happy. It looked like a genuine, peaceful smile, but that sereneness was only a thin layer covering what lay hidden underneath. It was a paper-thin veneer that was cracking and curling up at the edges, threatening to expose the raw grief and pain and loneliness that it was desperately trying to conceal. It was Natsu's 'maybe' smile.

Maybe if he could just hold onto some small happiness—some small hope, no matter how irrational or fragile it might be—he could escape the hopelessness and the knowledge that he had no control over his best friend's fate, regardless of what he might offer or give up.

Maybe if he could just…

Maybe if…

Maybe…

Maybe not.


	6. Cana (Guilt)

**Cana (Guilt)**

"Oi, get me another beer," Cana slurred in the bartender's general direction as she finished off yet another tankard. Glasses and bottles of all shapes and sizes littered the counter and the floor around her, and by this point she was well and truly drunk.

The bartender looked at her doubtfully. "Miss, are you sure that–?"

"Yeah," Cana interrupted, irritation creeping into her voice. "Get me another one."

The man hesitated, before shrugging and sliding another glass down the counter. He moved away to attend other customers, leaving the mage to her drink. Cana nursed her beer in silence for several minutes, long past the point of downing her alcohol in a few swallows. The next person who interrupted her reverie wasn't the bartender.

"Hey." A greasy-looking man sat down on the stool next to her and offered her a devilish smirk as he studied her with hungry eyes. "What's a pretty girl like you doing here alone? Don't worry, I'll fix that. Come with me, babe. I'll show you a good time."

He leered and winked suggestively. Cana scowled in disgust.

"Back the hell off," she growled, shaking her head a little in a vain attempt to dispel some of the fuzziness the alcohol had induced. The man's cocky grin melted into a frown for a second before returning full force.

"Don't be like that, babe," he purred, leaning forward a little to caress her arm with sticky fingers. "Let's go somewhere where you and I can be alone."

Cana yanked her arm away and continued sipping at her beer. "I'm not your babe and I'm not going anywhere with you, you disgusting pervert."

The man's smirk slipped away and he stared at her coldly, a hint of anger and irritation in his gaze. "I wasn't asking."

"Hey!" Cana cried as he grabbed her arm and yanked her upright. "Get off me!"

"No can do, princess. Pretty girl like you getting drunk in a pub like this is asking for it."

Cana spat in his face and twisted her body in a bid for freedom. Her assailant hissed in irritation and readjusted his grip. He began dragging her towards the door. Thrown off balance and still more than a little tipsy, Cana stumbled after him, almost falling on her face.

"Let go of me," she insisted angrily.

Magic. She had magic she could use to get away from him. She barely suppressed a groan as her dizziness and nausea returned, making her head spin. She really wasn't in any state to be using magic right now.

"Let her go," came a new voice, no-nonsense and tight with barely contained fury.

"Who the hell are you?" Cana's assailant asked in exasperation. "Let me be."

"Who am I? I'm the man who's going to burn you to a crisp if you don't let go of her right now."

Cana twisted back to look at Natsu, wondering groggily why the hell he was here. He was clearly furious, his countenance set in unforgiving lines and his slightly raised fist covered in dancing flames. At the sight of the fire, the man who had accosted Cana released her and took a few hurried steps backwards. The sudden lack of support made Cana stumble, her knees buckling beneath her. Natsu hastily wrapped an arm around her to stop her from falling to the floor.

"Hey, man, sorry. I didn't know she was your girl. You can have her," the man said hastily, holding his hands up in a placating gesture.

"Get out of here," Natsu said coldly.

The man didn't need to be told twice. He quickly spun on his heel and hightailed it out of there.

Natsu helped Cana back to the counter so that she could sit down again. She slid into her temporarily vacated seat gratefully, wishing that the room would stop spinning about in such a nauseating fashion.

"Hey, are you okay?"

Cana knew that she should thank him, but when she opened her mouth to respond, she found herself saying something else entirely. "What are you doing here?" she asked bluntly.

"I'm here to take you home," Natsu said after a moment, raising an eyebrow at the less than warm welcome as he sat down next to her.

"No," she replied immediately, her mouth running ahead of her brain. "It's not supposed to be you. I can't leave yet."

There was a brief moment of tense silence as Natsu stared at her with slightly narrowed eyes. "Sorry to disappoint," he said flatly, clearly bewildered and slightly hurt by her attitude. "What are you waiting for?"

Cana blinked at him uncomprehendingly for a few seconds. What was she waiting for? She felt a queasy expression settle over her features as the answer came to her.

"Gray," she blurted out before she could stop herself.

An unbearably anguished look flickered in Natsu's eyes for a moment before vanishing. He took a deep breath, as if steeling himself. "You'll be waiting a long time then. You know–"

"Stop!" Cana interrupted, her voice almost a shout. Panic flooded through her. "Don't you say it! Don't you dare say it! I worked hard to get myself this drunk—let me get my money's worth. Don't you dare come waltzing in here just to shove reality in my face again."

Natsu recoiled, his eyes widening a fraction as he stared at her with a conflicted expression. Cana found herself panting slightly from her outburst of anger and fear. The two mages stared at each other in a silence heavy with tension and disbelief.

"I'm sorry, Cana, but you can't keep doing this to yourself," Natsu said hesitantly after a moment, eyeing her warily like she might explode at any second.

"Go away," she hissed back. Part of her felt guilty for snapping at him when he was only trying to help, but the rest of her was too drunk and miserable to care. She didn't want to hear what he had to say. "Gray is the one who is supposed to come get me."

Natsu gazed at her in silence for a long minute before sighing and pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Gray couldn't make it tonight," he said, fighting to keep his voice soothing and reassuring. Cana narrowed her eyes at his sudden change of tactics. "He sent me to get you in his place."

Cana couldn't stand it any longer. Whatever game they were playing, whatever issue they were dancing around, she couldn't stand it.

"Don't lie to me!" she yelled. "Gray is dead! He's dead."

Natsu leaned back in surprise again, clearly startled that she had made her way back to reality. Well, this silly game of theirs had forced her to face the facts, and Cana hated him for it. She had come here to lose herself for the night, to forget about everything that had happened. And then Natsu had come waltzing in, and even his very presence had begun forcing her to leave behind her drunken haven and come face-to-face with a reality she didn't want any part in. It shouldn't have been Natsu who had saved her from that creep. Gray had saved her many times before and he should still be taking care of her now. It should be Gray. Cana hated Natsu for that too.

"Yeah, he is," the dragon slayer said finally, his voice unbearably weary. He looked at her with tired eyes. "But I didn't lie to you."

"You had to have," Cana countered angrily. "He's gone."

"Yes, but he  _did_ send me to get you."

Cana stared at him blankly, her drink-addled brain trying to sort out his words. Gray had sent him? A tiny spark of hope made her spirits lift momentarily, but then it flickered out and her heart sank once more. No, it couldn't be because Gray was somehow still alive. They had both admitted that he was dead.

"How?" she demanded.

"Look, if you come with me and let me take you home, I'll tell you. Deal?"

Natsu studied her face, searching out her reaction to his proposal. Cana had the vague notion that he was acting as if he was trying to coax an injured, unpredictable animal. Perhaps that wasn't far from the truth. She kept her features carefully neutral as she considered the offer. The fuzziness in her brain made it difficult to think about his words in a clear fashion, but she tried anyway. Unfortunately, she couldn't shepherd her thoughts well enough to come up with a clear course of action. Just as she was about to give up, a quiet wisp of memory seemed to whisper in her head.

_"Cana, you need to stop running away."_

She let out a breath. Gray.

"Fine," she said flatly, unsure of how long she had left Natsu waiting for a response. Surprise spread across the dragon slayer's face and he blinked at her in mild shock. She didn't know why he had that stupid expression on his face. Maybe he hadn't been expecting her to acquiesce so easily.

"Good," he said in relief, recovering quickly. "Let's go."

Cana hummed in acknowledgement and stood slowly, resting her hands on the top of the counter to support her weight and keep her from toppling over. Turning slightly, she found Natsu chewing on his lip as he considered how best to help her. She scowled in irritation. Gray would already know. Gray had taken her home many times before, and he knew exactly what to do and how to do it.

With an exasperated huff, she grabbed one of Natsu's arms and settled it around her waist. Then she slid one of her arms around his neck and looked up at him.

"Oh. Yeah. Let's go," he mumbled.

The two walked out of the bar unsteadily, stumbling occasionally as Natsu got used to supporting Cana. His ineptness annoyed her. Gray had known how to support her and walk with her. He wouldn't be stumbling around like a drunk right now.

"Well?" she asked finally as they turned a corner. A chilly breeze swirled around her and she shivered a little. Natsu didn't seem to notice, and Cana wasn't about to ask for his help. She idly wished that she had Gray's coat with her—the one he had left behind at her apartment

A sigh from beside her pulled her out of her hazy thoughts.

"How much of this are you going to remember when you're sober?" Natsu questioned.

Cana snorted. Gray would have known. He had always seemed to have a feeling for which things she'd remember and which she wouldn't. Experience, perhaps. He had dealt with her drunkenness for years.

"Most of it," she answered sharply. She had a high enough tolerance for alcohol that she usually suffered little real memory impairment, even when she got wasted. "But then again, who knows when I'll actually be sober again?"

It's not like she had any real incentives to stay sober right now. She was rarely sober at the best of times, and when bad times came, she was just as likely to end up completely hammered.

"Well, that's a problem too," Natsu muttered.

She glared over at him blearily with clouded vision. After a second her vision cleared a little and she realized that she had been glowering at a spot off to the left of his nose. She quickly shifted her glare so that she met his gaze, and her irritation was increased by the fact that she had been looking in the wrong place. She opened her mouth to snap back, but he hurriedly continued on to forestall her.

"He left me a letter," the dragon slayer said flatly. Cana felt the fight drain out of her. "Well, he technically left it with Jii-chan, who gave it to me after…you know. Part of that letter asked me to look out for some people, and you were one of them."

Cana stopped short without even realizing it, and stared blankly at the cobblestones in front of her.

"Cana?"

She looked back over at Natsu. They had stopped within a pale circle of light cast by a nearby streetlamp, and the flickering glow illuminated Natsu's face so that she could see the concern in his eyes. She let out a breath and started hobbling forward again, grimacing as Natsu missed a step before following along beside her. She fixed her gaze on the ground again.

"Even when he's dead he's still trying to look after me," she muttered. "Damn, I caused him a lot of trouble."

There was a pause before Natsu spoke again. "I don't think that taking care of you bothered him. Knowing him, he would have just been unhappy at what you were doing to yourself, not unhappy because he felt like he had to look after you." He hesitated for a moment. "But you see, I wasn't lying back there. Sure he can't be here now, but he charged me with taking on his job of seeking you out and taking you home when you get yourself into these situations.

"You know," he added after a second, "I kind of feel like a jerk now."

"Why?" Cana asked, blinking up at him. Surely he should think that  _she_  was the jerk instead of the other way around. She had, after all, been rather rude and ungrateful towards him tonight. He must have the patience of a saint to deal with her right now.

He sighed. "Because even after all these years, I never realized that you did this. I mean, you drink all the time and that's just part of who you are. You might be tipsy most of the time, but I've rarely seen you completely wasted like this. And then I find out that you've been doing this for a long time—this going out and getting drunk in shady bars when you're hurting or don't want to deal with reality. All this time Gray has been looking after you, but I never even realized this was happening at all. I've known you since we were kids. I should have figured out that this was going on."

They stumbled along in silence, Cana's head reeling as she attempted to piece together what Natsu was trying to say. They slowly worked their way down several streets, and were almost to Cana's apartment by the time she responded.

"He knew me even longer than you did," she mumbled, wincing a little at how insensitive she sounded. "Not that…Ugh." She broke off and shook her head to try clearing it, looking for a way to get her words out that would actually convey her meaning instead of just sounding like a string of angry gibberish.

"Look, I never asked him to do this," she said after a moment's hesitation. "He figured it out on his own and became my self-appointed protector. I dunno how he did it, but he as long as he was in town, he almost always seemed to know when I got wasted and he would always figure out how to find me. If I had wanted you to know about this, I would have told you. There's no point feeling bad about it. Not that many people ever figured it out, and I preferred it that way."

"Yeah, I just…" Natsu let out another breath and then hurriedly steadied her as she almost tripped over a stone she hadn't noticed in her path. "Well, I didn't know then, but I know now. And Gray asked me to keep an eye on you and fetch you when you get like this, so I'm going to do it from now on. I'm sorry that I'm not him, but I'm all that's left now. I'll do it for him and for you."

For the first time since Natsu had arrived, Cana felt moisture pricking at the corners of her eyes. She quickly blinked back any tears that threatened to fall.

"Thanks, Natsu," she said quietly. His head turned towards her sharply and he blinked at her in surprise. Perhaps he was shocked that she wasn't attacking him like she had been ever since he arrived. "But…You aren't the one who should be feeling bad. I'm the one who's screwing up again."

Her gaze turned unfocused again and she let herself lean more heavily against the dragon slayer. Natsu staggered a little under her weight, but quickly adjusted.

"He always hated it when I did this. A few days before he died, he told me that I needed to face reality and stop getting drunk as a means of running away from my problems. He asked me not to, and the first thing I did when he died was to go out and get wasted. And that's pretty much all I've done in the weeks since. How screwed up is that? You shouldn't have to take over his job of keeping an eye on me—I shouldn't even be doing this anyway."

"Cana," Natsu said gently, "I think that he understood. I'm not even going to pretend that I understand exactly why you do this or what goes through your head, but I imagine that he  _did_ understand. I'm sure he would have wanted you to stop this because it's bad for you and potentially dangerous, but I also suspect that he wouldn't blame you for turning to alcohol after his death if that's the only way you know how to cope with your problems. He wouldn't expect you to be able to stop right away, and I don't think that he would be ashamed of you either. Maybe he would be disappointed if you didn't eventually get this under control, but he cared about you too much to be ashamed."

Cana's lip trembled a little and she fought back tears again. When she had come to the bar tonight, she had known that she was making a mistake. She had known that Gray wouldn't like it and she had known that she should be following his wishes. After all, he had done so much for her, and this was the least she could do in return. But despite those resolutions, Gray had still been gone, and the desire to forget about that fact had been more powerful than her good intentions.

Even in her inebriated state, she had the vague awareness of another reason she had been barhopping for weeks. She and Gray had drifted apart a little with the years. They had still talked and hung out in the guild together sometimes, but they hadn't been as close. They had most often met and interacted when Cana got wasted in some sleazy bar and Gray came to rescue her and take her home. Part of her still hoped that if she kept putting herself in these situations, he would eventually realize what she was doing and come to get her. It was silly, but she had had to come to that realization when Natsu had asked what she was waiting for. It was true—she was waiting for Gray.

Waiting, however irrational, was one thing, but what she was doing…it was quite another. Perhaps waiting wasn't worth it if it made her do all the things Gray had wanted her to stop.

"I want to stop," she whispered, leaning her head against Natsu's shoulder as they stumbled up the stairs of her building. "I need to stop, but I don't know how. It's going to be so hard, and I don't know if I can do it."

The arm about her waist tightened around her slightly in a reassuring gesture. Natsu used his free hand to push open the doors of the building, and then looked down to give her a sad smile.

"I know you can do it. And until you do, I'll be here to help you."

Cana sniffed and nodded. "Thank you," she said softly.

"It's not a problem," he replied. "I don't mind doing it for a friend."

Cana wondered if the friend he was referring to was her or Gray. He must have read the unspoken question in her eyes, because he smiled reassuringly.

"For both of you."

Cana's eyes filled with tears again, and she leaned against Natsu heavily as she rummaged through her purse for her keys, hoping to disguise her distress. If Natsu noticed, he didn't say anything.

She finally found the key and tried to fit it into the lock on her apartment door with shaking fingers. Her movements were still sluggish and uncoordinated from the alcohol, and it took her several tries before the key finally slid into the lock. When the door eventually swung open, she let go of Natsu so that she could step inside.

Finding a place to lean against the doorframe, she turned back to look at Natsu. He offered her a half-smile. "If you need any help, you can always come to me. You don't have to try to handle everything by yourself."

Cana stared at him blearily for a moment before nodding. "Okay. 'Night, Natsu."

"Goodnight," he replied.

"Sorry for being so rude earlier," she added as an afterthought. She shut the door in his face before he could respond.

She turned around to face the interior of her darkened apartment. Gray's white coat was thrown over the arm of a nearby chair, and she staggered over to pick it up and feel the heavy fabric in her hands. She bowed her head and hugged the abandoned jacked to her chest, as if she could still feel Gray through this one last physical connection she had to him.

She wasn't sure how long she stood there before she remembered what Gray's parting instructions had always been:  _"don't forget to lock the door behind me"_. She had already disappointed him once tonight; it wouldn't do to disappoint him on this count too. The coat dragged on the floor behind her as she let go of it except for her grip on one of the sleeves, and she made her way back to the door unsteadily.

She locked the door with trembling fingers, but didn't move to head to her bed. Instead, she stood silently in front of it, staring blankly at the wooden surface. She was waiting. After several long minutes, she gave in to the inevitable and let herself sink to the floor, her forehead resting against the cool wooden surface.

There hadn't been any footsteps retreating down the hallway after she had slid the bolt into place. There hadn't been any footsteps because Natsu had left as soon as she had shut the door. There hadn't been any footsteps because Gray was gone.

There was something heavy and final about the silence.

All these weeks, Cana had been waiting for Gray. When she got drunk in a bar and he didn't come, she could unconsciously play it off that he just hadn't known what was happening that night. But now that Natsu had come in his place…It forced her to acknowledge that Gray was gone for good. If he just hadn't shown, he might have been busy. If he had sent someone else in his place, he was dead. Perhaps she hadn't realized that that had been her unconscious reasoning, but she could see it now.

Natsu's presence and the lack of footsteps…they were a heavy dose of reality, a final death knell to her denial. This reality wasn't something she could just drink away. Gray had been right—it was about time she stopped running.

So Cana pressed her forehead into the door hard enough to leave a mark, clutched the ownerless coat to her chest, and finally let herself cry.

* * *

"It's all my fault."

Natsu was sitting with his back against one of his bedroom walls, a blanket wrapped tightly around him. As a fire mage he didn't really need it for warmth, so it must have been more for comfort than anything else. Happy was sitting a short distance in front of him with large, worried eyes.

"It's not your fault, Natsu," the Exceed insisted. "You did everything you could. Everyone tried to stop it, but even combined we couldn't do anything."

Natsu sighed wearily and shook his head, curling into himself some more. "This isn't about everyone," he said flatly. "'Everyone' didn't know the same things I did. You don't understand. He talked to me before the battle, and he pretty much told me exactly what he was planning to do. I was just too  _stupid_  to realize it. I was the one who knew there was something wrong. I knew that something was bothering him, but I let the issue go because I thought he would figure it out on his own. Damn it, we even talked about backup plans and iced shell. I should have  _known_."

Natsu's hands curled into fists, but his anger wasn't directed at Gray anymore. It was directed towards himself.

"Gray talked to everyone before the battle," Happy reasoned. "No one else realized what was wrong either."

"Yeah, but he mostly talked to them about themselves," Natsu shot back. "He comforted them and gave them advice. When he talked to me…" He trailed off and hugged himself tightly. "I was the one comforting him. We talked about him, about his thoughts and feelings. He didn't tell the others things that would have—or should have—worried them, but I was damn worried about him when we ended that conversation. I was the only one who knew that something was wrong, and I still couldn't help him."

Happy stared at him sadly as he tried to come up with a rebuttal. "Well, everyone else seemed to realize that there was something a little off about him," he said finally. "Most of them said that he had been acting a little oddly, that he was more open or sentimental than usual."

"That's not the same," Natsu said with a shake of his head. "You could brush that off as a one-time thing. Are you really going to get worried if a friend seems a little more sentimental than usual? That's not a dead giveaway. But when he talked to me…Well, there was no mistaking that he was upset. The things he was saying…It was clear that something was wrong." He looked at Happy with haunted eyes. "He cried, Happy. He  _cried_."

The Exceed recoiled in surprise, and then an even more melancholy expression settled over his features. Natsu realized that he had never told anyone quite how upset Gray had been that night. He hadn't told them that Gray had cried. He didn't really want them to know about that.

"Natsu–" Happy started, but now that Natsu had begun talking, he couldn't seem to make himself stop.

"I was the one who knew that he was feeling useless and like he didn't belong. I was the one who knew that he felt like his only real purpose on the team was to be some kind of stupid backup plan. He even told me that he thought his role was to 'ice over' whoever we couldn't beat.  _'Ice over'._ I knew that he was talking about iced shell. I knew it and I told him he was being an idiot. But if I knew, then why didn't I realize what he was planning? Why couldn't I stop him?"

Natsu shuddered and tried to curl into himself even more, although he was already in as tight a ball as he could manage. Tears began to well in his eyes and slowly drip down his cheeks.

"I tried to make him see how much we cared about him and how important he was to our team. I tried to make him understand how much we needed him and wanted him. I thought I got through to him, I really did. So I let it go so that he could finish working the rest of it out by himself. But…I thought he knew better than to give up. I told him not to give up. I–I told him so much to try to get through to him. Why?" he asked, his voice breaking as his entire body trembled with the force of the silent sobs he was making a futile effort to contain. "Why wasn't it enough?"

"Natsu…" Happy scooted forward and climbed up the mound of blankets encasing his friend so that he could perch at the dragon slayer's eye level. He dug through the fabric until he found Natsu's body, and hugged his friend fiercely. "I'm sure you helped him," he whispered, his own eyes filling with tears. "It sounds like you at least helped him feel better."

"But it still wasn't enough," Natsu said brokenly, his own arms fighting through the blankets to wrap around Happy's small form. "I should have done more. I should have kept reassuring him and talking to him. I should have made him tell me what stirred up such feelings. Maybe there was something I could have said that would have made him reconsider such a stupid plan. I should have–I should have done  _more_."

"You did what you could," Happy murmured soothingly, although his voice wavered. "Besides, do you really think that there's anything you could have said that would have made him abandon the plan? Gray had his reasons for using iced shell, and he wouldn't have been easily swayed. You know how stubborn he was."

"I know," Natsu whispered. "I know, but…there must have been  _something_  I could have done. And even if I couldn't have persuaded him not to use that damn spell, I should have realized what he was planning so that I could have stopped him. And even if I couldn't have done that…" He squeezed Happy tighter. "I should have been able to break through that stupid ice wall and stop him. I've beaten impossibly powerful opponents on so many occasions. I've saved Lucy and Erza and the others so many times. But I couldn't break down a stupid ice wall? I couldn't save Gray. I couldn't…"

Natsu broke off as his tears choked off his voice. He rocked back and forth as he cried uncontrollably. For a few long moments, only the sound of his sobs filled the silence.

"None of the others could break down the wall either," Happy said finally, his voice tired and sad. "You did what you could. You were almost out of magic, and no one else was any better off. There's nothing you could have done. You tried so hard. It's not your fault that you didn't have enough magic left to break the wall down."

"But I should have…I should have…" Natsu couldn't seem to finish his thought, his eyes squeezed shut as the tears continued to stream down his face. Happy nuzzled him soothingly, his blue fur soaked by both his and Natsu's tears.

"Gray made his choice, Natsu. He knew the stakes and he knew the costs. He chose to do it anyway. You can't keep blaming yourself for something he did. Do you think he would want you to do that? He'd just tell you that you're stupid for trying to take credit for his own actions. He would take responsibility for what he's done. Gray did what he thought he had to do. You couldn't have stopped him."

Happy hid his own face in the blankets so that Natsu couldn't see his tears, but the quiver in his voice was unmistakable.

"I'm sorry," Natsu breathed softly. "I know that you miss him too, and I've been worrying you and taking out my own grief on you."

He felt the little cat's body tremble in his arms. "It's okay," Happy said, his voice muffled by the fabric. "I understand."

"But it's  _not_  okay," the dragon slayer insisted, feeling guilt and remorse stabbing at his heart once more. "I know that I've hurt you and worried you. And…God, I was a jerk. I was a jerk to Gray too. I almost tore up his letter and I blamed him for a lot of horrible things. I said–I said I  _hated_ him." Natsu's voice broke. "I said…I almost said that–that I would never forgive him."

His grip on Happy tightened again. "I'm sorry!" he wailed. "I'm so, so sorry…"

He felt wetness seeping through his shirt and realized that Happy was sobbing as well.

"I miss him," the Exceed said, his voice trembling. "I miss him, but I miss you too. You can't–you can't keep blaming yourself for things. You need to let it go. You need to let him go."

"I can't," Natsu moaned. "He was my best friend. I was supposed to have his back. That's how we worked. He looked out for me and I looked out for him. But now…now I failed. I couldn't see what was wrong until it was too late. I couldn't save him. It was my job, and I  _failed_. I don't know–I don't know how to forgive myself for that."

Happy finally looked up at him, the fur on his face matted with drying tears and his eyes still filled with moisture. "You have to forgive yourself because it's not your fault, and because Gray would want you to. We all feel bad that we couldn't stop him. All of us feel a little guilty about something. But in the end…we did everything— _everything_ —that we could. It wasn't enough, and we have to live with that.

"We have to live with that because we didn't die facing that demon, because  _Gray_  saved  _us_. He wanted us to live, and I'm sure he would have felt terribly guilty if he knew there was a way to save us and he didn't take advantage of it. But…you have to realize that in not saving Gray, you saved everyone else. If you had stopped Gray, then maybe everything would have worked out alright. But it's just as likely, if not more likely, that the demon would have just killed us all, and then Gray would be dead anyway, along with the rest of us.

"I'm not saying that that should make you feel any better, but…Even if you  _did_ somehow fail Gray, he didn't fail  _us_. And now you have to keep on living so that you don't fail everyone else. Gray isn't here to save us next time—it's going to be your job again. Do what you always do when you lose someone: take a little time to mourn, get stronger, and protect whoever is left. All of this guilt is weighing you down and preventing you from really  _living_. Gray cared about you too much to want to see you doing this to yourself.

" _I_ care too much. We still need you, Natsu."

Natsu stared at Happy speechlessly for a long minute, surprised to hear the Exceed deliver such a long speech. He couldn't stop the tears from falling, but he tried to give his friend a small, watery smile.

"I need you too," he whispered.

_And I need him._

"I know," Happy murmured softly. "I know."

They didn't speak any longer, but sat huddled up with each other for comfort. Despite Happy's reassurances, Natsu couldn't let go of the crushing regret. It seared through his veins, gnawed at his bones, and ate deep holes into his soul. He couldn't let it go. He couldn't let  _Gray_  go. He let out a shuddering breath.

He should have done  _something_ —something more to have saved Gray. The guilt hurt worse than the anger, worse than the sadness and emptiness, because it made everything that had happened his fault, and because he knew that it would never leave him. He could hope that one day the guilt would recede a little, that he could accept that Gray's choice hadn't been his fault, but he knew that it would never completely disappear. Some part of Natsu would always blame himself for Gray's death.

And although the dragon slayer had been able to forgive Gray, he still had no idea how to forgive himself.


	7. Makarov (Depression)

**Makarov (Depression)**

Makarov was considering retreating to his office again. He had been sitting out in the guild hall with his brats for a good portion of the day, but it was rather depressing. The guild wasn't quite as silent and numb as it had been immediately after Gray's death, of course. Things were slowly starting to get back some semblance of normalcy—people were talking and going on jobs and sometimes even laughing—but there was still a shadow hanging over the guild that everyone was too afraid to acknowledge. Even after all these months, something still felt off.

That feeling of wrongness bothered Makarov even more than the blame and anger his brats had directed towards him after they found out that he had played a key role in Gray's demise. He could accept the fury and blame because he knew that they were justified, even if they had gradually begun to fade away over time. The other guild members had grudgingly come to understand his motivations and had begun to forgive him as they realized that he was hurting and remorseful as well. There were still a few that held on to that feeling of betrayal and anger, but Makarov couldn't blame them for it. He still felt that way towards himself most of the time.

No, it wasn't the wrath of his guild that bothered him. It was that knowledge that nothing would ever be quite the same again. Even as people began picking up where they left off in their daily lives, even as the guild began recovering and settling back into equilibrium, things were different. There were no more impromptu brawls or thrown insults raging across the guild hall between Gray and Natsu. There were no more teasing reminders for Gray to look down and find his clothes again. There was a hole, a Gray-sized hole, in the guild now, and Makarov knew it was his fault that it was there.

Things were different now, even if everyone tried to pretend that they weren't. Gray's absence and the knowledge of his death were terrible enough, and the underlying grief hidden beneath everyone's smiles was heartbreaking. Everyone was pretending as if everything was normal, but that undercurrent of misery was still there, as well as a simmering resentment and anger. Those were directed at him, of course. He wasn't sure that his brats would ever quite trust him again. In their place, he would probably feel the same.

He had considered stepping down as guildmaster, but he hadn't been able to do it. It wasn't only because Gray had asked him to take care of Fairy Tail, but also because he knew that the guild couldn't survive another major upheaval right now. He might be a traitorous guildmaster, but he was still the only guildmaster Fairy Tail had. He couldn't walk away and watch them implode—he had already hurt them enough. So Makarov had stayed and tried to help in any way he could, but he was apprehensive of the future.

Most of the overt hostility had died down—although he could still catch glimpses of it now and then and occasionally someone would snap and verbally attack him again—but the sense of mistrust and resentment still lingered. The guild members had distanced themselves from him, and Makarov wasn't sure how he could get them back. He wasn't sure he deserved to get them back.

He was pleased that the rest of the guild members were starting to recover, but he couldn't quite let go of the fact that he had completely failed one of them in a most terrible and permanent way. He hadn't only failed to protect Gray, but he had sacrificed him as well. He couldn't regret that the rest of his children had been saved because of the backup plan he had crafted, but he still felt horrible about what he had asked Gray to do. And it seemed that in losing one brat, he had lost them all.

He let out a breath and slid off the bench. It was all too much for him at the moment. He couldn't sit here and watch his brats right now, because all he could see was the one that was missing.

"Jii-chan?"

Makarov spun around, startled, and found himself face-to-face with Natsu. He immediately felt his heart sink as he stared at the dragon slayer's unreadable expression. In some ways Natsu had seemed to recover more quickly than the other guild members, and Makarov had heard rumors that he had even been feeling well enough to seek out and comfort those who were hardest hit by Gray's death.

But Natsu had never even come close to forgiving Makarov, and it hurt the master a little, even if he understood it. The dragon slayer had never come straight out and accused Makarov of anything, but he had barely spoken a handful of words to him since the battle. His angry glares had gradually subsided to impassive stares, but Makarov wasn't sure that that was much of an improvement. Despite all the fighting Natsu and Gray had done, Makarov knew that they had been best friends, and the dragon slayer couldn't understand how anyone could have asked his friend to sacrifice himself.

"Can I–can I do something for you, Natsu?" Fairy Tail's master asked hesitantly, unsure of what he was getting himself into.

He had missed Natsu terribly and was aching to finally talk to him again, but he was also afraid of what the dragon slayer would have to say. Natsu hadn't seen the need to initiate contact with him in the months since Gray's death, and Makarov was at a loss as to why he wanted to talk now.

"I need to talk to you."

Makarov studied Natsu's face and analyzed his voice to look for any clues as to what the dragon slayer was thinking, but everything about Natsu was carefully controlled and unreadable. Natsu's tone was flat and disinterested, and his eyes were kept steady and hooded. Makarov had no idea what was going through the dragon slayer's mind and it worried him, especially because this wasn't very Natsu-like behavior.

He cleared his throat nervously. "Okay. Let's go to my office," he suggested, his voice rising slightly at the end of his statement to make it sound like more of an uncertain question.

Natsu just nodded, his face still expressionless, and silently followed Makarov up the stairs and into his office. Makarov closed the door behind them with a quiet click and sat down behind his desk, gesturing for the dragon slayer to pull up a chair. Natsu did so, sitting and staring Makarov down with that frighteningly incomprehensible expression.

There were a few tense moments of heavy silence before Makarov swallowed nervously again. "What did you want to say, Natsu?"

The dragon slayer remained silent for a moment longer before exhaling loudly and leaning back in the chair. His cool gaze locked onto Makarov's face.

"I'm still mad," he said finally, his voice cold.

Makarov bowed his head. "You have every right to be," he murmured softly.

"I do," Natsu confirmed flatly. "I understand your reasoning and motivation. I understand that Gray would have been an idiot and used that spell whether or not you asked him to. I understand that this isn't all your fault. And yet…" He shook his head and looked away, his eyes narrowed. "I'm still mad."

Makarov's heart twisted at the words, and he winced slightly. "I'm sorry, Natsu."

"I don't want your apologies," Natsu said harshly. "They don't do me any good. They don't do Gray any good."

Makarov let out a shaky breath, pain stabbing at his heart. He knew that his apologies weren't enough, but they were all he had left to offer now.

"But I'm not here to yell at you or blame you now," the dragon slayer continued, before Makarov could come up with something else to say.

Fairy Tail's master looked up in surprise and peered at Natsu with questioning eyes. "Why  _are_ you here?" he asked quietly.

Natsu didn't respond immediately. He absently tapped his fingers in a steady rhythm on his leg, and frowned at the desk with a thoughtful and troubled expression. Finally, he glanced at Makarov again.

"I was talking to Happy a few days ago," he said eventually, the corners of his lips twitching downwards at some unpleasant memory. "One of the things he said was 'All of us feel a little guilty about something'. It made me think, and I came to the conclusion that that statement probably applies to you even more than anyone else, doesn't it?"

Makarov felt his breath catch as he stared at Natsu with wide eyes. "Yeah…I guess it does," he said after a moment, his fingers curling convulsively into fists.

Natsu watched him impassively for a few seconds longer before finally sighing and running a hand through his hair. His guardedness seemed to melt away a little, and although Makarov still found his expression difficult to decipher, he could sense a weariness and sadness behind it.

"To be honest, that alone probably wouldn't have been enough to convince me to come speak to you. But…this is something that I've been putting off for a long time."

Makarov blinked in confusion. "What do you mean?" he asked, puzzled.

"I mean that letter you gave me from Gray asked me to do a few things."

Makarov's eyes widened again. He glanced guiltily down at one of his desk drawers, resolving to take care of the other issue at hand as soon as Natsu left. Then he turned his attention back to the dragon slayer, his heart in his throat as he waited to hear what Gray had asked his friend to do for him.

"He asked me to check up on a few people, to talk to them and make sure that they were doing alright. I've already talked to all but one." Natsu fixed Makarov with a steady gaze. "This is the last step. I put off talking to you until the very end because I knew I wasn't ready to have any sort of understanding conversation with you. But I've talked to everyone else, so it's time that I finish this."

The master's eyes slowly filled with tears, and for a moment he couldn't make himself speak. "He–He asked you to…talk to me?" he finally managed to choke out.

Natsu nodded in confirmation. "He said he was worried about how guilty you would feel if he…died. What was it he said?" Natsu's lips twitched upwards in a bitter imitation of a smile, and he seemed to recite the next words from memory. "He said that he didn't want you to 'drown yourself in guilt', because he didn't think that you should 'have to do that because of him'." Natsu scowled at the floor. "And he asked me to forgive you. I'm still working on that part."

He paused again and frowned slightly, his bitterness suddenly melting away into a tired resignation. "Or…I guess I've almost forgiven you," he said slowly, seeming to test the words as he said them. "I've forgiven you, but I still don't know what to think of you, because the Jii-chan I thought I knew could never have done something like that. I just…I don't know. I guess I still need some more time to work out what I feel about you now."

Makarov folded his hands in his lap and studied them carefully so that he didn't have to meet Natsu's gaze. "That's understandable. It's a choice that I couldn't have made under normal circumstances, and it is something that I will have to come to terms with as well. But…thank you. For at least trying to forgive me."

The dragon slayer snorted softly. "Yeah, well. You're still Jii-chan. I can't overlook what you did to Gray, but I can't ignore all the good things you've done for us before this mess either. I suppose I have to take the good with the bad, even if I don't really want to. But regardless, it isn't my forgiveness that you need, is it?"

The older mage glanced up before he could help himself, and found himself staring directly into Natsu's smoldering eyes.

"It's yours."

Makarov let out a shaky breath. Yes, it was his own forgiveness that he needed above all else, because even after all these months, he still hadn't been able to come to terms with what he had been forced to do. He was a little surprised that Natsu had picked up on that though. Between Gray's steady determination to do whatever was best for the guild regardless of the cost to himself and Natsu's sudden maturity…Makarov wondered when his brats had grown up.

"Perhaps," he said finally. "But having your forgiveness still means a lot."

"Well, it's what Gray wanted too, anyway. He was very concerned about how you would deal with the aftermath. That's why he wanted me to talk to you. But in order to have a genuine conversation with you that might help you let go of some of your guilt, I had to find a way to forgive you first. It wouldn't work otherwise, would it?

"So I've been working on it these past weeks, and I didn't come to you until I was in a better place with…all this. I can't quite let go of everything yet and I'm still angry, but I'm trying. And even though I don't agree with what you did to Gray, I can at least accept your reasoning. So. I'm here to tell you that I can't hate you anymore. I have to forgive you because you're still Jii-chan, and I know that what happened isn't entirely your fault. I don't…I don't really blame you anymore. Not for everything, anyway. And I know that Gray didn't blame you either, and he didn't want you to keep blaming yourself and feeling guilty about everything."

Makarov felt a solitary tear slide down one wizened cheek and he hurriedly brushed it away. "Thank you, Natsu. I know that this isn't easy for you either. And…I really am sorry about how things turned out. Gray deserved better than that. If there had been any other way…I promise that I considered every possible solution I could think of and did everything in my power to prevent us from needing to rely on that damn backup plan, but it wasn't enough. My plan may have saved Fairy Tail, but I am well aware that I had to sacrifice one of my children to do that. I didn't make that decision lightly. I should have been able to protect you all, including Gray. I failed, and I failed Gray. I'm sorry for that."

Natsu's gaze drifted away again, and he played with the sleeve of his shirt absently. "Gray wouldn't want you to think like that," he said quietly. "Like I said, he didn't want you to blame yourself."

Makarov sighed heavily. "I know." He hesitated a moment before forging on. "He came to talk to me the day before we fought the demon. He told me pretty much the same thing. He didn't want me to blame myself because iced shell was something he would do regardless of whether or not I asked him to, if he thought it was necessary. Mind you, he understood that that guilt wouldn't be easy to let go of because he had his own past that he had trouble forgiving himself for, and perhaps that is why he still felt it prudent to ask you to check up on me."

He stared sightlessly at the desk in front of him, recalling that last conversation with the ice mage. Gray had also warned him that he couldn't fall apart because of the guilt he would bear, because he would still need to help rebuild Fairy Tail after the catastrophe. His eyes filled with tears as he remembered how Gray had told him about how much he and Fairy Tail had helped him move on with his life after he faced personal crises of his own. Gray had seemed so grateful, and Makarov had repaid that gratitude by bringing about his death.

"He seemed…Well, he seemed very calm and collected. He wasn't upset or angry or scared, and I remember wondering how he could be so… _ready_. He seemed so okay with it, you know? Even when I first asked him about the backup plan, he didn't seem bothered. But…"

A few more tears dripped silently down his face and his voice faltered. "But when he was casting iced shell and you were trying to break down his wall…Well, all those things you were saying about that conversation you had with him…It sounded like he was a lot more upset than he ever let on to me, and I can't believe that I didn't notice. I can't believe that I put him through that. And looking back, I have to wonder if he was really so calm the last time we talked, or if he was just hiding how unhappy he was for my sake. It's bad enough knowing that I asked him to die when he was okay with it, but knowing that he was so much more unhappy than I thought…"

Makarov trailed off and bowed his head again, his tears coming even harder and faster. Listening to Natsu trying to convince Gray not to go through with iced shell had been one of the most devastating things he had ever experienced. Just hearing the things that Gray had told Natsu, hearing how upset and desolate the ice mage had been…

It made Makarov's heart break just thinking about how much pain he had brought Gray. He hadn't only brought about the ice mage's death, but he had also caused him unimaginable emotional anguish. He didn't know what Gray's state of mind had been in the days leading up to his death, considering that the ice mage had hidden his true emotions from everyone except, perhaps, from Natsu that one night. But it seemed like Gray had been more conflicted and upset than he had wanted them to believe, and Makarov ached at the thought that Gray had tried to hide his own anguish just so that they would be spared some of that pain.

Across from him, Natsu let out a shaky breath. Makarov studied the dragon slayer's face and noticed that there was a hint of pain in his eyes now.

"I guess we'll never know what exactly he was thinking or feeling," Natsu remarked in a low voice. "He was damn upset when I talked to him that one night, which I have to think is the same night you broke the idea of this backup plan to him. But you and I aren't the only ones he made sure to talk to before the fight."

Makarov blinked in surprise. This was the first he had heard of it. He opened his mouth to question Natsu further, but the dragon slayer continued right on.

"I know that he at least talked to Lucy, Erza, Juvia, and Cana as well. All of them got the same impression you did—that he was happy enough. And who knows? Maybe he did come to terms with it in the end. He may have been more upset than he let on, but I doubt he was as unhappy as he was when I talked to him. He seemed to have at least gotten over some of that.

"But…that talk is one of the other reasons I had to at least try to forgive you. I knew he was hurting. We even talked about iced shell and backup plans and his role on our team. I should have–I should have realized that something else was wrong, and I should have been able to convince him not to do something so stupid. But I failed in that regard, so it seems hypocritical to just blame you when I should have been able to do something about it too."

Natsu's hands clenched into fists and he lowered his head to stare at the floor, but not before Makarov saw the guilt and anguish that had settled in his eyes. He felt his own heart clench in response as he realized that Natsu was also blaming himself for at least part of what had happened. He had thought that the dragon slayer had recovered more quickly than the other brats, but he was starting to get the feeling that Natsu was hurting a lot more than he let on. Just like Gray had been. Makarov couldn't bear to see another of his brats hurting like that because of what he had done.

"You shouldn't be blaming yourself for anything. Gray and I must take full responsibility for the choices we made. There was no way you could have known what we were planning. And honestly, do you really think Gray would want you to blame yourself any more than he wanted me to blame myself? He cared about you a lot, and he wouldn't want to see you drowning yourself in guilt over something that isn't even your fault." Makarov's eyes filled with tears again. "You can–you can blame me," he said, his voice breaking, "but don't blame yourself."

Natsu looked back at him, and his eyes were shimmering with moisture now as well. "It's not–it's not that easy to just forgive yourself for things, is it? It can be hard to forgive other people, but it's so much harder to forgive yourself. I can't–I can't believe that Gray lived like that all of his life. I don't know how he lived with so much guilt for so long.

"And…I think that's why he was so worried about us, because he didn't want us to go through the same thing. So that's the other reason I came here today. Because no matter how betrayed I felt when I found out you asked Gray to sacrifice himself, I still love you too much to want to see you suffer like this. Whatever guilt I'm feeling…I can't imagine that it even compares to yours."

The tears had begun leaking from Natsu's eyes now, but he didn't bother brushing them away. Instead, he launched himself across the desk between them, and threw his arms around the older mage. Makarov stiffened in surprise at the contact, but then hugged Natsu back, his heart twisting painfully.

"So I'm sorry that I blamed you and wouldn't speak to you. I mean…part of me is still upset and it'll take me a while to let go of that, but I'm trying. Gray forgave you, and I forgive you too. I forgive you."

Makarov's breath was coming in shuddering gasps now as he tightened his grip on Natsu. He knew that he had been longing for forgiveness, from Natsu especially, but he hadn't realized exactly how much he had needed it. Hearing that Natsu forgave him, and being reminded that Gray had as well, seemed to lift a huge weight off his chest. He was still devastated and racked with guilt, but Natsu's words had brought him some comfort.

He idly wondered whether Natsu needed something like that as well. It seemed that the dragon slayer was blaming himself for things as well, but he didn't have anyone to earn forgiveness from. Even though he was feeling guilty, he would know that no one else would see it that way, so no one else would be able to forgive him for something that they never even blamed him for. Would no one be able to lift that weight like he had done for Makarov?

"Thank you, Natsu," the guild master choked out. "And…There really isn't anything that you should feel guilty about. You didn't do anything wrong, so no one blames you for anything. But if there was anything, anything at all, that you needed forgiveness for, you know that all of us, especially Gray, would forgive you. And Gray wouldn't want you to blame yourself for something that isn't your fault. He would forgive you if you needed forgiveness. Now you just need to forgive yourself."

Natsu heaved out a shuddering laugh, his face still hidden from Makarov's view. After a moment, he pulled away and slithered back across the desk's surface. He stood up and stared down at the master for several long moments.

"Yeah," he said finally. He turned and walked to the door, pausing with his hand on the doorknob. "You know, we've all been so horrified by what you asked Gray to do, so shocked that you could do something so cruel, but it goes both ways, doesn't it? I can't agree with your decision, but I know that it took a lot of guts to make that call. I know that I wouldn't have the courage to make such a difficult choice. I guess that's why you're the master and not me.

"Even if we don't agree with your choices, we can acknowledge that you have to make some difficult decisions as master. Most of us wouldn't be able to make those choices, and we sometimes forget that you have that capability since we see you more as 'Jii-chan' than as 'master'. But the truth is that you're both, right? That's why I have such a hard time reconciling your decision with the grandfather I thought I knew. You mostly act as 'Jii-chan' for us, but you can be the master when you have to.

"I understand that it can be a difficult burden. I know that you'll have to live with the decision you made, and I doubt that you'll ever be able to outrun the guilt entirely. I'm sorry for that. I can't agree with your choice, but I  _am_  sorry that you had to make it."

He twisted slightly to peer back, and Makarov was surprised by the steely determination in his eyes. "But remember this. As master of this guild, you still have a responsibility to us. I know that the guild is finally starting to recover, but it will be a while before we find a new routine, a new normal. There are still a lot of people who are hurting, and the guild is particularly fragile right now. As master, you need to stay strong so that you can support and reconstruct the guild. You see us as your children, right? You still have a responsibility to take care of us to the best of your ability. Just because you couldn't save one doesn't mean that you can give up on the rest. You can't just let yourself be eaten alive by your guilt. We still need you."

Makarov swallowed thickly, very aware of how similar Natsu's warning was to Gray's last words to him. He had known the words were true then, and he knew it now. He had failed Gray in a most terrible fashion, but he still had a guild full of brats to look after. Letting himself fall into despair would mean that he failed all the rest too, and he couldn't stomach that.

He met Natsu's gaze steadily. "I understand."

Natsu nodded, seemingly satisfied, and twisted the knob. He swung the door open and stepped out of the room. "I'm sorry, Jii-chan."

And then he was gone, the door closing firmly behind him. Makarov stared at the now-closed door thoughtfully, trying to puzzle out the meaning of that last statement. What was Natsu apologizing for? For how he had blamed and treated Makarov? For how he still couldn't let go of all his anger? For whatever it was he still felt guilty about? Or was he sorry that Makarov would have to live with the guilt? Sorry that Makarov had had to make that terrible choice?

The master sighed and shook his head. He didn't know what to make of the apology. However…

He looked down, his eyes locking on one of his desk drawers. There was still something he had to do. He pulled the drawer open gingerly and removed the letter, dropping it onto his desk. He studied it carefully. 'Jii-chan' was printed across the front of the envelope in neat lettering, although part of the 'n' was smeared, as if water had fallen onto the ink before it had fully dried.

Makarov swallowed hard. Natsu and Gray had been right—he needed to stay strong and not be consumed by his guilt. He still had responsibilities, and this was one that he had been avoiding. It was his guilt, and also his fear, that had stopped him from opening this envelope. He had managed to push it to the corners of his mind with all the other things he didn't want to face, but it was time to take responsibility and stop running.

So, with bated breath, he slit open the envelope, pulled out the letter, and began to read.

* * *

Natsu lay in his bed, the covers clutched tightly in his hands and pulled up to his chin as he stared out at the room blankly. After his talk with Jii-chan he had retreated to his room, unable to keep up the façade any longer. In the months since Gray's death he had felt many things. He had felt anger and raw anguish and searing guilt and even some fragile yet painfully unsustainable hope. Now that was all gone, drained out of him as if it had never been there at all.

Now all that was left was this hollow, empty shell, devoid of anything but a numbing sadness. The despair was crushing and stifling, making it difficult to even breath and even more impossible to move as it drained all the energy from his limbs and mind. He could barely even think straight anymore. All that was left was the knowledge that Gray was dead, and that he could have done something about it but hadn't.

The anger and the guilt would come back eventually. They had to. Anger was what kept Natsu alive and motivated, and he wouldn't be the same without it. And as for the guilt…Well, Natsu knew that he hadn't forgiven himself yet, and wasn't sure that he ever would. At this point he could barely even figure out  _why_ he felt so guilty or what he had done wrong, but he knew that the regret would be back later anyway, gnawing at his insides and whispering his failings into his ear. It would whisper his 'maybes' and wind around him and drag him down. But for now, the sadness and numbness didn't leave room for anything else, not even that insidious worm of guilt.

It was strange how he could be so devastatingly sad and yet feel nothing at the same time. How he could feel sadness and yet emptiness. He wished that he could feel something—anything—even something as terrible as guilt or raw anguish, just to know that he still existed at all. Because right now it felt like he was just an empty echo of who he once was, and he thought that that should frighten him. It would, if he wasn't so numb.

"Natsu? I made food. Will you come eat?"

Natsu was too exhausted to even lift his head to look at Happy. This crushing depression had sapped all of his strength, and even the thought of eating turned his stomach. He couldn't imagine eating anything right now, especially not fish, which is what Happy usually prepared when he decided to cook.

"Sorry, Happy," he said slowly, even the effort of talking proving to be exhausting. "I'm not hungry."

There was a pause, and Natsu took in the blessed silence. Right now he couldn't handle the intrusion of the real world into his void. He didn't have the energy to deal with it. And yet, part of him desperately longed for something to shatter the terrible stupor that had fallen over him, to reach into this void and pull him out of the lonely, still sorrow.

"You haven't eaten in three days," Happy whispered finally, fear creeping into his voice. "You need to eat."

"I can't, Happy," Natsu breathed, his words dragging out ponderously as he forced his lips to move against their will. "Not right now."

A furry blue head popped up over the side of the bed, and Happy stared at Natsu sadly. "Natsu…"

"I know," the dragon slayer muttered. "Tomorrow, okay? Right now…Right now I just want to sleep."

In fact, that's probably all he  _could_  do, considering that he couldn't seem to summon the energy to move. But even so, he had the sneaking suspicion that sleep would be a long time in coming. This void sapped his energy and strength, but it also kept him trapped in his own mind and refused to let him escape, even into the world of dreams. In any case, he could lie here, and that's all he wanted to do right now.

He knew that he would have to start taking care of himself again, and that he really shouldn't be worrying Happy any more than he already had. But it was really hard to care about much of anything when he felt so hollow and numb. Tomorrow. Tomorrow he would shake off this shadow and get back to normal.

"What are you thinking, Natsu?" Happy asked, his voice heavy with concern. "What's wrong?"

What indeed. Natsu considered it, his thoughts moving about sluggishly as he tried to marshal them into some semblance of coherence. He exhaled slowly.

"It's over," he said finally, his words heavy and ugly in the stillness of the room.

Happy clambered up onto the bed and sat down, peering at Natsu's face with a mixture of curiosity and worry. "What's over?" he asked.

"All of this. Everything. I don't know," Natsu mumbled, his words jumbling together in their own languorous fashion. He hesitated, trying to put his thoughts in order, and Happy waited, sensing his internal debate.

"All of this with Gray," he continued after a long pause. "I've done everything he asked me to do in that letter. I talked to everyone he wanted me to talk to, said everything he wanted me to say. And now? Now what?"

He paused again and grimaced slightly. "It should feel good, or fulfilling at least, shouldn't it? I mean, I'm finally done. But instead it feels…empty. Like, what's left now?" He sighed. "It's stupid."

Silence settled over the room for a few seconds as Happy considered his words and thought about how to respond.

"It's not stupid," the Exceed said finally. "That letter and the tasks it asked you to do, those are the last things Gray left you. You did everything he asked so you should feel good about it since you completed the mission he left you, but it's also sad because now you've finished everything and he can't ask you to do anything else. This was the last mission from Gray, and it's a bittersweet ending because now that it's over, it's really over."

Natsu blinked at Happy uncomprehendingly for a minute before he registered the meaning of the Exceed's words and let out a soft breath. "You're a smart cat, you know," he murmured absently.

Now that his mission from Gray was over, he knew that he could never do anything on Gray's behalf again. In a way, Gray had been almost with him throughout this journey, and this had been their last job together. Almost together. And now…Now Gray was gone for good. Nothing was left.

The tasks Gray's letter had set for him had consumed Natsu for the past months. They had been unbelievably difficult because he had had to pretend to be okay when he was really falling apart, because he had had to be strong for the others like Gray had asked even though he was hurting just as much as they were. In some ways it had almost destroyed him.

On the other hand, it had also given him something to live for, a mission to focus his attention on to prevent himself from falling into his own grief and being unable to claw his way back out. It had held off this numb depression because he couldn't just sit around and mourn alone all the time when he still had other people to comfort. Now that he no longer had anything to distract him from the grief that had been slowly building within him and clawing at his insides, he was succumbing. He was succumbing, and he didn't know how to recover.

That letter had given him a set of tasks to complete, but now that all those errands were finished, Natsu didn't know where to go from here. Before he had a checklist. He knew that within the next few weeks he needed to talk to Lucy or Erza or Juvia. Now…Now the future was just a blank, a gaping black hole that didn't include Gray. It was a future where Natsu couldn't see himself and didn't know how to handle. He didn't know what to do next. There were the simple things, of course. He should go back to the guild and reform Team Natsu Minus One and go on jobs and be okay. But he couldn't see anything meaningful in the future now that his tasks were complete.

He absently wondered if that was what had brought about this aching emptiness. He had run out of jobs, run out of meaning, run out of  _Gray_ , and now there was nothing left. He didn't know where to go from here. Now that his tasks were done, all that was left was to pick up the pieces of his life, and he didn't even know where to start.

"I don't know where to go from here," he murmured after a long pause. "Now that I finished…I don't know what to do. What's left?"

Happy scooted a little closer and raised one small, furry paw to wipe away the silent tears Natsu hadn't even been aware he had been shedding. "It's hard to say, isn't it?" the little cat remarked softly. "It's hard to say where you go from here, but you must know that there are a lot of things left. The rest of Fairy Tail is left. All the rest of your friends are still here, and so am I. Gray is gone, but the rest of us are still here. Don't throw us all away because we aren't him.

"And now that you know what's left, maybe you can start figuring out what to do next. You aren't alone, Natsu. You can come back to the guild with me and we can figure out where to go from here  _together_. You don't need to figure it out on your own. We're all still here and we all still need to find a way to move on. We can help each other. Maybe you don't know what to do right now, but we can all come together and figure that out, okay?"

Happy stared at Natsu with big, sad eyes, and the dragon slayer stared back numbly. After a moment, with a herculean effort, Natsu forced one corner of his mouth to twitch upwards in some semblance of a smile.

"Have I ever told you that you're a lot smarter than we give you credit for?" he asked quietly.

For a brief moment he felt a flicker of pride and warmth for the cat in front of him, before the void sucked it away.

Happy just blinked at him, nonplussed. "So you'll come back to the guild then?" he pressed.

Natsu sighed heavily and let his eyes drift shut. "Tomorrow, Happy. We'll go back tomorrow."

Sensing his friend's reluctance to continue the conversation, Happy simply nodded his acceptance and curled up against Natsu. Within a few minutes, the Exceed drifted off to sleep, his little blue body rising and falling rhythmically in time with his deep breathing.

Natsu wished that he could find sleep so easily. He kept his eyes closed and floated in the void, but despite his exhaustion and numbness, he couldn't fall asleep. Instead, he lay on the bed motionlessly, his mind unable to overcome the chilling sorrow. But despite the sadness, that hollow, empty feeling persisted.

As Natsu waited for sleep to finally claim him, he absently wished that he could feel  _something_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Could I have made this into an angry confrontation with lots of angst and blaming? Sure could. Why didn't I? Because like I said, this is kind of a turning point in the story. Natsu's chapter is next and it's paired with the stage of acceptance and hope, so it's clearly going to have a (slightly)different vibe from the rest of the piece. I think that the depression snippet fits very well in this capacity, as a marker of the end of the first part and transition to the other chapter. And it's also why I decided to focus Makarov's chapter more on forgiveness than blame and anger.
> 
> I know this whole piece has had something of a nebulous timeline, but I think it's safe to say that this chapter would have to take place months after "The Backup Plan" in order for Natsu to let go of some of his anger and resentment. It's only because quite a bit of time has passed that I could even consider writing this more from the forgiveness angle, because I imagine that everyone would have been pretty darn angry with Makarov at first. But honestly, I've never considered Makarov the "villain" here. He's just a man who had to make a difficult choice that he thought was necessary to save as many of the people he cared about as he could. Maybe he made the wrong choice, and that interpretation wouldn't absolve him of guilt anyway, but I'd like to think that Fairy Tail would eventually be able to see that he isn't the enemy here. Mind you, I'm sure his relationship with everyone else would never be quite the same, but I think that they could work past some of the anger and blame eventually.


	8. Natsu (Acceptance and Hope)

**Natsu (Acceptance and Hope)**

Natsu groaned pitiably as he stumbled off the train and slumped over on a nearby bench to wait for his stomach to settle. Normally he wouldn't use transportation unless he was forced to, but today was different. He had gotten on the train of his own accord, willingly although not happily. Since he hadn't brought anyone else with him he could rest here for as long as he wanted to recover from the horrible train ride, but after a few minutes he sighed heavily and pulled himself to his feet. He knew that he was just stalling now.

This town was only a few hours from Magnolia by train, but Natsu needed to do this today and he didn't want to bring Happy with him, so he couldn't just walk unless he wanted to make it into an overnight journey. He didn't want to make it into an overnight journey.

And even though he had reached the town, his destination was at least another hour away by foot. Natsu considered buying some lunch before he set off on his trek, but decided against it. He was still feeling a little queasy from the train, and his appetite hadn't really recovered to begin with. Instead, he began walking.

He walked through the town and out the other side, and then followed a small, winding foot trail through the countryside. At times it disappeared entirely, and Natsu had to rely on the directions he had stealthily obtained through seemingly casual questions over the past several days. It was a beautiful day with bright sunshine and a slight breeze, but he wasn't in the mood to appreciate the nice weather or the wildlife he passed. He was tense and keyed up, and every step seemed to heighten the anticipatory tension even further.

He didn't know how long he had been walking when he finally crested a hill and realized that he had reached his destination, but his feet were sore and aching. They didn't ache half as much as his heart though.

A mountain rose up before him, and Natsu's keen eyes quickly picked out the entrance to the cave system that riddled it. His pace slowed even further as he unhurriedly approached the gaping black hole marring the mountain's craggy surface. Steeling himself, he stepped into the passage, halfheartedly raising one hand and lighting it on fire so that he could see in the darkness. He unenthusiastically strode down the narrow corridor, careful not to brush against the damp stone to either side. Glancing about in distaste, he wondered whose great idea it had been to pick this godforsaken place.

After winding through the belly of the mountain for quite a distance, the passage suddenly widened into a large chamber. Natsu's feet stopped moving as he gaped at the large object in the center. In the very middle of the underground room, a gigantic demon towered menacingly, its horned head nearly touching the ceiling and its once-glowing crimson eyes dull and glassy.

But Natsu wasn't looking at the monster. He only had eyes for the ice encasing it. Part of the room's ceiling had opened up into a shaft to the outside, perhaps the result of some long ago landslide or more recent excavation, and sunlight from the outside sky poured through the hole to hit the very center of the room where the ice had been positioned. The light struck the ice and scattered, setting the crystalline structure glowing. The ice glittered and shone, sparkling in all of its chilly splendor as the light caught it at all the right angles. It took Natsu's breath away.

It was beautiful, in the ugliest possible way.

"Gray," Natsu breathed, dropping his hand as his fire flickered out. It was true that the cave was plenty bright with the light shining in, but the real reason he put out his flames was because of how Gray had panicked when Natsu's fire got too close to Deliora's prison on Galuna Island. Natsu knew that his fire wouldn't melt the ice, but it seemed respectful to extinguish it nonetheless.

With a shuddering breath, the dragon slayer slowly inched into the cave, taking a few hesitant steps towards the ice structure. He stopped a few feet before the ice and stared at its shimmering surface as if in a trance.

"Hey, it's been a while, ice block," he managed to choke out finally.

The terrible irony of the once-teasing nickname struck him as soon as it left his lips, and he let out a strangled laugh that verged on a sob. Ice block indeed.

Natsu didn't know how aware Gray could be in his state. Probably not very, considering he was currently a hunk of ice. Ice had never struck Natsu as being very aware of the things going on around it. But still, he felt the need to talk, to say the things he had never said. He supposed that it was rather like talking to a grave. That thought bothered him, so he hurriedly continued speaking so that he didn't have to think about it any longer.

"Happy birthday."

Natsu's hands clenched into fists and he gritted his teeth as his gaze drifted down towards the ground. Looking at the ice was too painful. He absently noticed that bouquets of flowers, some wilted and some still fairly fresh, were strewn about the base of the ice structure like offerings at a grave or shrine. He idly wondered who was still coming to pay their respects. He supposed that some of their friends must drop by from time to time. For some reason, it seemed to bring them a little comfort. They had occasionally asked him to join them on the pilgrimage, but Natsu had always refused. He hadn't wanted to see what Gray had become, and he certainly wasn't ready. In all the months since his best friend's death, this was the first and only time Natsu had come here.

"We should be having a party right about now," he mused. "I don't imagine that anyone really feels like celebrating though. Although I'm not sure what they actually  _are_ doing at the guild right now."

He hadn't bothered going to the guild today. He had just gotten up early, told Happy that he was taking a day trip, and gotten on a train. Something about the way Happy had looked at him made Natsu think that he suspected what the dragon slayer was planning, but he might have just imagined it. This trip had been a spur-of-the-moment decision. If Natsu himself hadn't known that he would be here right now until a few hours ago, how could Happy have guessed?

Natsu let out a breath. He didn't want to talk about Gray's birthday anymore. It hurt too much. It hurt knowing that his friend should be one year older but was instead frozen forever as a goddamn hunk of ice. It hurt knowing that he and Gray should be celebrating right now, but that only one of the two was left. Natsu didn't feel inclined to celebrate in the slightest. He should be celebrating, but he could only mourn.

"How  _did_ they manage to get you in here?" he burst out suddenly, unwilling to pursue his earlier line of conversation.

It was quite the tangent, but still a valid question. The demon was huge, and the ice around it even bigger. How the guild had managed to transport them at all—much less move them hours away through narrow, winding, underground passages—was beyond Natsu's comprehension. Perhaps they had used magic. It seemed like the only plausible explanation.

"I still don't know why they even picked this place," he muttered into the dead silence. "I was all for sticking you somewhere freezing cold, but I never got to give my opinion since I was still sulking at home and avoiding the guild when that discussion took place." His mouth twisted into a grimace. "Dunno why they thought a cave in the middle of nowhere was the perfect spot."

Although he had to admit that he was starting to see the appeal. The trek through the dark passageways was a little off-putting, but this chamber was another story. The light filtering through and reflecting off the ice made a stunning sight, and it gave the whole room the feeling of a memorial or shrine. It turned something horribly tragic into something terribly beautiful. Natsu wasn't sure if he liked that. He rather thought that it should be ugly and cold—like how he felt.

He was aware that he was rambling now, letting his words and thoughts stray off topic so that he could postpone saying what he needed to say in order to achieve some kind of closure. To be honest, he wasn't quite sure what those words might be just yet, but letting his nerves derail this most important of conversations—of monologues, really—was not going to help him in the long run.

So, with a sigh, Natsu dropped to the ground and settled himself in a more comfortable cross-legged position.

"Yeah, yeah, I suppose you want to know why I'm here now, after all this time." Truthfully, he suspected that Gray was wondering nothing of the sort, considering he was a block of ice, but it helped Natsu's sanity to ignore that. "Well, I did what you asked me to. I did all of it. I talked to Lyon, Lucy, Erza, Juvia, Cana, and yes, even Jii-chan. Damn, that was the hardest one, too. You were right when you said I'd have a hard time letting go of what he did. I'm still working on it.

"But honestly, it's even harder to get over what  _you_  did. After everything I told you that night, I can't believe you  _still_  did this. I keep thinking that if maybe I had done something else, done something more, maybe I could have stopped you from using that damn spell. But…there really isn't anything more I could have done, is there? I guess you made that pretty clear in your letter. I'm still not sure if that feeling will go away though. It still feels like I let you down.

"God," he whispered, his voice breaking, "it feels like I let you down. But you let me down too, you know. You weren't supposed to give up on me like that. I told you not to give up. I told you that I didn't want you to die. Don't you remember what I said that night? What I said back on Galuna when you first tried to use that spell? I didn't–I didn't want you to die."

Tears were streaming freely down his face now, and Natsu made a halfhearted effort to wipe them away. Before he had been angry at Gray for leaving them, but right now Natsu was just sad, because he had come to accept that Gray wasn't coming back this time.

"You were–you were my best friend, you know? We were supposed to do jobs together and fight together and grow up together and  _live_ together. And now…Now you're gone. You're really, really gone. It's been months, and I still can hardly believe it. It's so different without you. Who am I supposed to throw insults at and pick fights with? You knew me better than anyone, but who is left to understand me now?"

Natsu sniffled and wiped at his red-rimmed eyes again. He shifted positions, drawing his knees to his chest and wrapping his arms around his folded legs. Letting his chin rest on his knees, he studied the ice before him tearfully. A half-glimpsed snatch of memory whispered that this was the same unusual position Gray had adopted that night of their last real conversation, and it struck Natsu as somehow meaningful.

"I tried…I tried so hard to make you see yourself the way we see you, when we talked that night. I tried so hard to break down that stupid ice wall you put up to stop us from interrupting your spell. All this time, I've been trying so hard to  _save_  you. I tried to save you from yourself, and I failed. I don't know–I don't know how to live with that."

He laughed breathlessly, the unamused sound accentuated by his sobbing breaths and falling tears. "It's funny, we spent a lot of our lives trying to save each other, didn't we? We never came out and said it, but we could always tell when the other was hurting and needed help, and we did help each other in our own ways. The others might not have understood that, but I did. I  _did_. God knows you saved me so many times, but you've come damn near to destroying me with this. I don't–I don't know if I ever saved you the way you saved me. God knows you had so much more you had to be saved from. But I tried. I  _tried_.

"I failed, didn't I? I'm sorry." His voice broke again. "I'm so sorry."

He sobbed into the heavy silence for several long minutes, unable to continue speaking. He eventually collected himself again, although the tears never fully stopped and he couldn't quite get rid of the brittle feeling of broken glass stabbing at his heart.

"I miss you," he said finally. "I really do. We fought like cats and dogs, but you meant so much to me. I'm not sure if I ever told you that, but I hope that you realized it all the same. You were smart. I hope you figured it out."

Natsu took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I'm here now because this is an end. I don't know if it's  _the_ end, but it is  _an_  end. I guess I've finally had to admit that you're gone and you aren't coming back. It took me a while to get there, you know, to admit that to myself, but here I am.

"I did everything you asked me to do in that letter. I fulfilled all those tasks and I stayed strong for the others like you asked me to. But I hope you knew what you were doing with that, because it hurt. God, it hurt. I feel like I've been playing a game, putting up a good show for everyone else so that they don't realize how close I am to breaking, you know? You were damn right when you said that it would be hard for me to fulfill those requests. It was so, so hard, but now…

"Now I'm finished, and I don't know where to go from here. I don't know what to do now that I don't have your last wishes guiding me. Being finished means that it's an ending, that I have to let you go. I don't–I don't want to let you go, Gray. I don't know how.

"This journey has been hard, but the ending is even harder. And I wish I was half as strong as everyone else thinks I am so that I can deal with it, but I'm  _not_. I'm not that strong," he babbled, his voice becoming even more strangled as his tears intensified. "I'm not, and I'm breaking, and I don't know how to move on or let go. I don't know–I don't–"

Natsu broke off and buried his face in his knees, his entire body shaking with ragged sobs. He didn't know how long he had been crying when a comforting hand suddenly came to rest on his shoulder. He started in surprise and looked up, his eyes widening in confusion.

"Jii…chan…?" he asked slowly.

Makarov nodded and attempted to smile. "Hello, Natsu."

The dragon slayer looked down as Happy suddenly appeared and crawled up his leg to perch on his knees. The little blue cat peered up at him solemnly.

"You should have brought me with you," he said reproachfully, before his indignant demeanor melted away and he stretched forward to hug Natsu.

"Happy? What…?"

Natsu wrapped an arm around the Exceed, still stunned. What were they doing here?

"You know that we would have come with you if you asked us to," another voice said from behind him.

Natsu hurriedly turned, his movements awkward since his knees were drawn to his chest and he was still holding Happy. He gaped at the sight before him. Lucy had finished speaking and had raised an eyebrow at him. Erza, Juvia, and Cana stood fanned out behind her, all watching him.

Natsu quickly scrambled to his feet, keeping Happy clutched to his chest. He wondered how long they had all been standing there, and how much of his talk to Gray they had heard. He almost asked, but he had the feeling that they wouldn't tell him the truth if they had heard more than they should have, so he changed his question.

"How–How did you find me?" he stammered, his eyes darting back and forth between the five people standing before him.

"Happy told us," Erza answered quietly.

Natsu blinked at her owlishly before looking down at the blue and white bundle in his arms. "Happy? But…I didn't tell you where I was going," he said in bewilderment.

Happy stared up at him seriously. "You didn't have to. I could read it in your eyes."

Natsu just shook his head. Even he himself hadn't known where he was going until he was already on his way. Perhaps he was easier to read than he had thought.

"Well…" He looked back at the others. " _Why_ are you here?"

The girls exchanged glances.

"You helped us and comforted us when we needed it," Lucy offered. "Why shouldn't we do the same for you?"

Natsu just stared, his mind racing. He had been so sure that he had hidden his pain well, so that everyone would think he had recovered quickly. He had put up a brave front and no one had called him on it. How would they have known? Only Happy had…

The dragon slayer looked at the Exceed with an accusatory glare. "I told you not to tell them anything," he grumbled darkly.

"I didn't!" Happy protested. "Well, I didn't tell them very much anyway."

"It's true," Erza confirmed. "He didn't tell us much about how badly you were doing until we confronted him about it earlier today and asked him point blank."

"Then how…?"

The girls and Makarov glanced at each other again and shifted uncomfortably.

"Well, we already suspected that maybe you were more upset than you let on," Cana said. "But we didn't really realize how bad it was. You did a damn good job of fooling us." She smiled a little, although it was melancholy. "I guess we're the ones who should feel like jerks now, huh? We didn't realize how much you were hurting until something else made us look at you closer."

Natsu recognized the reference to his earlier conversation with Cana when he had rescued her from the creep in that shady bar. He was glad that she actually had remembered what they had talked about once she was sober, but something else caught his attention.

"What do you mean, until 'something else' made you look closer?" he asked, partly suspicious and partly bewildered.

Makarov sighed. "You weren't the only one who got some final instructions," he said flatly.

Natsu stared at him numbly. "What do you mean?"

"I mean that Gray left us a letter too," Makarov clarified, his gaze sliding away from Natsu's face as if he was ashamed. "The morning of the battle, he gave me two letters. One was addressed to you, and I gave it to you the day after. The other one was addressed to me, although apparently I was meant to share its contents with the rest of Fairy Tail as well.

"I suppose it was rather hypocritical of me not to open it, especially after I asked you to find the courage to open the letter he left you. But…I was afraid, I suppose, and I felt too guilty to even consider reading it. I ignored it and pushed it out of my mind for months. I had almost forgotten about it when you came and talked to me a few days ago. After our talk, I finally opened that letter and read it."

Natsu's mind was still reeling in shock. There had been another letter? "What…What did it say?" he asked slowly, finding it difficult to force the words past his numb and leaden lips.

The master seemed to collect his thoughts for a moment before sighing again. "It said a lot of things, but a good portion of it revolved around you."

"Around me," Natsu repeated dumbly.

Makarov nodded in confirmation. "After he asked you to look after everyone else, did you really think that he forgot about you? He knew that you would be hurting just as much as the rest of us, even though he asked you to stay strong to take care of us while we grieved. He knew that you would be too busy taking care of us to really take care of yourself, and he knew that you would need someone to comfort you just as much as we needed you to comfort us. You might have fooled us into thinking that you were doing alright, but you didn't fool him."

Natsu's heart twisted more and more as he listened to Makarov's words, but at the final statement, he couldn't help but let out a strangled laugh as he recalled the note Gray had left for him at the top of Lyon's letter.

"No, I never could fool him," he said wistfully. "He could sometimes hide things from me, but he could read me like a book."

"Juvia thinks that Gray-sama was like that with most people," Juvia replied solemnly, speaking for the first time. Her eyes were still filled with grief, but her voice was steady. "Gray-sama understood people much more than they understood him, and he tried to help them understand themselves better too."

Natsu bowed his head, recognizing the truth in the water mage's words.

"She's right," Lucy agreed quietly. "If there was one thing Gray taught me, and perhaps tried to teach the rest of us, it's that we all have something valuable to offer and that we're always stronger as a team. But most of all, you're stronger than you think you are. Even when you feel weak, you're stronger than you realize."

"But just because you're stronger than you think," Erza continued without missing a beat, "doesn't mean that you always have to be so strong. You don't have to pretend to be stronger than you are and you shouldn't have to hide your pain and troubles from your friends. You shouldn't have to cry alone—to  _be_ alone. You should be able to share your pain with your friends and let them help you."

"It is important that Natsu-san recognizes that he is not alone," Juvia added, her eyes filling with tears. "Gray-sama wanted us to learn how to live without him, even though it's hard. He told Juvia to learn to rely on her other friends as well as him, so that she would still have something to live for once he was gone. It's like Natsu-san said—we are all looking for a new way to live, but we don't have to do it alone. Natsu-san should let his friends help him find a new way to stop his tears, so that they can all find a way to move on. Together."

"And in order to be able to move on, you have to stop running away," Cana said, fixing Natsu with her serious gaze. "You can't just hide from your problems and hope that they'll go away. They won't. At some point you have to stop running and face reality, face your problems head on. You shouldn't have to resist reality so much that you end up destroying yourself. Eventually, you'll have to learn how to ask for help so that you can find a way to let go."

"Letting go won't be easy, of course," Makarov continued with a sigh. "In order to be able to truly move on, you'll need to find a way to let go of some of your guilt." The master stared at Natsu meaningfully, his eyes tired and old. "You'll have to let go of your guilt for the things that weren't your fault so that you can start picking up the pieces and rebuilding your life. There will always be other people who rely on you, and you'll have to find a way to stay strong so that you can help them and yourself. We are a guild, and we all depend upon each other. One person's weakness will be overcome through another's strength. Rebuilding everything is a daunting task, but we have each other to rely on."

Happy squirmed in Natsu's arms, and looked up at the dragon slayer reproachfully. "You don't have to shut us out or pretend to be fine when you're obviously not," he chided gently. "We're still here, and we're your friends too. We want to help you the same way that you helped us. You'll always have us. Don't forget that."

Natsu's wide-eyed gaze traveled around the semicircle of people before him and the cat in his arms. Their expressions ranged from melancholy to determined to understanding, and he felt a surge of affection for these people. He could hear how they had each taken the thing both he and Gray had tried to make them understand the most, and seamlessly combined them into one solid network of advice. The things he and Gray had told to each of them individually had been tailored for their specific needs and problems and insecurities, but everyone had come together and united it all into a single meaningful philosophy that could serve as the foundation of their future.

Gray would have been proud.

The silence stretched on a beat too long, so Happy spoke again, his eyes softening despite the sadness they held. "Come back, Natsu," the Exceed said softly. "We miss you. You've been so busy hiding your true thoughts and feelings from us, and so absorbed in your own pain since you wouldn't let us help, that it feels like we haven't seen you in forever. We want you. We want the  _real_ you, not the façade you keep putting up. Let us in so that we can face this together."

Natsu's eyes filled with tears again, and he hugged the little cat closer to his chest. "I miss you too," he managed to choke out.

And he finally let himself break down and sob in front of the others, so that they could see him for what he was. He didn't worry about hiding his pain or being strong for them, because it was their turn to be strong for him.

He cried and let his friends hug him and whisper comforting words in his ear. He cried for a long time, until the sunlight outside began to fade and the light filtering through the shaft in the ceiling mellowed out to the duller glow of dusk. Natsu sniffed and rubbed at his eyes, absently musing that it looked like his journey had turned into an overnight trip after all.

"Are you ready to go?" Lucy asked gently.

Natsu didn't answer immediately. His crying had left him feeling exhausted and hollow, and he knew that he had been here long enough. He had said what he needed to say, cried all he needed to cry, and received all the comfort he needed to receive. He had never intended to stay here for more than a few minutes because it hurt too much, seeing Gray like this. He ached to leave because staying here was torture.

However…Natsu found that he couldn't make himself go. Being here hurt too much, but leaving would be like admitting defeat. Like admitting that Gray was well and truly gone. Leaving would be like a tragic ending that Natsu didn't want to face. He was afraid that once he left this chamber, he would never be able to feel Gray again. He didn't want to leave without his best friend. He didn't want to leave Gray behind.

He stood still with a troubled look on his face, torn by indecision. "Yeah," he said finally, his voice still rough and hoarse from the tears he had shed. "We should go." He hesitated a moment. "Why don't you all go on ahead? I'll be out in just a minute."

The others exchanged looks, a hint of worry returning to their eyes, but they seemed to quickly come to a consensus.

Makarov nodded slowly. "Alright," he agreed. "We'll wait for you outside then."

Happy jumped down from Natsu's arms and gave his companion an understanding look. "Take all the time you need," the Exceed said. "We'll wait."

The others nodded and slowly filed out of the chamber, into the dark passageway beyond. Natsu let out a breath as they disappeared from sight, and turned back to face the towering structure of ice encasing the demon. As the light had begun to fade, the crystalline ice had lost some of its dazzling splendor but none of its tragic charm. The softer light still glinted off it, so although the structure was no longer stunning in its brilliance, it retained a soft glow that was slowly fading with the sun. It was still beautiful, but it was a fading beauty that felt like the last echo of a whispered farewell.

Natsu swallowed thickly and slowly approached it once more. He stopped just in front of it and stared at it blankly.

"Gray," he whispered hoarsely.

Ever so slowly, he raised his hand and reached toward the ice with trembling fingers. His hand hesitated in midair for a second before he allowed his shaking fingers to brush against the ice. He was afraid of the finality of that touch, of the coldness and emptiness he would feel, but he was surprised.

The ice was cool to the touch, but it seemed to radiate a gentle kind of warmth as well. It seemed to whisper soundless words of comfort and farewell. It felt like Gray.

Natsu gasped and withdrew his hand. He stared at the ice in shock, his mind churning frantically. That warmth, that edge of fierce protectiveness and determination, that silent goodbye—it was all Gray. This whole time Natsu had assumed that Gray was gone and felt nothing and was aware of nothing. To some extent, that had to be true. And yet…It seemed that some part of Gray lingered here. It was like he wasn't completely gone.

Natsu found himself crying soundlessly again. He recalled one of the lines from the letter Gray had left him:

_"I'm sorry I won't be there to call you names and get into fistfights and go on missions and stand by you when you need me, but damn, Natsu, I'll always be a part of Fairy Tail. You probably don't understand exactly what I mean by that yet, but I think that you will, one day."_

The corners of his lips twitched upwards in a melancholy half-smile, the tears still streaming down his face. No, he hadn't really understood what Gray had meant, but he thought that he might be beginning to. Gray was gone, but some part of him remained. Perhaps a piece of him stayed in the ice, but an even bigger part remained in Fairy Tail, in their hearts. When Natsu left this cave he would be leaving a chunk of ice, but he would bring part of Gray with him.

It still wasn't enough and this revelation wouldn't magically make Natsu happy again, but it was a start. Gray wouldn't be able to fight with them and grow with them, but some piece of him would be beside them all the way. Natsu supposed he shouldn't be so surprised. Wasn't that what Gray had been trying to say when he made his last gesture before sealing the demon? After all, the meaning of the Fairy Tail sign was that  _"even if I can't see you...no matter how far away you may be...I will always be watching you."_

He let out a half-sob, half-laugh. This journey had been for closure. It had been meant to be an ending of sorts, but it had been a beginning as well.

He backed away towards the mouth of the corridor behind him, keeping his eyes fixed on the ice. As he took his first step into the corridor beyond, he paused for a heartbeat.

"I understand, Gray," he whispered, his soft words echoing quietly through the silent chamber. "Goodbye. Goodbye and hello."

Then he turned and walked away, out to the world beyond where all the rest of his friends waited, where he was not alone and never had been.

* * *

Natsu stood before the doors of the guild. Happy remained silent beside him, sensing that his friend needed a moment to collect himself. Natsu and the others had just gotten back from their trip to visit Gray the day before, and this was the first time Natsu would see them after his previous breakdown. It was an odd feeling, knowing that everyone was now aware of his real mental state.

But at the same time, the passage of time and the visit to Gray's cave had provided some healing for his heart. He was no longer on the verge of breaking out into sobs at any moment. He wasn't in denial about Gray's death, and he wasn't unnaturally angry or numb. The visit had given him some closure, and knowing that he no longer had to pretend to be stronger than he really was for his friends was like a weight off his chest. Having to hide his emotions and thoughts had been difficult and exhausting, and Natsu wondered if that was how Gray had felt before his death.

He exhaled slowly. His denial had been replaced by the acceptance of the hand fate had dealt them, no matter how cruel it might be. Yes, Gray was dead. Natsu had to accept that. Of course, that didn't magically make everything alright. He was still sad and hurt, and he still harbored some ill feelings towards Jii-chan and the demon and the  _world_  for what had happened. But now he could be sure that he was recovering slowly but surely, and it was a start. Things would never be the same as they had been and Fairy Tail would be a darker place without Gray, but life would go on and Natsu had to accept that.

Yes, life would go on. Thinking about the future had been rather depressing these past few months, but now Natsu felt the tiniest spark of hope as he considered it. This wasn't the same kind of illogical and wholly unhealthy hope he had occasionally felt in the wake of Gray's death, but something else entirely. It came from the knowledge that even though he would never completely get over this tragedy or be the same as he was before, good things would still come along with the bad, and Natsu would still have his other friends to live on with. It wouldn't be the same, but it would have to be enough.

Natsu hoped that one day he and his friends would be completely alright again. He hoped that they would all grow together and remain close in the future. He hoped that there would come a day when Gray's absence wasn't the first thing on his mind when he woke up and the last thing he was thinking of when he fell asleep. He hoped that the future would be brighter and that he would be able to regain his childlike wonder and cheerfulness towards the world. He hoped a lot of things.

It still hurt thinking about a future without Gray, and it hurt even more hoping about a future without him. It felt almost like a betrayal, like Natsu shouldn't be hoping for good things when Gray wouldn't be there to share in them as well. However, Natsu logically understood that Gray would want him to hope and live again, and one day he hoped that his heart would understand that as well. Natsu still felt like he was trapped in a dark, depressing place, but instead of simply wallowing in his misery, he had begun to look for even the faintest of silver linings.

"Are you ready to go in?" Happy asked finally, interrupting Natsu's musings. The Exceed peered up at him uncertainly, trying to gauge his friend's mood. Natsu hesitated.

Hope wouldn't do him much good if he didn't act on it, and it would eventually wither away if he didn't cultivate it. It would be a terrible thing if he lost it just as soon as he had found it again.

"Yes," he said after a moment. "I am."

The little cat smiled in relief as Natsu pushed the doors open to see all his guildmates within. Giving the room a quick once-over, Natsu easily found his friends as they sat around one of the tables, talking and occasionally laughing.

"Hey, Natsu!" Lucy called, turning at the sound of the opening doors and noticing him standing outside. She waved him over. "Come on in!"

Erza twisted around in her seat to give him a smile as well, and even Juvia waved at him halfheartedly from where she was sitting with Gajeel. Cana grinned over at him, and he noticed with some surprise that she actually appeared to be sober. Jii-chan was standing nearby, and gave him a sad half-smile. Natsu tried to push down the instinctive feeling of betrayal and anger that stabbed at his heart when he saw the master. He wasn't sure that would ever completely go away, but he hoped that it would eventually fade.

Happy walked a few paces into the hall and then turned to look back at Natsu. "Are you okay?" he asked.

Natsu considered it for a few seconds. "Yeah," he said finally. "I think I will be."

He hoped so, anyway.

He realized that now, as he stood on the threshold, he had a choice. He could choose to turn around and walk right back out to spend the day grieving in his own home. He could decide to remain in mourning for the rest of his life, the future be damned. It was tempting, to be certain. But he could also choose to walk inside and sit down with his friends and live on with them. He could decide to look towards the future and nurture the hope that someday things would get better again. He could choose to move on.

So, with a deep breath and a renewed sense of determination, Natsu took the first step forward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's so bittersweet x.x Sorry, but it didn't seem right to end it on an overly happy note. Kind of hard to ignore all the pain and grief that everyone must still harbor, but I think it's nice to show that they've at least started to recover and move on. We're almost at the end now! Well, this kind of is an end, but so is the epilogue. I think I'm just being confusing now, ha ha.


	9. Epilogue-The Beginning & The End

**"Epilogue"-The Beginning & The End**

_Jii-chan and Everyone,_

_I know that this is addressed to you, Jii-chan, but it's really for the rest of Fairy Tail as well, excluding Natsu. I don't think I have much time, so I'll try to make this brief._

_Fairy Tail has been a family to me and you guys have helped me through a lot of things. Every one of you has helped me in some way, and I don't regret having the opportunity to help you as well. You are all very important to me, and I hope you know that. I've never been good with words and all this mushy stuff has always been rather uncomfortable for me, so I'm not going to go into too much detail here. Lucy, Erza, Juvia, Cana, Jii-chan…I made sure to have a last serious conversation with you, so I just have to hope that that was enough._

_I managed to talk with Natsu as well, but I didn't get to say the things I needed to say to him—that's why I wrote him a separate letter. I asked him to do a few favors for me as well, and now I'm going to beg a favor of you guys too. The things I asked of Natsu will be a kind of double-edged sword. They'll give him something to do in order to distract him and give him a sense of purpose and meaning. On the other hand, they will also be very difficult for him and they'll put him under a great deal of emotional strain._

_So, what I want to ask you to do is to look after Natsu. I know that we fought a lot, but we're very close friends and he'll be hurting a lot more than he lets on. He's never been good at emotional stuff either. When he's upset or hurting he's much more likely to start a fight than seek out comfort. That's just the way he is, and that's how our friendship has always operated._

_In addition to anger, the other way he copes with heartache is a determination to get stronger in order to protect his friends. I suppose that we're similar in that way, and that may be one of the reasons we understand each other so well. But trust me, I can guarantee that he'll end up pretending to be stronger than he is. That's partially because he hates showing any kind of weakness and partially because he'll feel obligated to stay strong in order to help you guys. Don't let him fool you. He's going to be a hell of a lot unhappier than you think, and he'll try to hide it from you. And I'm afraid that he'll feel weak because he wasn't able to stop me or the demon. I'm not saying that he is weak though. Natsu is strong both physically and emotionally under normal circumstances, but he isn't going to be as strong as he pretends to be._

_I also fear that he'll feel some responsibility for my death because of some things I said when I talked to him last. He might think that he should have realized what I was planning, and I'm sure he'll feel bad that he couldn't stop me. Help him accept that he has nothing to feel guilty for._

_Natsu has never been good at dealing with his emotions, so he'll probably try to avoid them instead. He'll try running away from his feelings and perhaps the reality of my absence, and you'll need to find a way to make him face these things head-on so that he can truly heal. He and I have grown to rely on each other quite a bit over the years, and for a while he's going to be feeling a little lost without me. Things are going to be different, and he's going to need to find a way to let me go._

_I think that all of you have something you can offer him in regard to these problems, because each of you will struggle with them as well—with some more than others. It has always been Natsu's way to help his friends. I just want to make sure that you remember to help him too. He'll need it as much as you will._

_Aside from that, I wish you all the best. I'm sorry that I've hurt you, but I don't regret doing what I needed to do. Make no mistake that this was my choice. Nothing any of you could—or did—say or do would have stopped me once I made that decision. That includes you, Jii-chan. I suspect that you all will have a hard time coming to terms with Jii-chan's plan, but there really isn't any point in blaming him for anything. He wasn't a villain or a traitor. He's just a man who had to make a difficult decision that he felt necessary in order to protect the people he feels responsible for. I can guarantee that he didn't make this decision lightly, and he'll feel even worse about the whole business than you will. Please, keep in mind that I ultimately sacrificed myself because I chose to, not because he or anyone else asked me to. If I thought it was necessary, this is something I would have done regardless of what anyone else thought._

_There are a lot of things I could still say to each and every one of you, but I'll have to trust that you've figured them out by now. To be honest, I've said everything I needed to say every single day in different ways and with various words and actions. I hope that you managed to pick up on that, because I've been telling you all how much I love you for years, in my own way. And in return, I know how much you all care about me because you've been saying it too, over the years. We didn't get the chance to say goodbye face-to-face, but honestly, I don't think that we needed to. I already know everything you never came out and said directly. I know. Thank you for that._

_I also know that you all will face some dark times ahead, but I also have faith that you'll come out the other side and learn how to move on eventually. I wish that I could be there with you and stand by you every step of the way, but that isn't an option now. However, I believe that some part of me will always reside in Fairy Tail, and that's enough for me. No, Fairy Tail won't be the same without me, but it will continue to be a fantastic place because all of you are still here. Don't throw away all of that just because you lost one person. Losing a friend is terribly sad, but I want you to find a way to be happy again. You guys are strong and I know that you'll eventually recover._

_I know that you all have bright futures ahead—don't waste them. I hope that you'll be able to overcome whatever is thrown your way and that you'll find happiness wherever this life takes you. You guys are the best, and I wouldn't trade my time with you for the world. You've been a great family, and I care about you all very deeply. Like I've said, you've helped me a lot over the years. You've helped me a lot more than you'll ever know. So I'd like this opportunity to just come out and say what I mean directly for once: thank you._

_When I began writing these letters, it was mostly so that I could say goodbye. But as I've continued to write, I've realized that what I want to say most is actually thank you. Thank you for being there for me when I needed you, for stopping me from self-destructing, for supporting and caring for me. Thank you for being great friends and, ultimately, another family. You all mean the world to me._

_Thank you, and goodbye._

_-Gray_

Gray set down his pen and let out a breath. It was done. His eyes hastily scanned over the words he had written, but he didn't really read them. Perhaps it would be a good idea to read over what he had written and revise the jumble of his thoughts, but the thought of rereading the letter was thoroughly unappealing at the moment. These words were an admission of defeat and an acceptance of the pain he would cause his friends. It was bad enough that he had had to write them at all. He didn't want to read them as well.

With a sigh, he folded the letter neatly and slid it into a waiting envelope. He sealed the envelope and flipped it back over so that he could address it to Makarov. Picking up the pen once more, he winced slightly and flexed his hand in a vain attempt to work out some of the cramping. He had been writing for half the night, after all, and his hand was quite sore. He quickly scrawled 'Jii-chan' across the otherwise pristine surface.

Dropping the pen unceremoniously, Gray stared blankly at the envelope for a few minutes. He still wasn't quite sure how he was feeling about all this. Part of him still felt a little betrayed and hurt. Part of him was frightened of what might happen today. But on the other hand, a large part of him had already come to terms with everything and was fully prepared to do whatever it took to save his friends without regret or hesitation. Part of the time he felt lonely and isolated because he couldn't speak honestly to his friends, and part of the time he felt content in knowing that no matter what happened, Fairy Tail would survive this battle. His attitude and mood had swung back and forth several times over the past few days, but now that the battle was almost upon them, he decided that he was feeling pretty good about the whole thing. He wasn't scared or angry or hurt, just ready.

A drop of water suddenly fell and landed on the envelope's surface, and Gray realized with some surprise that a single tear had dripped down his face. He hurriedly wiped away its residue and smiled a little. Perhaps he wasn't as fully prepared as he would like to think. The tear smudged the 'n' as Gray tried to carefully dry it off the paper, and he briefly considered getting another envelope.

Then he shrugged and decided not to bother. Everyone would most likely assume that he had just spilled water on it if they noticed at all, and he wanted to finally be done with these letters. Besides, his time was just about up.

He glanced across the room, to where the gray predawn light was slowly brightening into day. Everyone would be assembling at the guild soon, and it wouldn't do to be late when there was such an important battle today. Gray smiled wryly and stood, nudging the chair back under his desk with his foot. Before he left, he carefully slid the pen back into place from where it had been abandoned on the wooden surface. He never had been able to stand it when things were out of place in his apartment, and he didn't see why that should change now.

Shrugging on a coat, he picked up the letter addressed to Jii-chan and slid it into a pocket. He was halfway to the door before remembering the other letters. He quickly backtracked and picked up the envelope addressed to Natsu, placing it alongside the other letter. Then he headed for the door, pausing to take one last look back at his apartment before firmly shutting and locking it. The gesture was probably pointless seeing as he was most likely never coming back, but he did it anyway.

Gray walked through the streets of Magnolia towards the guild, his eyes darting back and forth as he took in the city hungrily. It might be the last time he saw it, after all. He wanted to stop himself from being so morbid. After all, there was every chance that Natsu and the others would defeat the demon without having to resort to the backup plan. But in his heart, Gray had the feeling that today was his last day, and he wanted to appreciate it as fully as possible.

At one point he found himself unconsciously slipping out of his coat, and hurriedly pulled it back on. He couldn't lose his clothes today, not as long as those letters were still in the pockets. He planned to give the letters to Jii-chan first thing, but until then he had to focus on keeping his coat on. He feared that if he lost concentration, it would end up somewhere in the streets behind him, letters and all.

He breathed a sigh of relief as the guild came into view, and he hurried up the steps to the entrance. Glancing around, he saw that a few members were already gathered, but he figured that most of them would be trickling in over the next half hour or so.

"Hey, Gray!"

The ice mage turned to see Natsu coming in the door behind him. The dragon slayer smirked at him. "Don't forget about our bet. I have great things planned for you when you lose!"

Gray laughed softly, his lips curling upwards in a half-smile. "Sounds great, flame brain. Concentrate on winning first though. All those plans won't do you any good when I win."

"Yeah right," Natsu scoffed. "I'm totally going to beat you."

"If you say so," Gray replied, injecting just the right note of skepticism into his voice.

In truth, he was rather hoping Natsu would win this one, which was an odd feeling for him since he hated losing. But he would take whatever punishment Natsu dished out, as long as it meant that he'd be around to take it.

"I do," Natsu shot back.

The dragon slayer was about to say something else, but Gray finally spotted Makarov coming out of his office. The ice mage slipped a hand into his coat pocket to feel the envelopes and make sure that they were still there.

"Hey, I'll be right back," he interrupted, giving Natsu one more glance before walking away. "Let me just take care of something real fast."

"Huh? Where are you going?" Natsu asked.

Gray shrugged and didn't respond as he crossed the guild and climbed the stairs to the second story. He could practically feel the dragon slayer's gaze burning into his back for a few seconds before Natsu found someone else to harass.

"Jii-chan."

Makarov turned and winced as he saw Gray. The ice mage schooled his features to remain impassive, as if he hadn't noticed the master's slip up. Every time Makarov had seen or talked to Gray these past few days, he had often reacted unconsciously, wincing or cringing at the sight of the ice mage. The look of guilt and pain in his eyes had been terrible as well. Gray had noticed all of these reactions, but pretended as if he didn't. In truth, they worried him. He didn't think Makarov would take it well if he died. The master was already feeling horrible before the battle had even happened.

"Gray?" Makarov asked. "Can I help you?"

Gray's lips tightened slightly at the wistful and remorseful tone. Yes, Makarov would have a hard time.

"I wrote the letters," the ice mage said quietly, retrieving the envelopes from his pockets and handing them over.

Makarov slowly reached out and took them, his hands trembling slightly. Gray resisted the urge to shake his head. He understood why Jii-chan felt so bad, but that didn't mean that he had to like it.

"If something goes wrong, give that one to Natsu right away. The other is for you to take care of."

Makarov swallowed hard and stared at the envelopes in his hand for a moment before sliding them into a pocket of his own. "Alright. I can do that." He hesitated. "Are you…alright?"

The ice mage considered it. At the moment he thought he was. On some level he probably wasn't, but it was also true that he was ready in a very real way as well. It was something of a paradox.

"I'm fine," he said with a half-smile, hoping to assuage the older man's concerns.

Makarov didn't look any more comfortable, and Gray withheld a sigh.

"Gray…You don't have to do this," Makarov burst out suddenly, his eyes filled with pain and regret.

The ice mage felt his heart twist, knowing that the man he had looked up to as a grandfather and master was going to bear this guilt for the rest of his life. Bu he couldn't say that he was surprised. He had been expecting Makarov to try backing out at the last second. He wasn't sure the older man would be able to go through with it.

In truth, it didn't matter whether he could or not—it was ultimately Gray's choice. Gray was the one who would decide what happened today, and that knowledge made him feel less used and more independent. He knew that he didn't have to go through with this plan even if Fairy Tail did fall, but it was still his choice to make.

"I know," he said gently, smiling at Makarov as he turned away and started back down the stairs. He thought he glimpsed the other mage's eyes cloud over with tears before he spun around, but he kept walking. There wasn't much more he could do for Jii-chan right now.

Gray reached the first floor and walked over to where the rest of the team had assembled. He sat down across from Natsu and next to Erza, letting their chatter wash over him as he watched them fondly. As Lucy complained about yet another problem Natsu had caused, Gray tried and failed to stifle a yawn. Erza noticed and glanced over with a raised eyebrow.

"Didn't sleep well?" she asked. "You went home early enough."

Gray just shrugged, unwilling to tell her that he hadn't bothered going to sleep at all last night. He had spent most of the night writing letters, occasionally taking breaks to pace about his apartment and mull over his thoughts. Most of those thoughts had concerned his friends and how they would take his death if he used iced shell today, and he idly wondered if it was time to start worrying about himself instead. It seemed like the natural thing to do, but he shrugged it off. He had spent most of his life worrying about other people, and he didn't see any reason to try changing that now.

"No, I didn't sleep well," Gray replied. It was technically true, in word if not in spirit.

Natsu looked over and smirked. "Why? You that scared?" he taunted.

Gray laughed quietly, startling Natsu, who had been expecting an angrier response. It was ironic, really. Gray had more reason than any of them to be terrified, but he wasn't all that frightened right now. Sure he was tense and afraid on some level, but he had mostly worked through that already.

"In your dreams, squinty eyes," he answered in amusement, his lips twitching upwards.

Natsu studied him, his eyes bewildered, and Gray had to fight the urge to laugh at the puzzled look on his face. Then the dragon slayer suddenly leaned across the table and pressed his hand against Gray's forehead.

"Are you sick or something, ice block?"

Gray snorted and leaned backwards, away from the offending hand. "Hardly. Keep your hands to yourself," he said, a smirk playing at the corners of his mouth.

"Well  _excuse_ me," Natsu huffed back, retreating to his side of the table once more. "I was just trying to–Ow!"

He broke off as Lucy whacked him lightly over the head.

"Be nice, Natsu!" the blonde admonished. "Do you really think he wants you touching him? Your hands could probably burn him."

"Hey!" the dragon slayer protested. "I  _was_ being nice!"

Gray shook with silent laughter as Lucy and Natsu bickered back and forth. He hid a smile as he watched his friends. They really were the best, however silly they could be. He didn't want to even think about having to leave them.

Just then, Makarov called for their attention. "It's time," was all the master said, but it immediately brought silence to the room.

The various conversations and fights died down, and everyone stood up and began heading out of the guild. Gray felt his mirth drain away and repressed a sigh. Pushing himself to his feet, he raised an eyebrow at his friends.

"Coming?" he asked.

"Of course!" Natsu shot back. "I still have to win our bet!"

_I hope so, Natsu. I hope so._

Gray said nothing, just shrugged and walked out of the guild. Time seemed to pass in a blur as the mages got into battle formations and waited for the demon. And then there it was, the demon that was causing them so much trouble. Gray eyed his adversary briefly, his heartrate speeding up as he realized that the time had come.

He stuck around for the first few minutes of the fight before surreptitiously extracting himself. Melting into the background, he watched the battle critically, waiting for any sign of Fairy Tail's impending defeat. He would have to time this perfectly. He occasionally launched some magic attacks of his own, but mostly bided his time, knowing that it was imperative that he keep enough of his magic in reserve that he could easily perform iced shell if he needed to.

A nauseous feeling curled in the pit of his stomach. It wasn't so much fear as a result of all the tension and anxiety of the waiting. For days Gray had been in a sort of limbo, unsure of whether he would live or die. Now that the deciding moment was approaching, he was scared, but mostly relieved. He was relieved that the waiting game was over and he would finally get his answer. At this point, the specifics of that answer mattered less than the closure of simply getting it.

And then Gray finally sensed the time of action. He had waited until the very last moment, giving Fairy Tail every chance to turn this one-sided fight around, but he was forced to admit that his guildmates were out of magic and out of hope. He didn't think that even Natsu could pull off a win at this point.

Gray swallowed thickly as he considered his next move. All he had to do now was walk out there and face the demon. If anyone tried to stop him he could throw up a wall, and then he just had to cast iced shell. The demon wasn't even that far away. Gray just had to walk several feet in a straight line. If only he could make his feet move.

His breathing sounded heavy and harsh in his own ears as he worked up the courage to move. This was it, but he was temporarily paralyzed by the thought of all he was about to throw away. He would be throwing away his life, his friends, his  _family_. He wouldn't be able to be with the people he loved anymore. Not Natsu or Erza or Lucy or Cana, or even Juvia. Not Lyon either, and Gray felt terrible that he hadn't been able to see his adoptive brother before he died.

If he did this, his friends would feel all the pain he had felt when Ur had sacrificed herself for him with this same spell. His heart clenched at the thought of his former master. He wondered what she would think if she could see him now—if she would be proud that he could find the courage to save his friends at the cost of his own life, or disappointed that he was throwing his life away. But he realized that he couldn't really think of it as throwing his life away. That made it sound like he was dying needlessly, for no real reason. If he could save his friends, that made his death worthwhile.

He thought back to when Natsu had stopped him from using iced shell for the first time, back on Galuna Island. Natsu had asked him when finishing a fight had meant dying. He had said that dying was just running away. Gray smiled sadly. He had always been a fighter, but now he realized that there was a time to fight and a time to run. He should choose his battles wisely. So, was this a battle worth fighting? If he couldn't win this battle with a straight up fight, was it worth running and dying to win?

He realized that now, as he stood on the threshold, he had a choice. He could choose to turn around and walk away and abandon his friends. He could decide to sit back and watch what happened next, the future be damned. It was tempting, to be certain. But he could also choose to walk out there and stand by his friends and sacrifice himself to save them. He could decide to look towards their future instead of his, and nurture the hope that they would live on and someday recover from what he had done. He could choose to let go.

So, with a deep breath and a renewed sense of determination, Gray took the first step forward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is the end of this verse. I hope you enjoyed it, even if it was sad. Thanks to those of you who managed to survive the entire thing :)

**Author's Note:**

> On a completely random side note, I realize that by using iced shell Gray isn't necessarily "dead" in the conventional sense. But "dead" is a lot easier to write than "turned into a block of ice and so might still be alive in some sense if we believe in that", so "dead" it is xD I do occasionally mention that difference, but I'll usually stick with the "dead" terminology.


End file.
